Diary of a Tired Christian

I write this entry less than 24 hrs after the newest president of the United States has been announced, like many it has been a time period of deep emotions and reflection for me. I spent months leading up to election day feeling strong in my conviction that no matter what happened, I would be at peace because God is in control. I even posted such the morning of election day, reminding those that follow me to not be anxious and have faith in God's ability to take even the worse of circumstances and use them for good, for His glory. And while I very much so still feel the same, I cannot ignore the mountain of emotions that hit me throughout yesterday and this morning. God has made us emotional creatures by nature, probably why the word calls us to check those emotions so often in the frame of "do not be afraid". Because fear is one our biggest emotions isn't it? Fear made Adam and Eve disobey and eat the fruit, they had severe FOMO. And that is what creeped in on me, fear, I see that God has a plan, but I was fearful of how my experiences looked in that plan.

So, I sat this morning, taking the time to rest and examine where my fear lies. I realized that the biggest feelings that come up for me at the base of the fear, were the feeling of rejection and abandonment. As a black and queer person living in America, I have often had experiences that made me feel as though I was unseen. I grew up in an urban progressive city, but still experienced "running back across the tracks" and hearing school yard songs about whites killing blacks from those I had considered friends. I've experienced the microaggressions of racism in my community while being followed around stores or in the form of thinly veiled "jokes" from peers perpetuating racist stereotypes. And as my identity as a queer woman was revealed, I experienced peers I considered close friends retreat into strangers, unable to see that who I loved did not change who I'd always been. Rejection from my mother in the name of religous purity added to this deep sense of unbelonging. Even now as a black queer woman, I at times navigate the very real line of otherness within what has been a white facing lgbtq community, where I rarely see myself or others that I know represented. As, I watched the votes pour in last night I found myself being triggered as confirmation of that otherness seemingly played out on my television.

We have always been a country divided, but in my lifetime I have seen dramatic progress that gave me a sense of hope that the country was evolving towards something more loving. That people had taken the trendy phrase WWJD("what would Jesus do?") and really adopted it into their lives. But as Obama yelled for hope in 2008, the underlying hate was already bubbling to the surface.I think that for people who genuinely do not carry hate, it is hard to fathom how others do, how that hate blinds them and moves them forward. Like a parasite navigating it's host , causing them to do things that are illogical and hurt themselves in the process. Last night I felt rejected , abandoned and alienated from my country. Were there really this many people willing to play host to hate and let it ruin them...ruin us? Were those professing to be guided by their christian faith indicative to how the church sees me and my family as both black Americans and as part of the lgbtq community? And for those who may not have hateful intentions, but allowed themselves to be ruled by a false sense of fear, what else would that fear cause them to do or not do?

It is that last part that gave me pause enough to stop the fear loop marching through my mind. God did not give us a spirit of fear. He calls us to "be not afraid", and lovingly so because we are seeing in real time what fear can do when it overtakes a person. The other week I wrote about trying to sit with my identity in who God has called me to be, verses what my traumas have tried to frame my identity as. Also, verses what the world tells me that my identity should be. While I obviously still struggle with standing in that identity fully, I do know that identifying who I am called to be requires me to be still, so that I can hear from God.

In sitting with God this morning, I realize that one of the biggest things He impressed upon my heart is that He has called me. "As you come to Him, the living Stone- rejected by humans, but chosen by God and precious to Him- you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house..."(1 Peter 2:4-5) If God Himself has called me to be apart of His "spiritual house", I shouldn't dwell on whether I am accepted by this world, the same world that even rejected Jesus. What they see as a leftover stone, God will make a cornerstone of His house. He will build upon me, because He sees me as worthy. God is also Immanuel, which means that I am never alone, God is literally with me whether I feel it or not. I cannot let my fear of rejection and being abandoned cause me to forget all the ways that God has been by my side.

And while I know that these are still emotions that my human mind and heart will revisit, it brings me peace in this moment to reflect on my otherness in my identity as God's child. I am in this world, but not of it. I move through this world with love in my heart, in spite of the uncertainties and hardships, because I know that neither my validation or reward is coming from here. I know that I am protected and that having God allows me to walk with a spiritual gps, as long as I still my mind enough to heed the directions. So, I am resolved to rest today. I don't need to figure out how to beat this system, that is already happening, that has already been foretold. I just need to keep faith in who I Am in the Great I Am.