Diary of a Tired Christian

(It has taken me a little over 2 months to write this entry. Obviously a tough topic for me, as I'm sure it is for many others, and one that I am still navigating even as I type this. I pray for healing of relationship wounds for all who read this.)

For the past year I have been studying the different attachment styles. Trying to identify which one I may have, because in this day and age we need a label for everything. Then applying the different YouTube and Insta Therapist's ideas on how to tweak my attachment style, so that I would be better in relationship and have better relationships. From all the 5 and 10 minute clips I've absorbed, it appears that I most identify with Anxious attachment style, although I can relate to aspects of all of the styles if I'm honest. The biggest commonality of each being trauma or neglect experienced in childhood from your primary caregiver that has now resulted in learned insecurities and distrust of relationships being genuine. But what if instead of focusing on how to achieve a secure attachment style, I focused more on having a God attachment style? What would that look like?

I have a history of unreliable relationships, I at times have been unreliable myself. Afraid to get close, afraid to trust, and afraid to believe that anyone has my best interest at heart. Unfortunately, my fears have manifested as sort of a self fulfilling prophecy and I have attracted the same relationship dynamic over and over again. I have continually dated and befriended my mother in different forms. I have sought healthy relationship and love from those who did not know how to give it to me(or anyone else for that matter). When I realized the pattern, I begin to learn and set healthy boundaries. I did quantum shifting to heal my inner child, I did re-parenting techniques. I tried to fix it myself, with all the fervor of this world's "self made" rhetoric. I was taking on the job of showing myself what a healthy parent was for myself. And of course as I did not have an example of that growing up, I did my best trying to mimic things I've seen on t.v. or a fantasized version of what I dreamed a loving parent would be. And while I have been able to be that parent for my own children, I have still struggled to give the same to myself. Maybe because of the disconnect that made me feel that I was ultimately unworthy or that it was too late for me to receive that love. After so many relationships validating the lie that a healthy love was unattainable for me, I had given up.

Yet when I finally found myself exhausted by all my efforts and decided to finally give in to resting at God's feet, surrendering and letting Him do the heavy lifting, my perspective started to shift. I was looking for a parent, a reliable source of unconditional love, and I had had that with me the whole time. I had had God walking with me, loving me and counseling me, protecting and encouraging me my whole life. There were so many tangible points in my life that I could reflect on and know without a doubt, that God was with me. Yet, instead of going to God to show me how to be in relationship, I looked externally and I failed everytime. "It is not for them to direct their own steps." (Jeremiah 10:23) Not only was I stepping, I was sliding, and running along blindly. So now that I have finally realized how to be still and wait on God, what does that attachment style look like?

I'm still not certain completely. This is a new development for me. I once called myself stepping into the dating scene guarded with my "intentions" and " healthy boundaries", I thought it would bring me success. I realize now that I should have been guarding my heart and praying for discernment. That I should have been so deep in my walk with God that for anyone to find me they would have to dive in to the word as well. That if I had been committed to being more like God and less like me, I would easily recognize the parts of those wanting to be in relationship with me that were not like God's pure love for me. An immediate "red flag" detector, that would save me years of hurt and additional trauma. But also, the more like Jesus you become, the less you live in those insecurities from your past. It is no longer your identity, you see the lies in the anxious voice of your mind that wants you to fear that you are unlovable and alone. You become someone who is good in relationship, a trusted friend. You become a person who is built up in God's love and grace and extends that confidently to others. Not a doormat, but a person who is securely attached and can speak boldly while asserting themselves.

These are all the things I am working towards, this is the attachment style I am striving for. I want to be securely attached to God. "Seek first the Kingdom of God...and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33) I have to believe that not only does God provide for me in physical ways that he sees the desires of my heart and will provide for my relational needs as well. That as I continue to lean into my attachment to Him, that He will place relationships in my life that restore my years of trauma and bring healing. And that these relationships will not only bring healing, but joy all around. Until then, I will stay entwined and committed in relationship with God learning Godly attachment.