Balancing Life

Joel and Anna worked close to opposite hours, especially since the onset of the Covid-19 issues. Joel's position had been obliterated over three months ago and he had found a night job to help make ends meet. This was putting some strain on their less than year old marriage. Not to mention that Anna was pregnant and just starting to show.

Their work hours were such that when Anna got home from work, Joel was already gone. When Joel got home, Anna would be asleep. He would attempt to stay awake until she got up so they could have some time together, but more often than not, she would awaken to find him sleep on the couch. They would always eat breakfast together before she left for work the next day, but it wasn’t very satisfying to either of them. It also did not help that their days off did not usually coincide. When they did have the odd day off together they tended to be too tired to really feel like doing much. Besides, Anna’s pregnancy tended to limit what they could do as well.

When they first met, both were of the “Work all day, party all night” breed. They had many friends and rarely stayed home. They dated for less than a year before they decided to marry. The pregnancy was was part of their future plans, but came much earlier than they had intended. The plan was they were going to enjoy each other and the married life together for a time before starting a family.

Recently Anna had been worrying because Joel had been reminiscing about the past. Going out for drinks and dancing, or a nice dinner and a movie then on to late night parties. His moods had been a little colder and less upbeat recently too. Anna started to worry that since he might feel she was weighing him down and keeping him from doing things he enjoyed because of the pregnancy.

On a recent day off together they decided to go buy some new furniture for their place. They ended up buying a pub style table and two tall chairs for their kitchen. The table even had a wobble to it like many did when they would be sitting together at the bars and dance clubs. Secretly she hoped this might help with his moods and put good memories in his mind. It may have been a farfetched idea, but one she entertained none the less. They both enjoyed the new furniture and ate at the table together whenever they had a chance.

This afternoon she walked into their apartment after what seemed like an extra long day at work. She was tired and dropped her purse and keys on the table. Joel must have left late because his empty plae and glass were still on the table. She sighed and started t c lear the table, then stopped, staring. Lying there on the edge of the table next to the wall was a small back book. The cover was a dusty and the corners were dog-eared and well worn. Slowly picking up the book, she flipped through the pages. Inside were names and addresses and phone numbers of al lot of people, all written in his handwriting. Male and female names, but quite a few more female.

Her mind was in turmoil. Was he planning on meeting up with someone in this book? Was their relationship in trouble? With his recent talking about the past and all the fun they had, and his moods recently, and now this… was he going to leave her? Even though she was carrying their baby? Her thought were a jumble and moving at warp speed. She put the book down where she had found it, finished cleaning off the table and headed off to lie down. She suddenly wasn’t feeling too well.

That was a night of tossing and turning, but little sleep. She heard Joel come in after his shift. The clock read 4:20 am. She had to be at work at 8:30 as usual. Curious at what he might say, Anna gets up and offers to make a good breakfast for them both that isn’t out of a box and cooked in the microwave. She also noted that the black book was now gone from the table. Joel was surprised but happy she was awake and offered to help make breakfast. She accepted and they had the usual small talk as they cooked up some biscuits and gravy, bacon and scrambled eggs. During the course of their conversation, he asked why she was up so early. She passed it off as pregnancy related stomach issues.

As they talked together he was noticing that her demeanor was a little down, and he sworn she was holding back tears a time or two. He didn’t know why, but assumed she was having issues at work. It also didn’t help that she was pregnant and hormonal and their time together had been very infrequent lately. He tried cracking jokes and being generally goofy, to which she had some limited reaction, but he could see something was bothering her deeply.

Breakfast was ready. As they were putting everything on the table to eat, Anna gently put the small pitcher of milk down so it would not spill. The wobbly table had made its share of messes already. As they sat down to eat, Joel served Anna, then got himself a portion. He watched her as she just pushed the food around the plate. Never taking a bite, never seasoning anything like she usually did,not even touching her milk or coffee.

Concerned, he looked ot her and asked, “Ok… I’ll bite. What is wrong. You seem like you are just going through the motions this morning. Not talking much. Not laughing much. Not goofing around at all. Now not eating… What is wrong?”

With tears in her eyes, “I have a question and I want you to be completely honest about the answer.”

“OK. Anything.”

“No, you have to promise.”

“All right. I promise that I will answer whatever you have to ask me.”

“Are you happy we are married?”

“Of course I am!”

“Are you happy we are going to be parents in the not too distant future?”

“Yes. Very Happy.”

“Are you bored with me and out relationship?”

“OK. Time out,” He frowned. “What is this all about?”

“I saw your ‘little black book’ o the table from when you ate before work. You must have been looking at it while you ate and ended up running late. You left your dishes and everything out, including that book.”

“Ah I see…” understanding showing in his eyes. “You think that since I had the book out that I am thinking about looking up old girlfriends and going out behind your back or something?”

Anna nods, tears now rolling slowly down both cheeks.

“Baby, listen.” He stands up and moves to stand in front of her. “There is no way I would do that to you or to our baby. None. Zero. Not possible.”

“Then why your book and your moods and your talking about the parties and dancing and all? I noticed the book was gone when I got up. It had been there all night until you got home. What else am I supposed to think?”

“First off, my mood has been down because they are talking about lessening the work force at this new job and I am one they are talking about letting go. So I am nervous about that. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to worry you. Second, I have been talking about the partying that we used to do because all the younger guys at work are doing what we used to do. Work then party until work again. It made me remember how much fun we had and I wanted to share that with you. Last, the book… I didn’t have the book out to look through it. But I WAS going to use it. You’re right, I was running late today. I was having a bowl of cereal and it spilled on my pants when I was eating, so I had to go change then try to finish before I had to leave. Sorry I left the dishes for you.”

“So why is the book suddenly gone?”

Joel reaches over and takes hold of the edge of the table. Anna instinctively grabs for the milk pitcher to keep it from spilling. He takes her arm and stops her from grabbing it as he shakes the table. It is now as solid as a rock.

“I needed something smaller to ft under that leg of the table to stabilize it.”

Pointing to the floor, he shows her that the book is now under the table leg.

He smiles and holds her tightly, “Now please relax and put your worries away. I am not going anywhere. I married you and I want to have a family with YOU, not be out at all hours partying it up and drinking my life away. We already did that. Now we get to make a family.”

He holds her close as her tears continue to flow, but for a different reason. “Happy tears are allowed. Sad and worried tears are discouraged. I love you, Anna… That will never change.”