What If Hogwarts Had TikTok? A Look at Gen Z Wizard Culture (And Why Dumbledore Would Be Cancelled)

Introduction: When Magic Meets the Algorithm

Imagine, if you will, a world where the Hogwarts Express has Wi-Fi. Where the Sorting Hat goes viral for its savage roasts. Where Draco Malfoy isn’t just a sneering pureblood elitist—he’s also a verified influencer with a penchant for dramatic POVs.

The wizarding world, for all its charms, was woefully behind on muggle tech. But what if, in some alternate universe, Hogwarts embraced the digital age? What if Gen Z wizards had TikTok?

The answer: absolute, unhinged chaos.

Let’s dive into the hypothetical (and hilarious) scenario where spells, potions, and petty house rivalries collide with viral trends, clout chasing, and the inevitable downfall of authority figures who just don’t get it.

1. The Sorting Hat’s Savage Takes (And Its Unexpected Rise to Fame)

The moment the Sorting Hat opens its seam to speak, the entire Great Hall whips out their enchanted phones (because obviously wizards would’ve charmed regular iPhones to work around magic). By the time it places the first student, #SortingHatRoasts is already trending.

• Draco Malfoy: Gets sorted into Slytherin. Hat mutters, "Ambition? Sure. But let’s be real—you’re here because your dad donated a new Quidditch pitch." Clip gets 2 million likes.
• Neville Longbottom: Hat hesitates, then sighs, "You’re a late bloomer, kid. Gryffindor it is—don’t let me down." Cue the "Neville’s Glow-Up" fan edits by third year.
• Hermione: Hat barely touches her head before screaming "GRYFFINDOR!" Her response? "Actually, statistically, Ravenclaw would’ve—" Cut off by the hat snapping, "I SAID WHAT I SAID."

By the end of the night, the Hat has its own TikTok account (@TheRealSortingHat, bio: "99% wisdom, 1% sass, 100% done with your nonsense"), and Dumbledore is already drafting an apology for "letting a sentient artifact go rogue on social media."

2. House Rivalries, But Make It Viral

The Gryffindor vs. Slytherin beef? Oh, it’s on—and it’s playing out in dueling TikTok trends.

• Gryffindor: Posts "POV: You’re about to do something brave (and stupid)" videos featuring the Weasley twins setting off WWW products in the common room.
• Slytherin: Claps back with "POV: You have self-preservation instincts" montages of them avoiding Hagrid’s class. Draco drops a "Sorry, couldn’t hear you over the sound of our generational wealth" stitch. It goes viral. He regrets it immediately.
• Ravenclaw: Ignores the drama and posts 10-minute deep dives on "Why Time-Turners Break the Entire Wizarding Economy." Gets 12 views.
• Hufflepuff: Just posts baking videos. Everyone agrees they’re the only unproblematic house.

Meanwhile, the teachers try (and fail) to regulate it. McGonagall bans phones in class, but students just use "accio phone" when she’s not looking.

3. Voldemort’s Failed Attempts at Being Relatable

Tom Riddle thinks he’s a master manipulator, but his TikTok game is… questionable.

• His "7 Horcruxes Morning Routine" video flops when people realize it’s just 10 seconds of him hissing at a diary.
• Tries to start the "Death Eater Challenge" (dark mark filters + ominous green lighting). Only Lucius Malfoy participates, and he does it ironically.
• Gets ratioed in the comments after posting "Pureblood supremacy isn’t hate, it’s heritage." Even Slytherins reply with "Bruh."

Meanwhile, Dumbledore’s cryptic quotes sound deep in person but translate to "old man yells at cloud" on TikTok. His "Elder Wand ASMR" gets taken down for "violence and dark magic."

4. Hermione’s StudyTok Empire (And Ron’s Inevitable Jealousy)

Hermione doesn’t just use TikTok—she dominates it.

• Her *"How to Ace O.W.L.s in 3 Days (Without Time-Turners!)"* series becomes required viewing.
• Posts "POV: You’re a Ministry Official About to Realize You Messed Up" with clips of her freeing house-elves. Activist era unlocked.
• Ron tries to compete with "Pranking Peeves: A How-To Guide" but gets overshadowed by her "Why Wizards Should Unionize" rant.

Harry, meanwhile, just wants to post Quidditch highlights, but his camera keeps getting jinxed.

5. The Professors’ Chaotic Forays Into Social Media

• Snape: Starts a "Potions Tutorial" series but spends 90% of the time side-eyeing the camera and muttering "obviously" when viewers ask questions.
• Hagrid: Accidentally goes live while feeding Norbert. "NO DON’T TELL DUMBLEDORE—" Too late.
• Trelawney: Posts "Your Crystal Ball Reading for the Week" videos. Every prediction is "you will suffer… but also, maybe good luck?"
• Umbridge: Tries to make "Ministry-Approved Educational Content." Immediately ratioed into oblivion.

Conclusion: Hogwarts Would Be a Beautiful, Unmanageable Mess

In this alternate reality, Hogwarts’ biggest threat isn’t dark wizards—it’s cancel culture. Dumbledore’s shady secrets? Exposed in a "Hogwarts Exposed" docu-series.

The Chamber of Secrets? Discovered because some Hufflepuff filmed "Pranking My Snake Allergy" near the plumbing.

But beyond the chaos, there’s something oddly wholesome about it. Imagine Sirius Black posting prison break updates from Azkaban. Or Luna Lovegood’s "Crumple-Horned Snorkack Sighting" conspiracy deep dives. Even Voldemort would’ve been less scary if he’d been too busy arguing in his comments section.

So here’s to the wizarding world—where magic meets memes, the Forbidden Forest is just "aesthetic dark academia content," and the real "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" is the Hogwarts IT guy trying to block TikTok on the Wi-Fi.

Final Thought: If Hogwarts did have TikTok, the "I Solemnly Swear I Am Up To No Good" would just be a Linktree for mischief. And honestly? We’d stan.

(Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to petition J.K. Rowling for a Hogwarts Social Media spinoff. #WizardsOfTikTok, assemble!)

-Geek Peek