Acrimony

I've learned that i use hate as a way to protect my heart. If you convince yourself enough that you hate something, you will begin to believe it. I convinced myself into a catastrophe of hate towards you. I call it a catastrophe because of its potential. A hate so strong that if given the chance, i would destroy you. Even if the cost was my own demise. I convinced myself to hate by pouring gasoline onto the fire of my rage. It was more comfortable to feel hate than hurt.

As humans we all have a certain part deep within us that we restrict others access to. I naively allowed you to not only travel there, but set up a tent. Not a home, but a tent. Most people do not reside in tents, they reside in a home. You pitched a tent so that you could vacation there as long as it pleased. Then leave and return home when you grew tired. Vacation is not a vacation if you permanently reside there. My body, mind, and soul invested into another's vacation.

Over the years i slowly learned that you needed me to need you. My dire need for you only occurred at my lowest points. Leading you to treat me like Lego's. A sick cycle of building, releasing, reconnecting, and destroying. The first time i left, healing slowly began. The beauty of life began to show itself again. I even made love with someone new. It wasn't like your love but it sufficed. After two months of what seem to be a eternal process of healing, you returned. We immediately fall back into the love we shared as if our time apart had never occurred. You ask to come to my house later at night. What i thought would be our usual late night love, turned into the severing of my mental stability. You informed me of your revelations and how you needed to do better. You claimed you were a good man. Its interesting how if we lie to ourselves enough, we begin to believe our own falsehoods. After your "good man" speech you left. While you made your bed hoping for a better future, i laid in mine for days praying for life to come to an end. Engulfed in self pity, tears, and the same reoccurring question since my childhood. Why am i not good enough? What seemed like never ending sadness eventually turned into rage.

My therapist believes that this hate projected towards you stems from deep rooted issues. Issues surrounding my absent father. I argued endlessly in attempts to validate my anger and desire for revenge. I need to feel redeemed and redemption will only come from your suffering. Realizing that you are paying for others deeds, but my anger remains steady.

But the truth is, i love you. I love you more than i hate myself. Forcing myself to be angry while in your presence. Anger sits within me more comfortably than rejection. You rejected me. Three years of building my love to only reject it. Maybe you are similar to my father. Now i am scorned with a distaste for all men. All men except you. That restricted part of me, misses you. Your laugh, your smile, and the way you took care of me. Your gentle hands across my body, hearing you call me "boo", and your daily messages confessing your love. You spoke manipulative words into my ear as you entered my body and loved me for hours. Giving gentle love while making sure i felt safe every second of it. Love so euphoric my soul no longer resided within my flesh. While you fucked me, my soul made love to yours.

A light was turned on. What started as a small porch light seen from afar on the country side, turned into a light big enough to hold space in times square. Just like times square, this light was noticed by others. You explored parts of me i never knew existed. Thoughts of you, were felt throughout my whole body. Everything i've ever needed. The father i never had, the protector i've always seeked, the unconditional lover i craved, a therapist to calm my internal storms, and unfortunately my greatest manipulator.

I have become sick. Sick from all the hate flowing through my veins. The person that causes my sickness is the only one with the medicine to heal. If you came back today i would rejoice and receive your medicine with open arms. The moment i acknowledge these truths, my hatred turns towards myself. I cannot hate the both of us. So i choose you.