What the Trains, Planes, and Automobiles Movie Taught me about Holiday Travel

Trains, Planes, and Automobiles is my favorite holiday movie. My family and I watch it every year for Christmas which is funny because it is a Thanksgiving Day movie. In this article, I will show you several reasons why I stay at home during the holidays. In a way, most of the problems that happened could have been avoided if the characters had more money and kept their mouths shut.

Carry lots of cash.

Remember this is 1987 although ATMs existed, cash was still king. I recommend a money belt. That right screw credit cards debit cards, and if I get one more app on my phone I’m going to throw it in the ocean. As you can see, Neil Page starts laying out cash the moment he hits the street.

Poor Neil gets screwed by a Lawyer. 75 bucks for a cab! That’s $182.61 in today’s money! (Thank you goggle.) He doesn’t even get the cab. That asshole Dale (John Candy) steals it.

This next scene would have turned out differently if it was me. Waiting in an airport bored and surrounded by strangers equals drinking.

As soon as he offered me a hotdog and a beer, I would have beat my $75 dollars($182.61) out of him. Even though I’m talking about a movie I’d be pretty pissed off at John Candy right now. I’ll come back to money later.

Try to keep your cool.

Holidays are the worst time of the year to get mad. All the good cheer and happiness brings out the mean things we repress all year. It's worst when you do it to strangers. When you do this, the world gets to see how much of an angry person you really are. If you get lucky your family does have to see it. Neil got lucky.

Now Neil looks like the asshole, it doesn’t matter that Dale started this whole thing. Are there any motels with vibrating beds in this modern age? If there aren’t don’t worry some twenty-something hipster douchebag will invent an app for it. Then test it with some shitty IPA made in Dryhump, Arkansas.

During the holidays it's customer service people who get the worst of it.

See what happens when Neil confronts the car rental lady (Edie McClurg).

She actually tries to be nice to the dirty angry guy standing in front of her. After all that she still gets him with a well-placed “your fucked.”

When you finally lose your cool, it only gets worse for you. Never be a smart ass when you are already mad. You might forget to engage your brain before you open your mouth.

I’ve actually used that joke on someone. That was my 23rd bar fight.

I lost.

As promised, I will go back to the money belt. Motel rooms are notorious for being broken into. I couldn’t find a clip of the guy breaking into their room while they were asleep. The thief must’ve had a giant pair of brass ones to do that shit. Of course, Neil thinks Dale took it.

Neil is not a happy camper. The fact that the robber broke in so easily shows you that you must secure the door with something a chair a shoelace anything.

More money more problems.

When it seems like everything might get better things can get worse. Whoever came up with Murphy’s Law should be shot.

Let me give you a little context. Neil (Steve Martain) put his wallet in the glove box. Dale accidentally sets the car on fire with a misplaced cigarette butt.

After a near-death experience driving on the wrong side of the road, Neil's wallet with his credit cards gets burnt up. Lets see him try to use them.

Don’t ever leave your wallet anywhere, except your pocket. Duh. The car might catch on fire.

So what did I learn from this?

Carry lots of cash on you, and keep it on you at all times.

Keep your cool.

Travel alone.

Forget traveling altogether. Best advice I can give you is hide. Lock yourself in the bathroom, turn off the phone, and sleep until Jan. 1. You will thank me later.

So what did this dynamic duo get out of all this?

Dale got free rides, rooms, and a turkey dinner. Poor Neil got to pay for everything including a rental car that was destroyed and lost all his ID and credit cards. As an added bonus he gets a free trip to the seventh circle of hell known as the DMV.

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