A Father’s Passing: Warnings, Regrets, and Unprocessed Grief

When my cousin called me at 6 a.m. on August 27, 2021, I instinctively knew someone had passed away because he rarely called.

What I never imagined was that it would be my father.

Still half-asleep and groggy, he mentioned that my brother had posted about it on Facebook. I had to take my son to school and couldn't process what I was feeling. I immediately called my brother, and that's when he delivered the devastating news about our father's death and the circumstances surrounding it.

Out of respect for my siblings and my father's girlfriend's family, they both lost their lives together, I don't publicly discuss the details of how my dad passed away. What I rarely share with anyone are the three events that, in hindsight, I believe were God warning me that my father's death was approaching.

My father had children in the same city where my maternal cousins grew up, so they all knew each other, attended school together, and were connected online. Unfortunately, my siblings and I weren't raised together or in the same city, which meant that much of my extended family heard about my dad and his girlfriend's passing before the information ever reached me. Everyone was calling and texting, but I didn't want to speak to anyone except my mother. When I called her immediately, I could tell from her voice that she was more upset than I was.

My father and I had a volatile relationship and hadn't been speaking. Sure, he would tell my mom to wish me happy birthday, but I refused to communicate with someone who had insulted me TEN too many times. The ironic part about our relationship is that we were one and the same because we were both too stubborn, mean, and obnoxious to sit down and communicate like adults.

THE THREE EVENTS

The First Event

I used to live in Belmont, North Carolina, and would frequently drive home to South Carolina because it was only two hours on the back roads, and I was deeply attached to my family. My son was spending the summer with my mom, so I was driving alone. I remember being halfway through Matthews, North Carolina, when my dad's face suddenly came to mind. I don't know why, but God told me to pray for him. Then I started seeing flashes of my dad when he was younger & images from childhood, I knew very little about. I found it profoundly odd that all this just appeared in my mind.

I started to cry, and I mean I criedddddd my eyes out over my dad. It was around midnight, pitch dark on those back roads, and it felt like I was the only car on the road. I just cried and started praying for him like I'd never prayed for him before. I asked God to help him with any struggles he might be facing or any trauma he'd never talked about. I finally composed myself once I saw the lights of my hometown and the familiar buildings.

This happened in 2018, and to this day, I don't know why that moment occurred. Looking back, I think God was showing me that despite my dislike for my father, he had been through things he never shared. God wanted me to pray for him and care about my dad's feelings despite my disdain for our past interactions. That night will always stay with me.

THE SECOND EVENT

I've always been a restless sleeper, frequently waking up in the middle of the night and tossing and turning, so it's never surprising when I don't sleep through a full night. During the week my dad passed away, I consistently woke up around the same time, and he would immediately come to mind. I don't know if my half-conscious state caused me to ignore the warning, but I assume God was telling me to intercede on my dad's behalf. I still feel guilty that I didn't wake up fully and start praying for him. I know now that I would have been literally praying for his life.

The THIRD EVENT

Three days before my dad passed away, I had a dream about both my mom and dad & this was the first time I'd ever seen them together in a dream. In fact, I'd barely dreamt about my dad at all. The dream was deeply disturbing, and I remember literally jumping up in bed and grabbing my phone to record it in my notes app. The dream was a foreshadowing of what would come, but God showed my mom instead of my dad's girlfriend.

Let me explain how well God knows us and how He used my mom in that dream.

Sometimes I dream about strangers, and I don't always feel compelled to pray for them or the situations I see. But if I see someone, I'm close to like my mom, my son, or my siblings & I immediately pray. That was a lesson for me, because I was supposed to pray, and once again, I missed the mark.

PROCESSING THE LOSS

The day my dad died, I felt profoundly numb, and I can't fully explain that numbness. I felt like it wasn't supposed to end that way. I felt sorry for myself because now I only had one parent, and I felt like I'd failed God by not making things right with my father.

I still haven't cried about his death, but I've noticed I can't watch certain things on TV. I was watching the show Power when a particularly violent scene occurred, and I just thought about my dad, and it ruined my entire day. I couldn't cry, yet I felt so much sadness and pain after watching that fictional TV scene. I'm not sure when I'll cry over my dad, but I know the time will come. Sometimes I feel like that night in North Carolina was when I got my tears out; other times, I feel like I have a mental block somewhere.

I remember speaking to a therapist that same year he passed, and she shared her own story. She told me that her family lost everything during Hurricane Katrina. She didn't cry through the move to Texas, being homeless in the Astrodome, or going to a new school after all that trauma, but she broke down 10 years later at a therapy convention when they showed a video of some of the Katrina damage. She said she didn't know why it took her 10 years after all the trauma to finally cry.

I always wonder when my moment will come, but I will say that it was a sad loss for both families. My dad created a Fashionable, artsy, creative, humorous daughter, and I hope he knows how thankful I am for having that side of him.

RIP Daddy Ray