Why Xander Harris Sucks

By now we all know that Xander Harris from Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a Joss Whedon self insert. That certainly explains why, as a person, he sucks just so much. Xander is a whiny, entitled, disgusting excuse for a human person (and so is Joss so hey! The self insert worked!) but I could never make such a bold, distinct statement without receipts so here we go. All of the 7 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Xander Harris proved himself to be absolutely terrible.

Season 1

Honestly season 1 is just Xander not being able to take no for a fucking answer. Nothing particularly egregious other than him being jealous over every boy Buffy gives any kind of affectionate attention to and just being super annoying. In this season he is definitely one of those guys that thinks the friend zone exists and that he’s being wronged somehow for her not being romantically interested in him.

Season 2

Episode 16; This is the love spell episode and there is lots wrong with that but before we even get there he is talking to Buffy about the present he got for Cordelia WHILE PINING FOR BUFFY. “Well the only other girl I’m really interested in is unavailable” What a fucking twat. And then of course there is the fact that he tries to cast a love spell on Cordy FOR REVENGE. Disgusting and pathetic. The spell works on all the other women and he basically asks Buffy for a lap dance. He’s gross. Also giving him credit for not raping Buffy? Weird and horrible take.

Episode 22; Buffy has to potentially kill Angel. She knows that he is trying to awaken a giant unbeatable demon BUT what she doesn’t know is that Willow is trying to get Angel his soul back. Xander was supposed to tell Buffy to stall Angel while Willow does her thing but instead this tiny, pathetic, jealous asshole tells her that Willow says to “kick his ass”. He fully lets Buffy go into battle, ready to have to kill Angel when she could have had the love of her life back. This is made worse at the beginning of season 3.

Season 3

So Buffy returns to Sunnydale and then is immediately dumped on by all of her friends. Now everyone sucks in this episode but Xander is the reason that she had to kill Angel so the extra audacity that he has to be pissed at her for not processing her emotions about, again, KILLING THE LOVE OF HER LIFE perfectly is so infuriating.

Episode 13: This episode was an attempt to convince us that Xander didn’t completely suck but all it does is show us that he is incapable of being left to his own devices. His insecurities led to gang led destruction. He is completely useless AND the group is more than fine without him.

Season 4

Honestly in season 4 Xander is just a loser. He lives in his parents basement, he can’t hold down a job, he continues to bring nothing to the group. He’s really just a giant waste of space.

Season 5

Episode 3; So this episode was meant to show that Xander as a whole person is better than his individual traits but all it does is show that ALL parts of Xander’s personality suck. His confident self is just an arrogant asshole. His insecure self is just a mess. He’s disgusting and useless. There are no redeemable qualities to his character.

Telling Buffy to go after Riley? EW. He was letting vampires feed on him and he was an insecure fucktard who could never handle that Buffy was stronger than him, so I guess it tracks that Xander liked him because he’s also insecure and stupid.

Season 6

Episode 7; He summoned a demon INTENTIONALLY and literally never suffers any consequences.

Episode 16; He leaves Anya at the altar because he’s too much of a bitch baby to learn how to communicate.

Episode 18; He has the audacity to get angry at Anya for sleeping with Spike. As if he wasn’t the one that left her. Newsflash if YOU dump someone you get absolutely no say or opinion on how they choose to cope with that. None.

Season 7

Episode 5; After Xander was very cool with Buffy having to kill the love of her life for the good of the world he is really an annoying twat about the idea that Buffy has to do the same to Anya. Anya murdered an entire frat house and Xander was like, “but she’s sad”. Buffy should have knocked him out.

Xander loses an eye and is a complete bitch about it. Like my dude you have been running around, putting yourself in danger FOR YEARS and you thought you were going to somehow make it out of every fight unscathed? Fuck that. Yeah you are missing an eye, but maybe if you stayed put where Buffy has tried to keep you for almost a decade you wouldn’t have this problem. OH NO THE CONSEQUENCES TO YOUR OWN ACTIONS.

In conclusion, Xander Harris being a Joss Whedon insert makes perfect sense. And if you identify with Xander Harris or sympathize with him in any way then I please implore you to get some therapy and stay away from women. Xander Harris sucks and there is no valid reason to like him. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.