The power of goodbyes

I had several *funnier* tweets to share and I do try to keep my insta mostly lighthearted because I ~*hate sharing my emotions~* but this was something that hit me unexpectedly hard. I’m about to go @kevinflynnnnnnnnnnnnnn on you hoes with this long ass caption but whatevs. When my mom died suddenly and completely unexpectedly it changed my life, obviously. But I had someone I know lose their mom not too long after, in a battle with cancer. They

knew their mom was going to pass, she was very old (in her 90s) and they had been given the warning and had a somewhat considerable length of time to grasp the situation and also got to have her in hospice in her home and be with her for her final days. My reality was the stark opposite. In this time I thought about how I was jealous of the chance to say goodbye. I also thought that I would be terrified to have seen my mother in a position of pain and having to face death knowing it was coming and felt somewhat thankful I didn’t have to deal with seeing that because I’m a coward. But there was still a large part of me that was jealous I never got to say my goodbyes and never got to truly appreciate my mother before she died. Flash forward to four years later having not dealt with my trauma and emotions from finding my mother unexpectedly dead. I found unus annus randomly, I never watched markiplier or crankgameplays. I knew of markiplier because I’m an avid youtube viewer and gamer, but I never watched because I honestly hate watching gaming streams/vids, I’d rather just play. But I’ve always been a huge fan of “lifestyle” or “experiment” type YouTube vids I.e. Jenna marbles (rip, her leaving YouTube ruined me), Chris Klemens or William Osman , and yes I love Gmm. But somehow unus annus showed up on my feed one day and even though I’m extremely picky about what I like on YouTube (or tv/movies in general) , I hesitantly fell in love. I wasn’t sold from the beginning. Ethan was a bit immature and way too bottom energy for me and mark the oppositeish, a bit immature and way too cocky for no reason, but for some reason I wanted to watch more. I didn’t discover them right away. It was probably four or five months in, but not too late for me to binge them all in my spare time. Having something to wake up to everyday in a shit time in my life was everything. As a gmm fan I was used to my weekends being a little sad youtube wise. But unus annus was changing the game for me. I quickly became a fan. Flash forward to a year later to where I’m somehow (against every predictable bone in my body) very sexually attracted to eef ( I mean when he licked his fingers in god knows what video and then when he spit on his hand in the butter churning vid, I knew he knew what the fuck to do with me, despite having serious bottom energy) and I still feel pretty indifferent about mark buti guess could describe my love for him as like a first cousin ( you know that annoyed by you but would still fuck somebody up for you energy?). Anyways despite all the ducking parentheses and sexual references, what I’m really trying to say is I’ve never actively said goodbye to something before. Like I’ve always had things taken from me abruptly. Whether it be my mom, my job, an ex, or my confidence. Getting the chance to say goodbye to something in such a healthy way triggered the fuck out of me. I was so jealous of my friend getting to say goodbye to her dying mom in hospice, getting the chance and time to process and accept and prepare for her moms death. But I didn’t realize (or definitely didn’t accept it how I can now) how that really affected me. I know it’s just a “dumb YouTube channel”, but getting to spend a shitty year getting to know you and then the event of getting to spend 12 hours with y’all and process what a goodbye meant when you get a chance to actually say it..... really impacted me. Thank you guys, this was long winded but I hope someone can relate to me in some way. Love y’all and best of luck in your future endeavors, ima true fan now. ❤️