Am I the Only One in this Relationship?

As far as humans have evolved in society and in our dealings with other human beings, we are still prone to the idealism of romantic love; the idea of being “in love.” No one really knows what being “in love” means; there is research to suggest it can be quantified. However, there are not too many people who find themselves questioning their relationships with the age-old query, “He loves me, he loves me not…” who will take to peer-reviewed academic papers to quell their emotions. The truth is, there are no balancing scales that measure the amount of one love over the other. There are many times that an individual may find that he or she is in a relationship, or desirous of a relationship with someone where feelings are unreciprocated.

He Loves me, He Loves me Not....?

Being on the unreceiving end of a love affair can be confusing and frustrating. The emotions are involved, so therefore it is difficult to think or react in a rational manner. However, rational is exactly how this sort of situation should be dealt with. Otherwise, the lovelorned individual is accused of taking a trip to crazy-town, Stalker Ville, or has Bunny on the Backburner Syndrome

None of these labels are comfortable, mainly because this is what the “victim” of unrequited love feels like. A rule of thumb that works for most is, “If it ain’t returned, it ain’t real.” That sounds very logical, even simplistic. To the wounded soul curled in the fetal position awaiting a returned call or text, it seems the most absurd advice ever given.

Should I play hard to get?

What most seasoned daters and romancers will tell the love-lorned, is that chasing after someone is very threatening to the self-esteem. It also may have the opposite of the desired effect in that it is far more likely to push that individual away. This is true of both males and females, but more so of males. We have not evolved so much that women do not have to play hard to get to get the guy. We have not evolved sufficiently enough that a man is not turned off by a woman who is too eager to be caught.

With these types of rules, how is it that there can be a balanced scorecard for love? We have to accept that love is intangible, it is indefinable, and often it seems unattainable. The most attractive people it seems are those who seem to be okay with or without a love interest. Think about the guy or gal with whom you feel you are in or have been in a one-sided love affair. Odds are the most attractive characteristic of that individual is high self-esteem. Individuals with high self-esteem are independent. They make their own decisions and way in life . When love comes to this individual it is often with someone who is like-minded, or who they were led to believe was like-minded.

It is not a rare occasion that when the independent guy or gal finds the love interest they thought had high self-regard, and was also independent, is actually Velcro Guy or Velcro Gal in disguise, interest starts to wan. Viola! The one-sided relationship.

So what should I do?

The harsh reality is there is no balancing scorecard for love. There is no love-ometer to measure it. The only evidence we poor mortals have to support the existence of love is what people say to us, and more to the point how they treat us. Love is not really something that can be viewed objectively in that manner, so the rest boils down to how we feel. If we do not feel loved, then we are most likely not loved. If we spend most of our time questioning whether someone loves us, we are in a state of discomfort and angst, and that is causing dysfunction in our lives, then what is the point really? The best decision to make when we are uncomfortable is to find a means of alleviating the discomfort. We cannot make anyone love us if they do not. The best choice is to give it up, and move forward, hopefully with dignity and reputation intact.