January 1, 1933

Happiness and optimism have eluded me for months but as I enter upon this new beginning, I find myself hopeful. I feel this is the year of love and joy for myself. I have been writing in your pages for many years now and you have been privileged to hold all of my secrets, except for one that I fear letting out of the constraints of my mind. I have been holding it inside for so long, afraid to even speak it out loud or in your pages... but alas, I feel it is the only way to escape this darkness that has been draped over me for so long. If I don't release this, I fear I may drown in this misery of my own creation. Therefore, I must confess this to you, dearest Diary... for you are the only one I trust with my deepest secrets... I am in love with another, not my husband, not another man...

I am in love with my neighbor, Sophia.

I know this is not right, but how can love truly be wrong? This wasn't intentional nor was it planned. Sophia doesn't even know what my true feelings for her are... I fear she would shun me and tell both of our husbands if she did. Though part of me questions whether she feels this same struggle as I? We shared a kiss, although brief, it was the happiest moment I've experienced over the past several years! It was at the stroke of midnight, our husbands are out of town on business, so Sophia and I decided to partake in wine and dinner while counting down the moments until midnight. The children were off to bed already and as midnight struck, she leaned in and gave me a small peck on my lips.

Oh how I yearned for more as her velvet kiss sent electricity through my body! I have never known a kiss to do that to me before! I did not even realize my feelings for her until that moment of her tender lips touching mine. Sophia and I have been spending a lot more time together the last several months while our husbands have been away frequently for business. Being around her makes me smile and laugh, our talks are so wonderful! There is less darkness around me whenever I am with her and I never expected it to mean anything more than friendship... but now I am so confused and at a loss on how to act around her... how do I hide what I feel?

How do I stop longing for another embrace from her lips when the desire is so strong?

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March 25, 1933

Dear Diary...

A couple of months have passed since I last wrote in your pages, my friend... I'm sorry for my absence. Every time I would open you and try to share, I would see my last confession and feel ashamed and embarrassed over it all...

After my confession I realized how wrong I was to express such immoral feelings for another woman... or someone who is not my husband. He treats me well and provides for the children and I adequately. I should be more loving and loyal for all that he does for me and our family. I realize how wrong I was to allow myself to betray him by having feelings for another... I have stopped spending so much time with Sophia to try to refrain from losing my mind again and entertaining such immoral thoughts... this is my reminder that I love my husband... I am his wife.

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May 19, 1933

Dear Diary...

Again I have gone many weeks without writing in your pages. I feel this internal battle waging within my heart and writing in you seems to make it worse... somehow...

It's as though the admissions I share with you bring everything to the harsh light of reality and then I cannot deny nor escape it anymore... but then darkness surrounds me and I discover betrayal of unspeakable levels and I seek your pages for solace.

Sophia's husband passed away suddenly two weeks ago... I had been avoiding seeing her because I feared embracing her to offer comfort would cause me to seek another tender touch from her silken lips... 6 days after his passing, I finally found the courage to see her. I baked her some pastries and headed to her door. I had intended to wait until my husband arrived home from work, but he was running late it seemed as the time of his return passed. When she saw me at her door, she fell into my arms instantly... pulling me into an embrace as she sobbed into my chest... I dropped the pastries as I wrapped my longing arms around her in return...

I forgotten how sweet her scent was... how warm her arms felt around my body... I whispered in her ear how sorry I was for her loss, while I tried to keep my emotions under control. Her reply... I shiver as my memory recalls her words... "I'm not crying over losing him... I'm crying because I'm so overjoyed to see you again... I've missed you terribly..."

Her words filled my heart with joy as I lost myself for a moment... just one moment... I kissed her loving lips again... and she kissed mine in return.

I forgot that we were in her doorway... until I heard my husband shout my name in shock and disgust... I quickly pulled away from Sophia, and slapped her across the face while telling her how dare she commit such perverted acts against me... then I told her I never wanted to see her again... I turned towards my husband in tears, telling him that I was bringing her pastries and she made advances towards me... He grabbed me and shouted at her to keep her immoral acts away from me and he pulled me back to the house.

I took a shower as soon as my husband finished berating me and my allowing such sinful woman in my life. He then demanded that I take a shower... "you smell like that heathenous whore..." were his exact words...

I cried silently in the shower... I was so ashamed of myself... but not for kissing Sophia... I was ashamed for how I turned on her the moment my sinful act was seen by another...

Sophia deserves better than me...

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August 1, 1933

Dear Diary...

Sophia left today... I had not spoken to her since the evening I betrayed her love...

The tears are streaming endlessly from my eyes as I confess in your pages once more...

I saw the "For Sale" sign on her house 2 weeks after I... kissed her then shunned and abandoned her to save face in front of my husband... then saw her packing everything this last week.

The other neighbors said that she was moving back to Germany to be with her mother. I find myself feeling devastated... I never got to say goodbye or... I'm sorry...

I leave within your pages this letter to Sophia, in case luck allows her to one day read it...

My Dearest Sophia,

Words cannot express how horribly I feel for what I did to you. You did not deserve the sting of my hand against your tender cheek... or the lies from my sinful mouth. I miss you... I have missed you ever moment we have been apart... I craved your tender lips ever since the moment you first kissed me as we drank and celebrated the arrival of this horrible year.

I hope one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me for betraying you. My heart has been broken into a thousand pieces since that moment... I am so ashamed over what I did to you... Instead of telling you how in love with you I was, and how much I longed to feel your embrace once more... I let fear win over and walked away from you to continue living in this miserable existence with a man that I never loved to begin with. My chance at happiness was lost in that moment... my only hope is one day you will find this and know how incredibly sorry I am for hurting you... and how deeply I have always loved you... and love you still...

With Regret and Love,

Eleanor

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January 1, 1941

Dear Diary...

I have not written in your pages since... Sophia...

I revisit you only now because you are the only one who truly knows my heart... I discovered today that Sophia was killed in the war...

My heart is forever broken and empty... I will burn your pages tonight as all hope of her one day reading the truth from your pages is forever gone... Her last memory of me was filled with vile treacherous lies from my cowardly mouth... I shall forever regret that moment... and live with the pain I caused...

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