Seven Medieval ‘Cures’ That Prove We’re Really Lucky to Be Sick in 2025

The Wild History of Old-School Medicine

If you’ve ever complained about a long wait at the clinic or how gross cough syrup tastes, trust me, after reading how illnesses were treated centuries ago, you might send your doctor a thank-you card. Medicine has come a very, very long way.

Below are some of the strangest, most shocking, and honestly terrifying remedies people once considered normal.

1. The Stuttering “Cure” That Was Basically a Horror Movie

In the mid-1800s, German surgeon Johann Friedrich Dieffenbach believed stuttering wasn’t a speech issue; nope, he thought it started in the tongue. His solution?

He cut off half of it. Literally.

The procedure, charmingly named a hemiglossectomy, involved slicing out a triangular chunk of the patient’s tongue to “interrupt spasms.” No anesthesia. No pain relief. Just cold steel and fear.

Many patients didn’t survive the blood loss, and those who did rarely stopped stuttering. Imagine walking into a doctor’s office, hoping to speak more clearly, and he shows up with tools that look like Freddy Krueger’s starter pack.

Yeah… I’ll keep the stutter.

Today, the same procedure is used only for removing cancer, and thankfully, modern medicine includes anesthesia.

2. Medieval Hemorrhoid Treatment: Choose Your Torture

Hemorrhoids were once called “St. Fiacre’s Curse.” If you suffered from them, monks would definitely not be giving you soothing prayers.

Option A:

Sit still while they shove a red-hot iron rod up your backside.

Option B:

Sit on a “holy rock” where a 7th-century monk was cured, along with countless other hemorrhoid sufferers who, uh… shared the seat.

Thankfully, by the 12th century, a Jewish physician suggested something far more humane:

Just take a warm bath.

3. When Bayer Sold… Heroin (Yes, to Children)

Believe it or not, in the early 1900s, Bayer, the same company known for aspirin, marketed heroin as a children’s cough syrup.

Ads literally showed kids reaching for the bottle like it was orange juice.

Parents happily dosed their little ones, doctors recommended it, and pharmacies sold it freely. Only when people started showing obvious signs of addiction did the U.S. require prescriptions (in 1914), and it wasn’t fully banned until 1924.

Imagine a 15-year window where you could just stroll into the store and grab a bottle of pure smack for your kid’s sore throat.

Wild.

4. Ancient Rome’s Secret to White Teeth: Free, Fresh… Pee

Before whitening strips, Romans had another secret:

Urine.

When urine sits, it breaks down into ammonia, a powerful cleaning agent. Romans used it as mouthwash, believing it whitened teeth. Human pee, animal pee… whatever worked.

They used it so much that Emperor Vespasian even created a urine tax.

So the next time mouthwash burns, just remember, at least it’s not that.

5. Bloodletting: The Universal Cure (That Mostly Made Things Worse)

For thousands of years, doctors believed illness came from imbalances in the four “humors”:

Blood, phlegm, yellow bile, and black bile.

Their fix?

Drain your blood until you feel better, or faint. Whichever came first.

Everything was treated this way: fevers, colds, infections, even dandruff. Leeches were also a hot medical trend.

This practice survived all the way into the 19th century, until research finally proved that bleeding out sick people was a bad idea. Shocking.

6. The Babylonian Skull Cure (Yes, You Sleep With It)

In ancient Babylon, if you ground your teeth at night, doctors believed a ghost was trying to contact you. The cure?

Sleep beside a human skull for a week.

And to make sure the spirit got the message:

You had to kiss and lick the skull seven times each night.

Nothing says “goodnight” like some casual bone-kissing.

7. Medicine Made From… People

For hundreds of years, Europeans believed consuming parts of a dead person could heal them.

This was known as corpse medicine, and it included:

• Gladiator's blood to cure epilepsy
• Powdered mummy for general health
• King’s Drops (human skull dissolved in alcohol) were favored by King Charles II.
• Human fat for muscle aches

The idea was that eating part of a deceased person would give you their strength. Personally, I’d rather stick to Advil.

Final Thoughts: Modern Medicine Isn’t Perfect, But Wow, It’s Better

So the next time your doctor suggests rest, antibiotics, or an injection, just remember:

• They’re not removing half your tongue.
• They’re not giving your child heroin.
• They’re not handing you a skull to kiss.
• And they’re definitely not prescribing anyone’s leftovers from an Egyptian tomb.

We’ve come a long way, and thank goodness for that.