'A Time to Reset'

I always start out with the best of intentions, grasping to get my life in order. I recently recognized that one of the patterns I fall into is that I become emotionally derailed very easily.

This month started off on a bit of a low note, I found out that I’ll have to make plans to move out of my current rental home at the end of the summer. I have to take responsibility for this, the property’s owner reached out to me several weeks ago to find out what my plans were beyond my lease, and I was unable to provide a firm answer. Here I am a full two weeks later, having finally just reeled myself in after hitting the refresh button!

Eighteen months post marital separation, twelve months post former spouse moving out, six months post selling the matrimonial home and moving into a lovely little house with my two sons, both young adults; its unsettling to have to think about moving again already.

Its easy to find or make excuses why things aren’t going our way. The truth is, a lot has been going my way. I think the spinning takes over when we focus on the negative aspects. Those aspects then seem to become monumental and take over. Maybe spinning is grief in disguise; a means to mask the challenges in transitioning from our old life. This stage feels like the hard part. The mediator meetings, separation agreement, lawyers; that was laborious, but it was methodical, formulaic, and relatively predictable. There is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel, but there is an emotional adjustment that no one can prepare you for. I know there is no specific point when one arrives at a destination, but I look forward to feeling what is on the other side of this place. Feeling lighter.

Time has been wasted trying to decipher unfamiliar navigational devices. The tools I’ve relied on in the past don’t work the same way in the current climate. I lack focus. Good intentions can only take you so far. Enveloping myself in a reset bubble can only be repeated so many times.

Refresh.

I tell my sons, routine is key. I also tell them that the source of the challenges we’re working through could be due to the fall out of the divorce or to the impact of the pandemic. The challenges are most certainly attributed to both, but the lines are blurred so the root cause doesn’t matter at this point; challenges are challenges.

Every couple of weeks or so I’ll give my sons a motivational talk, about how we need to work together. How we need to keep each other in check. How we need to each pull our own weight, and live up to our individual responsibilities. I know they feel as though I’m lecturing them. What these talks are not, is a substitute for time spent doing other things together; game nights, walks in nature, and other examples of positive role modelling.

I don’t think they realize that I have these talks with them because I need to hear what it is I need to be as a parent. These talks are a reminder to myself of the roles I’m responsible for. They serve as prompts to where I might best direct my energy.

Refresh.

Over the past year I’m happy to have started journalling again, I’ve always found it to be very therapeutic. I’ve developed a greater appreciation for the presence of my parents in my life; I attribute this to the unwavering support they’ve provided me in facing challenges from both the divorce and the pandemic. I’m learning that acquiring the skill set of how we might improve ourselves must be approached with thoughtfulness; there is no shortage of external suggestions. Joy arrives when we align these with our own internal voice.

Refresh.

Seasons bring change, change offers hope. Where there are challenges, there are always solutions. Sometimes the solutions are glaringly obvious; routine is key.