About the world before

Precovid I felt like even with the ups and downs of life, I had something to look forward to everyday. I was happy and I didn't quite know it. With everyone around me now transitioning and settling down with their person, I miss the freedom and the sounds of laughter with the big group of friends I had. I want to be married someday, maybe have kids. I just wish I had more time with those people, in that life stage. It feels strange everyone moving on like that. I am a part of their lives, but it's different. It feels more serious. We're getting older and all I want is for time to stop for a moment, for us to go back to right before the world changed, at least in my eyes.

Something changed with the world and I wish I had the exact words to describe it. What I can say though is how I feel now. When you read this, grab a glass of wine and listen to some house jazz. That's the only way to encapsulate exactly how I felt the moment these words left my the diary in my heart to where it now resides. Do you long for a time before? Do you feel like you're unable to let go of certain moments in the past while everyone else seems to live in the present? You are me.

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About the world before, right before time stopped and the whole world hid in fear of an unknown airborne agent. Masks on, streets quiet and waiting... waiting for someone to say it was okay to come out again.

I loved the world before. I knew heartbreak and I knew joy. I thought something had tipped the balance of the world right before faces were covered with the medical grade masks, and so while I saw all these faces unmasked, I didn't trust the uncanny smiles.

The world before was like a drive at night, listening to the sound of saxophone playing something resembling house Jazz, the smoothness of it propels you further and further away from home. All of these city lights, the apartments, wondering to yourself what goes on past those little windows, creating stories for each character beyond the glass.

The world before was the city quiet, yet alive with the footsteps of people laughing as they made their way from bar to bar, arm in arm with friends. It was like a movie set in New York - the city that never sleeps, or so they say. You made your way from the Vessel through the highline, and finally you found yourself in washington square park around a fountain. Buskers everywhere, you saw street artists and the performers. Someone sang to you and another tried to sell you his records. You continued your journey home and then you hit the bodega just beside your apartment. You found some food and then made your way up. You turned on the television, windows open and you watched from above as the city quieted down. The lights of all those high rise buildings framed the city so beautifully. You took a mental picture. A picture you would return to every time you listened to that one song.

The world before was the rain pouring on the glass windows of a penthouse room, with a view of the city below.

The world before was like a night in, lights dim and a femme fatale flick on the screen of the television.

The world before felt like the excitement of finally arriving at the destination you so longed to visit and when you were finally there, you took a stroll in the city, or along the beach. You wrote the chapters of your own novel, masterfully painting a picture on each page, exactly as you wanted it. Your creativity knew no bounds. You built your dream person, fell in love, you fought and made up all in the same chapter, and it was okay because this was your imagination, there were no boundaries and there were no limits.

The world before felt like listening to music and feeling anemoia, only you had experienced this feeling before. It was the picture in your mind that you went back to over and over again. Longing for the times and places you had been.

The world before was like moving into a new city, starting over and knowing the fear and excitement of leaving the past behind. The anticipation of what life could be like, only that in that very moment, life was slow.

The world before feels like a time that never existed, yet is etched so deep in your memory and nothing you do can bring that moment back.

I long for the world before, only in a person. I long for someone who lives in the present but desires moments that feel like times past.