Neon, or How to Disappear Completely with Noen Eubanks

Young Adult Friction

We sat down drunk on the beach, exhausted from laughing our lungs out earlier. "What if it isn't meant for me," I said, "love? " Xowie and Benji said nothing, but I felt them exhale with poignancy. The night was melancholic. The breeze was slow yet decisive in its cold, emphatic waver. Having both of them leaning on my shoulders made me feel less alone in the universe, in the night; unlike the stars above us: beautiful, dim and floating aimlessly by themselves. Benji and Xowie put their hands over me, giving a firm embrace, anchoring me from floating away into the waving darkness. "Never leave me alone," My lips whispered silently.

I was on a two-week vacation here in New Zealand. No matter how afraid I was to travel by myself, I needed it. I needed to escape my mind, all the familiar mementos of who I was--and who I will become if ever I'll get that far. As if I was born separated from any content in life . It makes it so that maybe, it was here where it ended up.

It was just my second day here when I met the two of them. I was walking around to find something to eat for dinner when one of them suddenly approached me to ask for directions. I was dumbfounded and froze on the spot when I recognized who it was.

"Excuse me. Do you happen to know where The Beef House is?" Xowie asked while person with her was looking at his phone. It took me a while to recognize that it was Benji. I was even more tensed.

My voice quivered at first, so I started over, "The Beef House is just located down the street beside an unmistakable yellow store. But for me, if you don't mind, they don't have great food there. Trust me, I tried yesterday."

Benji got up from his phone and looked at me, "What can you suggest for us uhmmm tourist?"

"That makes us both. Hehe. I can suggest the one across the street from it, Ben's Cafe. I'm actually going there right now. They have the best steaks, cakes, and coffee at least as far as my two-day experience is concerned haha."

Xowie gently smiled and talked with Benji for a moment, nodding now and then, while I stood in front looking at the space between them. "I have one question," Benji cordially articulated, "do you recognize us or anything?".

I thinly smiled and said, "Yes actually." Both of their faces suddenly went sullen, as if defeated. I gestured at Benji then Xowie, "you're Enrique Iglesias and you're Poppy." I laughed, "No, I don't. And will it matter anyway? Are you two wanted for any war crimes?"

Their faces then went back to their bubbly impression. They talked a bit then nodded. "Want to join us for lunch if it's okay with you? But," Xowie raised a harmless finger then smiled, "you got to pick what we're gonna eat. Don't disappoint us or else you'll pay for them." I nodded.

Even before we sat on our table, I was planning on ways to approach them; ways that would suit their personality, or at least based on the personality that I had deduced earlier. Is there then some sense of verisimilitude on what they show on Social Media? Better to keep it into account. But I constantly overthink things, just like this one, because the moment that they asked me about my concern for being here, I felt warmth in ways that old friends can only emit. Because of that, I openly told them about my depression and explained the reason why I'm here. I expected them to brush it off, like all my friends do, instead they were warmly, silently listening. They welcomed me in. I felt my throat clenched and my eyes tighten. I was always the person that my friends run up to when their anxiety hits. And I am proud that I help people, that in ways, I can be there when no one can know how to hear them, that I know their dialect. But I, in painful ways, fail to understand myself. Xowie laid her hand on mine while Benji laid his on my arm. I felt like being cradled in my mother's arms again.

They too were escaping from something: anxiety. Though I couldn't yet fully comprehend what it means and how it acts with regards to fame, I attentively listened to their hardships. They revealed who they were, to which I failed to respond with amusement or even confusion. Staring at me, "Enrique Iglesias and Poppy my a**". I explained that I did know them and the reason why I lied was because I noticed that they were drained. I know that having to confess my recognition of them would likely add more weight to it. They took my excuse without fluently. "Just don't lie to us again, promise?" Benji said, and I pledged.

The moment broke up when our orders were placed on our table. I lifted my mug. "Now guys, I'ma teach you how to consume this native beverage," I winked at them both. "This is called a coffee, children. It is brewed, it is a process where you brew things."

"How do you drink this 'coffee' if I may ask, dear sir." Benji ginned.

"It's easy my dear Benji," I quipped, "first you smell the aroma. When you do it like this, the coffee smells like---"

"Smells like what, senpai?" Xowie smiled.

"---like coffee," I added. The three of us almost spilled our mugs chuckling. I could barely keep myself when I continued with, "After which, you swallow. Now I know you two are fond of swallowing so . . ." Benji let out a guffaw while Xowie and I held our aching stomachs.

I was surprised that we weren't kicked out. The topics of our conversation weren't even child friendly. We bantered wildly for minutes then ordered a couple of beers after which we bantered for hours more. We went out when the waiters were already fixing up the tables. If not for their subtle gestures of irritation, then we wouldn't have left.

We gathered on the street, overlooking the evening sky and the placid sea. Our smiles signaled that our night wasn't over, so I bought a couple of cigarette packs and beers from the nearest store. With our vices at hand, we walked towards the beach.

"Do you guys know Frank Ocean's thinkin' 'bout you? " I asked and sang the song at the top of my lungs without any confirmation from the two. They joined me in drunken, cacophonous howls. When I instinctively put my arm over Xowie, half-embracing her, I snapped back to recline. "Sorry Xowie. I can be a little too affectionate, especially with friends. Please don't get the wrong idea," I apologized as I held my hands to which she looked at and responded by holding her chest and replying with a shrieking, "Nani!?"

"F***k you Xowie HAHAHAHAHAHA" I wailed. We all wailed. "It's okay, don't mind it bruh. We're already friends," Xowie replied. She put her hands around my waist and Benji's too as we moved forward.

"You know Xowie, to be honest---," I looked at her then gave a grin at Benji who was anticipating something, "you're the one who made a first move at me. Remember? It was about four hours ago." Xowie replied with a laughing "what?" I added, "When you walked up to me, it was like a k-drama. The world froze and a song played: saranghaeyooooooo! saranghaeyooooooo!"

Xowie collapsed bursting while Benji almost fell forwards. I was rolling on the beach in hysteria. "saranghaeyooooooo!" Benji echoed.

When the moment died down, we sat down, with me being in between Benji and Xowie. We drank more. We bantered more. We smoked more. We let our hearts bleed, and we picked up all its pieces and assembled them whole again.

No matter how I can't fully understand their struggles, they can be rest assured that I will always be ready to listen, that they are welcome too with open arms. I hope they know that.

The night ended when they decided to crash at my place. Drunk as we were, we still ended up at the right house. Looking back, I did have a great deal renting this. A great deal indeed for it includes a spacious room with two beds, a comfy living room, a wide kitchen, and a pleasant bathroom. We momentarily drank coffee and chatted for a while then retired. I offered my room to Benji and Xowie without any hesitation or having no for an answer. They finally gave up convincing me the reason "I should have a bed because it was my house" by rebutting with a proud "It isn't my house. I rented it". I already fixed up their bed when they accepted my hospitality.

"Don't worry about me, I got the couch" I pointed outside the room. We exchanged exhausted goodnights.

The night was over, until Benji went over to me. I was lying on the couch and about to put the blanket over my face when I heard him calling my name.

"Is it okay if some of our friends will come over in the morning to pick us up?"

"We can have breakfast here you all want," I smiled, "I can cook!"

"I bet Addison would love that." Benji looked at me with raised eyebrows and an animated look. He added, "and Noen too. Good night hahahaha!" He sped out and jumped on the bed and left me in nervous stupor.

Eat, Sleep, Wake

The two of them were staring at me, both with teasing grins. We all just woke up and had slight hangovers. I had finished cooking omelettes, pancakes, chicken nuggets, and hash browns. The delectable aroma reminded us of our hunger, but we persisted to eat at the same Noen, Addison, and Jorge. We drank coffee instead.

"What?" I playfully leered at them.

"Whachu gonna do?" Benji beamed. I inhaled slowly. I wasn't sure if it was the coffee or my nervous energy, but my hands started to slightly tremble.

"Whachu gonna dooo?" Xowie added, jesting, with her ethereal energy.

Here it comes again. Though we abnormally clicked on the first moment we exchanged smirks, what made us warm with each other was the sexual jokes, pun intended. It is as if we were a single unit, a man-o-war, where by just glancing over at one another causes an exchange of telekinetic waves inhabiting our jocular comebacks and traps. And even in despondent themes, we were there, and that's what made us never leave. To be a young adult burdens confusion.

"I can't do anything step-sis, I'm stuck!" I burst out almost falling off my chair. Xowie squatted down and leaned on her chair, rattling it with her for every cackle. Benji, on the hand, hung on my shoulder in exhaustion. We were stiff and aching from the night before. Benji was begging us to stop. "Please no more. It hurts everywhere," He begged again. The doorbell rang.

As expected, they found us without any problem because Benji sent our map location, and took a picture of the road and the front of the house. "Don't worry, they're chill, too," he assured me earlier. Nevertheless, I was shaking: nervous at the fact that I will meet the person who unknowingly saved my life, trembling at the possibility of him being differently malignant to what I perceived him to be, anxious at having a sense of hope that will inevitably end in heartbreak, shaking to the fact that I can no longer daydream---that I will finally wake.

Benji crawled halfway through with Xowie to welcome the three.

I should've said someone else. Why did I even say his name? During our stay at the beach, they asked me my favorite influencer. I unhesitatingly replied that it was Noen Eubanks. I was too drunk to realize that probably he was with them on vacation, just on a different venue. Thinking of it feels like falling from a skyscraper. Thinking of how I added, "not just a fave of mine, but also a huge crush," feels like hitting the ground. But what few understand is that it wasn't about his looks; it goes somewhere deeper. It's true that those who seem the happiest are the saddest of all. It may be a defense mechanism, a sense of comfort, a break from ourselves. I do it to feel alive again. And he helped me with it. His TikTok and Youtube videos are always fantastic, but his streams are the ones that got me. The way he articulates his ideas and how he approaches sensitive topics with an open mind connected with me. I don't know the feeling. I can't even describe how it affects me, just only that it fills something once void and places itself in warm, heavy excess. Even as I ask myself, analyze reasons for which, none comes close to answering this arbitrary feeling. It is what it is. I can never know the inner workings of the universe, but he came around and gave me vitality to survive. And instead of running away, I speed towards. A rogue planet caught by a star's gravity, orbiting around its flame, basking in its warmth. "And in time, all will be better", the space between us said. "In this centripetal embrace, there's no need to rush, for no one is truly ever lost."

Xowie welcomed them in, and Benji introduced them to me with radiance. Addison was wearing a simple jacket and looked kinder in person. Looking at Jorge, I felt his unease, not by the feeling of visiting a stranger's house but by Benji's presence. Being in a relationship, there seems to be tension whenever Benji comes nearer. Then there's Noen: half-smiling and glowing in his meek virtues. He was wearing a beanie, a plain black sweater, and dark pants. He stripped all of his honorifics, and by that all the anxiety with meeting him dried out. Without his flamboyant hair that overwhelms, without his crop tops which were almost high enough to raise concern, without his impeccable chains all was left was to look to his eyes: calm, certain, and ardent. I exchanged my hellos and gave them all the hospitality they deserve.

We ate at the kitchen table. Xowie and Benji sat beside me while Jorge, Addison, and Noen placed themselves on the other side of the wide table. Jorge was still a bit uneasy at having to sit in front of Benji. I was too, as Noen was just in my line of sight. I laid down the food and we ate unhesitatingly. While munching on my unmistakably delicious meal, I hope, I felt the two beside me exchange glances which then later converge on me.

"You seem to be quiet lately?" Xowie smirked.

"Is anything wrong?" Benji continued, "or should I ask, is someone right?"

I smiled to myself and slightly shook. We giggled, still in pain, in front of the confused three. I slapped Benji on his shoulder. They seem to find us still drunk for we were cradling each other in like swaying bamboo trees.

When the moment died down, I sat looking at my food. I felt self-conscious and, in turn, tame. I was afraid of making an unpleasant gesture. During my mental war, Xowie was conversing with Addison about some place that they're going to go to later, while Benji was conversing with Noen about the route. I excused myself for a smoke and went out into the backyard.

The day was bright and the sky was vivid with a coupe of birds flying over. Someone stood beside me. Without taking my glance above, I offered him a cigarette, thinking that he was either Benji or Xowie. Jorge took one.

We smoked in silence for a moment, "I hope you're doing all right."

Jorge gave me a curious and stark look, as if betrayed.

"Don't worry, no one told me anything, and I don't want to know anything else. I just feel it the same way I do with my friends back home," I assured. "You know how?"

He faced me still with curiosity but now with concern.

"It's too heavy to deny. It's not the way you talk, move or react but by the way you breathe. Heavy isn't it? Like something was placed on your chest. My friends would always come up to me during episodes like this, be it heartbreak or depression. It seems that I was the only one that they can run to. People don't get it. Almost all brush it off like dust, as if saying to it to go away would actually make it disappear. So here they are--here we are, mute, bedridden, silently wailing: bodiless souls traversing through avatars. I'll cradle you into the night, I tell them."

Jorge's eyes were turning light red. His cigarette lay hanging on his lips. He stood still and I could feel his shoulders relax. I continued.

"Conversations like these are always bittersweet. Bitter for the case of having to expose the pain that we try to deny to ourselves, repress beneath the deepest parts of our brain, fight through tame vices. Bitter to the fact that it's always there. It found us when we were young, hibernating on our backs 'til it chose to crack open, sprawling to what's in front of us. But there's sweetness. How someone attentively listens, by letting his guard down, is an act of pure kindness. Is this weakness? No, rather a chemical reaction to having to grow wings. Here is someone feeling the same arbitrary sorrow, we say under our breath. Here is someone with an open ear and an open heart to evoke the courage that we deny ourselves. Don't ever deny that you are strong and accept the fact that you can be stronger." I slowly put my hand on Jorge's shoulder, mildly pressing on any weight, "The sweetest thing is knowing that you're no longer alone."

I inhaled a long drag of smoke before continuing, "But then, sometimes I wish I knew someone who can speak my language, too." My eyes were numbing.

Jorge approached to embrace me. "Thank you," he said on my shoulder. After a moment, a whole minute where the sky seemed to turn indigo, we separated from the embrace and laughed at each of our faces wrinkled. I offered him a pack which he quickly replied with a "Hell yeah."

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We sat over the kitchen table mutely looking over at Benji and Jorge. They sat on the living room couch, pouring their hearts out. I didn't notice that they had been behind the screen door listening when Jorge and I poured our's earlier. I sure as hope Benji heard everything, because it was for him too.

"They seem to be going all right," Addison said. She gazed at me, half-smiling with wonder, "How did you do that? I mean, we tried helping those two out. Jorge wouldn't even go here if it wasn't for me and Xowie. You haven't even spoke to him, or even know what he's like."

"I didn't do anything," I smiled at their stare and nodded to Jorge's direction. "It's all him." Their faces lost their tension and slowly filled up with thankful relief like finding content in places that didn't matter at first.

"Addison, yes or no?" I asked, "did you know that the most beautiful girl on earth didn't know that she was, indeed, the most beautiful? Did you know that?"

She reacted, "No, actually." Noen and Addison's faces were slightly perplexed. Xowie smiled behind her coffee mug in anticipation.

"Exactly," I immediately replied while holding peace signs. Xowie screeched in visceral laughter and spat coffee on the table. Noen slapped his thigh, shaking in contained chortles. Addison, however, turned pink. She put her hand on her face, keeping herself together. Jorge and Benji jumped out of the couch and looked at us in gleeful shock.

After we cleaned up the mess and rested for about 10 minutes, the five of them gathered and talked about their trip. Benji and Jorge were holding hands, and once in a while, looked at one another and smiled mutely. Benji glanced at me and called, "You can take us to McKinley Hill, can't you?" I was about to reply when he interrupted with, "Great!" They briefly gathered again. Xowie, then, gestured Noen to me.

He seemed to float towards me, and I, in my mind, anchored him down. "I'm officially inviting you to come with us to take a journey towards the unknown. Should you accept, simply nod," He said in a mellow tone, smiling vividly. The bitter side of me was screaming 'corny'. Well, it is. But, inside, why am I screaming in excitement? I instinctively took a glance over at the group. And to no surprise Benji and Xowie were giving me an open-mouthed grin and a thumbs up. I nodded to Noen.

"Great!" Xowie exclaimed, "us four will sit on the back---while you call shotgun. Give him the right directions, we put our trust in you."

Something was up, I thought. "Who'll be driving?"

"Me," Noen said, now with an even emphatic smile.

I died on the spot. I melted on the floor while Xowie and Benji were silently giggling and pointing at me and Noen with dancing gestures. They even gave themselves high-fives!

WTF

Floating in Space

A mild blue haze shrouded the afternoon horizon, with rays of the sinking sun beaming and refracting on clouds. The drifting breeze in the car was starting to cool, and I felt my skin slightly tighten knowing that this day would end eventually.

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It's amazing how those four fit in the back. The car isn't even that confined, it just seems to be by having to sit beside Noen. Jorge and Benji snuggled while viewing something on their phones. Addison and Xowie chatted about the possibility of our food going bad in the trunk. I stood motionless, in calculated breaths.

"Play something on the stereo," Xowie addressed me.

"Does this car even have an audio jack?"

Noen reached for the cable in the compartment and laid it on my hand. Sensing something, I glimpsed at Xowie on the front view mirror, knowing for sure that she has full view of us for the reason of having been sandwiched between the three. "You owe me," she delightfully mimed. Did our hands touch? I don't know and now my mind can' t get over it. "So, what if it did?" my bitter side said. "Yeah, so?" I thought as I smiled to myself.

"I hope you like shoegaze?" I said as Slowdive's Crazy For You (Live on KEXP) enveloped the atmosphere. The guitar tone was hovering inside, bouncing on the walls, shaping an ethereal feedback. The distortion from the music emitted a visual white noise, encircling around us, then morphing to neon lights, chasing, speeding---catching up right outside our window. Noen was drumming on the steering wheel in synchrony with the tight snares. The four at the back were staring above in synesthetic trance. Then the song hit its crescendo: deafening, illusory and majestic in its bliss.

I felt weightless. The nervous tension was gone and I was back at it again fully-formed. "You know Noen, I always wanted to drive,"

"You do?" he replied and gave me a curious expression.

I added, "---drive you crazy!" They went wild. Benji let out a guffaw and Xowie was shaking Addison and Jorge, who both were laughing with their heads hanging. Noen slightly crouched and was controlling his springing arms.

"Be careful Noen," I warned.

"Hey! Could you hold the wheel for me? Just for a moment," Noen replied.

"I can't! You do it! You have hands, don't you?" I panicked.

"Don't worry, just hold it still like this," He reached over and placed my hand on the steering wheel. "The road is straight 'til about two more miles." He laid his hands on his sides limply and took a deep exhale.

I looked at the front view mirror again, and to no surprise, the four at the back were grinning with their mouth open, each raising a thumbs up. I gave them a long serious stare to which they replied with an exaggerated recreation of our hands touching.

"What's up?" Noen beamed

"Nothing, what's up with you," the four in the back returned.

"You're not holding it right," Noen pointed at my posture and the way I held the wheel. "We got two more miles and by the end of it you'll arm will fall off. Move here, closer."

I did move closer.

Someone shrieked at the back.

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We parked at the top of McKinley Hill overlooking the mountainous horizon. It was six in the evening and the scene was like paint settling down above. Shades of indigo mixed with purple and pink ebbed in the sky. The clouds, in pink outlines, slowly dissipated before finally turning to gentle haze. The trees loomed in abstract lines and brushes; vibrant in their stark gloom. The sky, mixed in soft indigo and shy blue, held together the bold and delicate dusk. How I imagined Noen above. The universe mimicked their child. And the breeze, animated and tranquil, showed me the feeling of swimming in his eyes. Then everything glowed, and when I looked at my hands, I saw them glow too: in neon. It finally caught up.

We laid our food on the grass and ate in front of the flaring headlight, flicking pieces of chicken and lettuce at one another whenever we joke about cringeworthy pick-up lines. How come, I marveled, that being here induces non-existent memories. This is the feeling one gets when meeting old friends again. Gazing at the starless sky and the gloom that surrounds us make it so that this will never end.

After finishing up, Addison and Xowie lazed on the hood of the car taking selfies. Noen was sitting on the ground, looking at his phone. Benji sprawled on the grass and toyed with Jorge's curly hair. While resting on Benji's chest, I heard him whisper to him, "where would I be?"

I went to one side where I could smoke alone, where I could hear the shadows. A moment had passed when he came from the dark. The two of us talked for minutes. There I saw in his eyes, simultaneously, the birth and death of the universe. If we weren't searched for, then we would have just stood there, facing each other, silently floating in space.

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They dropped me off in front of my house. I waved my goodbyes and thanks. Being alone in the house brought unease. I observed myself in the bathroom mirror, examining, scanning something that may be different. "The damage is done. I'm in love." I smiled to myself.

I had just gone into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. Dripping everywhere, I hurriedly put on my clean clothes from the cabinet. When I opened the door, they were there standing and jiggling bottles of alcohol. Noen, who was standing further onward, who was most likely the one who rang the bell, gave me an open mouthed beam.

"Try not to get drunk---" I advised myself, "or else he'll know that you love him."

I Heard You Looking

Because of a dare, Addison and I danced in the living room to some random EDM song. At least, she was dancing well. I, on the hand, spasmed like a worm on a plate of salt. Squatting around us, the other four cheered vehemently. Being too hyped by the energy, I dropped on the floor and did the worm with furious trembling, like a phone violently vibrating on a table. Addison saw this and collapsed. Xowie and Benji sprawled on the floor. Jorge fell to his side, which caused him to spill his drink on a gasping Noen.

Exhausted, I laid on the floor to catch my breath. I got up a little later to see that Jorge was wiping Noen's drenched shirt. "Noen, you want to borrow a shirt?" I asked. "Sorry, I really have no sense of fashion, so don't expect much!"

In the bedroom, I ravaged and sifted through my luggage with Noen peering at each clothing. Whenever he picked one, I would ask him to stand straight so that I can lay the shirt flat on his chest in order to see if it fits him. Five clothes on, still nothing. Noen doesn't help. He just jokingly roasts my fashion sense over and over, to which I finally reply with, "It's all about HOW you wear your clothes." He laughingly bickered with, "Yes but---are these all from Yeezy?"

I reacted by pinching his nose, slightly pulling it towards my face. He reacted by traversing between "ouch ouch ouch" and "hahahaha". I dominated with, "What? Whachu say?"

He then raised his hand and pinched my nose harder than what I was doing. "Ah ouch ouch ah! Too hard, Noen!" I shrieked in playful agony. We rocked back and forth and back forth, contesting at who can bear the most pain.

We pinched even harder until Xowie called out, "Hey! You two? What's going on in there!"

We released each other's nose, crimson and throbbing. "Oh, Nothing," Noen replied.

"Woooooooooh? Ayiiiiieeee!" Benji and Jorge howled.

I set my eyes on Noen, who now looked like a pale Christmas reindeer, and stuck my tongue out. He exchanged it with a more emphatic version. I directed my eyes at my luggage and found my favorite shirt huddled on the side, well, my most expensive one. Looks promising, I thought. I raised it in front of Noen. He replied with an amiable nod. I laid it on his chest. It looks good. It fits also well. I turned my gaze at him hoping to find the same satisfaction. Instead, he tilted his head and was looking at me with puppy-eyes and a teasing smile. I raised my hand again. Noen raised his also, but in a begging gesture. "No more please," he begged. I obliged. I raised my index finger instead and softly tapped his nose, like a button.

Too cute, my heart said.

"Is this okay? Speak to me Noen."

He took and searched it himself and gave it back to me. He replied with"It's lit actually."

Before I can even make a banter about how special it was, his face was already covered---by his shirt---which he was taking off. My heart shrieked. I swiftly turned around and pretended to be busy. But I can't remove that image. Thinking of it while scanning at a blank wall causes me to perspire uncontrollably. "Think of good memories. Think of cute puppies," I said to myself. (He has a nice torso). "No! Control yourself. Mind over matter. Mind over matter." (So he does have pink nipp. . .). I screamed ,"Nooooooooooooooo!"

"Can you hand me the shirt," he called over.

"Here," I said in an occupied manner and carried the shirt over my back.

"What're you staring on over there?" He asked.

"The wall. It is white." I said in compulsion. Saying this made my face contract in shame.

He went behind me. "Well it is," Neon agreed, "you really are something aren't you?"

My eyes widened. I can't determine if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

"always surprising," He added.

I died on the spot.

"Let's go," he nodded towards the living room. "Okay," I said mentally, "I'll just learn how to walk again."

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I was a little tipsy but the five were already drunk. Squatted in a circle, they were all swaying to different sides while Addison and Jorge sang Tame Impala's Feels Like We Only Go Backwards. Xowie fell to my shoulder and I put my arm over to keep her from falling. She put her arm on my shoulder too and did the same to Benji, who was at her side.

"I love you guys." Xowie looked at us, with eyes half-closed, and smiled ardently.

Benji then reached over at Jorge. Jorge did the same to Addison. Holding Addison, Noen sweetly gazed at me; they all did.

"Welcome to the club," Jorge welcomed.

I reached over to Noen, completing the circle of arms: a single unit, like a man-o-war. In a circle we remained, where the energy from one is passed onto the other through limb-channels, building watts with every iteration, going around without any possibility of stopping.

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Addison and Xowie were already sleeping in both of the beds in my room when I checked up on them. Noen was dozed off on the couch while Jorge and Benji laid on the floor below him, embracing. Noen moved his head a little which caused the couch to painfully creaked. I checked up on the three. No disturbance. "How old is this?" I angrily pondered.

I brought out five glasses and filled them with water. I then placed them at reaching distance for each of them. I silently went to my room and brought out blankets from the cabinet. I laid one to Jorge and Benji, and the last one to Noen. I could use my jackets for warmth, instead. As long as they're okay, my job is done.

I went out into the backyard, silently sliding the glass. I peered inside. The three were still asleep. Good. I smiled. I smoked with a smile on. I couldn't get over at the fact that I have more friends: more people to love, more people to love you back.

Gazing at the night, I heard an unmistakable creaking noise.

Noen went through the door and stood beside me. He looked at the sky, quietly searching for stars. Nothing. He brought with him his blanket. I looked at him as if he were a northern star, constant in its place, where the lost follow to be found again: the unbridled hope.

He looked at my burning cigarette and said, "You know? Millions die from smoking."

"Didn't you know that 100% of people die from breathing oxygen?" I rebutted to which he reacted with a high-pitched laugh. Upon realizing the noise, we both looked over our backs to see if we had woken them up. We didn't. We fell silent for a moment. We only heard ourselves breathe.

"What does it feel like to know that you're loved by millions?" I asked.

Noen breathed heavily. "A blessing. I mean, I chose to be here. I chose to live this life. I can leave whenever I want to."

I tried to believe his answer, but the way his eyes look onward in dim empathy, and the subtle tremble on his voice convinced me otherwise.

"Sisyphus was cursed by the gods to roll a boulder for eternity," I replied poignantly, smiling to myself. "One will be hopeless if he were tasked to push a heavy rock up a mountain only for it to fall back down again, for eternity. But not Sisyphus. By embracing his fate, by choosing to accept its meaninglessness, he became the master of the rock. It's no longer a burden but a step towards his goal. It's the rock that pushes him. One must imagine Sisyphus happy." I looked at him, "And I imagine and wish for you to choose happiness, too. F**ck everybody else."

He looked at me in fervid sincerity. I felt his eyes smile.

The night suddenly cooled. With only a shirt on, I shook and crossed my arms. Noen reached over and welcomed me into his blanket. We stood in silence. I felt his warmth slowly encapsulate my entire body. I could feel him breathe. I could feel our heart beat as one.

We then went inside. Noen laid on the couch and I laid on the floor. Though Noen insisted that I should take the blanket, I rejected the offer no matter how hard he tried to convince me. I wasn't cold on the floor for I still felt his warmth. I momentarily glanced at him. "Rest easy now", I told to him in my mind, "for I'll cradle you into the night."

Sweet Disposition

It was noon. They already left when I woke up. Lying on the floor, I stared at the ceiling. I felt my body sink. I reached into my pocket then lit a cigarette. Without anyone around, I could finally hear my brain and my heart converse with each other.

"What are you Doing? This will just end in a heartbreak. Get over it and protect yourself. Avoid him, his smile, his affectionate demeanor, the way he thinks. Especially the way he thinks. So what if he thinks the way you do? So what if you can open up to him? So what if he understands you? You can find someone better," brain said to me.

"But the damage is done, dear brain." Heart then addressed me, "What if you can't find someone better, because you already found the best?"

Brain said to heart, "But you already bled enough. You spent too much recovering from disappointments, failures, frailties. You don't know how. You're not ready yet. Give it time. Let brain protect you, dear heart."

"It always ends in defeat, dear brain, because you already gave up on it even before we could move," heart replied. "Hope, dear brain. Even if you'll know that I'll end up bruised, I'll heal faster if you could tell me what I have been like, how I've been so happy, how I danced. See me grow? I've never been this happier, at this moment. I grew, dear brain! You could be there with me healing, and tell me the sweet memories you have, and I'll show you how they feel. Join me, dear brain, for you're all heart has."

I smiled to myself. So this is how to fall in love. So this is how to have courage to fall.

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It was four in the afternoon and I ate lunch. I went to the beach just across the restaurant. The sky was burning, in energized passion.

I sat on the sand and turned my head over at my right. Somewhere, two blocks from here, the sun was burning for him. I couldn't point out which hotel they were staying in. I didn't use my phone the entire time us five were together; neither did they, well at least to take pictures. We experienced the world. Though careless, we seek the void and remodel it in our likeness. Somewhere over, I wondered, if he thinks of me too.

The sun was halfway sinking. I could feel the wind cool. "Are you stalking me?" Noen called, standing about five meters from me. He must have been walking around.

I cleared my throat, "I should ask you the same question, because as far as I'm concerned, I'm the one sitting down and you're the one who was walking." I raised my eyebrow at him, jesting him with a cynical look.

He advanced in front of me, overlaying himself on my view of the sunset. It was as if he was glowing. Gleaming in energized heat. Exploding in warm solar flares. Seeing his outlines clearly, it occurred to me that he never did stand straight. He would always lean on one of his foot which resulted in his slightly slanted posture. Same with how he sits, too. He carried himself the way I did, in careless comfort. It was as if we were trying to lean on to something invisible, immaterial. Two slanted lines finding ways to meet.

"Okay," he said then walked away opposite to the hotel.

Should I follow? No. Let him be. But, did you see the way he said 'okay'? He jerked his elbow and slightly winked at you. This means, my dear, that he's teasing you again. Go now!

I got up and ran towards him. Though he wasn't that far away, it was excitement that made me sprint. I didn't approach him initially. I was about a meter behind him, just too shy to make a disturbance. "Shy? You feel shy? Really!?" My brain joked at me.

"Who's the stalker now," Noen called.

"Excuse me, I'm just walking to my house, if that's alright with you." I called from behind.

"Okay," he replied again.

We were walking for some time when he stopped ahead which I did too. "Isn't this your house?" he turned around to me and pointed towards the street, towards my unmistakable house. I nodded. "You said you were returning to your house, right?" Noen asked. I nodded again. "Then, here you are." He was forcibly trying to hide his grin. He tried to hide his expressions, but it wasn’t enough to conceal his playful nature. I, on the other hand, was thinking if either he is just friendly or a tease. Friendly by not directly saying to me to leave him alone but by masking it in joviality. A tease by exploiting the romantic excitement as evident in my gestures. What should it be?

"You're not going in?" Noen flatly said. I, again, nodded. "Where do you want to go then?" He said now with a burning smile.

"To your heart," my heart said to me. "No! Don't say that," brain interrupted.

I opened my mouth and was about to talk when Noen cut me off and said, "You want to walk with me?" I said nothing. I was futilely coming up with harmless and benevolent excuses. He then said, "Nod for a yes." I nodded. He gestured his head for me to come beside him.

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Sitting on the sand, Noen opened up his anxiety to me.

He said that he is distressed about everything going around him: the pressure of being well-known, the social anxiety that follows with having to meet strangers, the corporate grip on what he should do, and the future, which isn't frequently kind to young stars. I listened to every word with a heavy sense of empathy and yearning. How I searched for the right words to use.

"No one gets it, and no one wants to. For some that do, they stay mute, shelved and waiting for others to initiate like a drawn-out cycle. But it eventually breaks. Like a tape loop, it will disintegrate. Then there, you'll be able to hear your own voice again and of those like you too. I'm here, you know? Think of me as a pet that never leaves your side."

Noen responded that it's true that it's hard to open up; and when he does, the result almost always falls short of having a lasting impact. He thanked and said, "I can also be here, you know," Noen said, and I have to re-listen to it in my head because my brain couldn't--wouldn't comprehend, and when it did, something in me filled. When I snapped back, I saw that it was my turn for he asked, "How 'bout you? Why do you feel like this too?"

Not the lack of fame but the realization that I'll die nameless, that being below average is the best stage I can be in," I said, "That one day, someday, while I lie as soil beneath the ground, the final person that knew who I was will be buried under too, along with the truth that I was once a part of this world." And I defended myself that I wasn't bitter about people like him, about those that seem to have it all.

"What do you want? If not fame, maybe money too, what is?" Noen asked.

'All I really want is YOU,' my heart burst out.

I composed myself. This conversation really is tearing my sanity apart, but in a good way. It's good to feel alive again. "Everyone wants fame and money and that includes me, because they motivate, " I cleared. "But what I need---I don't exactly know. I'm this down without knowing how to cope with it. It comes and goes, you know. But, you know, maybe, all we need is someone, someone on our side regardless of being able to understand this, someone who is always---there--here unconditionally."

We gazed at nothing, into the void and beyond. I felt his breathing deepen. The soft breeze changed direction. Without turning my gaze from the sea, I felt him shed his frailties. I felt him get stronger.

I ran into the sea without hesitation. I swam as fast as I could and settled when my arms got numb. I was playing the water around. I was fervently euphoric for I felt my frailties shed, too. Noen swam towards me and pulled my feet under the water causing me to submerge. I did him the same favor. We frolicked in the night, in the silence, in the waves.

Edit the Sad Parts

Noen and I answered the door. The four stood in the doorway looking at the towels wrapped around our heads.

"We swam," I said. They synchronously bobbed their head in a doubtful nod.

Xowie went to me and gave a tight hug. I took the plastic bag that she was holding and brought her with me towards the kitchen table. Addison and Jorge were setting the food on the living room floor while Noen and Benji chatted on the couch. Xowie reached inside the plastic bag and brought out a bottle of alcohol. She raised her eyebrow and grinned at me.

It was an hour after they arrived but we were already drunk. We were playing spin the bottle with truth or dare as the sport. It was all dares, basically. We made Jorge twerk with Addison on the couch. We dared Benji to perform a slow dance with Xowie. They made me do a plank on the toilet bowl. Noen, on the other hand, was commanded to wear on Xowie's bra. Drinks were spilled, food was flicked on each other's hair, and our chest were in agony. The bottle was again spun and we anticipated in embarrassing fear. It pointed at me. I looked around and saw Benji and Xowie nod at each other.

"The dare is that you and Noen will kiss Benji on the cheeks at the same time." Xowie explained. She pointed at me, "You'll kiss on Benji's left cheek while Noen will kiss on the right. Got it?"

Benji sat in front of our circle. I and Noen moved forwards. "On the count of three, kiss Benji!" Xowie said. "1 , 2, 3 go!"

In drunken movements, Noen and I advanced our heads toward Benji. During the journey, Benji crouched which cued Xowie and Jorge to push our heads, causing Noen and my face to meet---causing us to kiss. Conscious of the unexpected outcome, we bolted out immediately. Jorge and Xowie were jumping in ecstasy while Addison was laying on Benji's back, both losing their minds. Noen leaned on the couch and guffawed in high-pitched notes. I, on the other hand, was silent in disbelief and slight embarrassment. I didn't know how and what to feel. My brain was sifting through its dictionary while my heart was beating in speed it didn't know it could muster. "My first kiss," I thought.

When it died down. Xowie sat to my side and embraced me. She scanned my face. I thought she found something in my expression because she reacted with a loving, "awww..." and embraced me gleefully. "Don't fly away in cloud nine from us," she whispered to me.

As if nothing had happened, Addison spun the bottle again.

As the game progressed, I pondered frequently on Noen's reaction to our kiss. Glancing at him now and again, I noticed that he wasn't acting differently. Was it just me? Was that kiss insignificant to him? Maybe. But why then whenever our eyes meet unexpectedly, his face would slightly blush and glow in white radiance?

Hours passed after we finished up. All of them were all too drunk to stand on their own. I assisted Addison to sleep beside Xowie on the other bed in my room because Noen was already lying on the other bed. I went over to the living room and carried Benji and Jorge on the couch to sleep. When I was about to wash my face in the kitchen lavatory, Addison called out that Noen was about to vomit.

I rushed to get a casserole on the counter and sped towards Noen's side. I laid it on the bed and turned Noen to it. He puked a lot. It seemed that he had lots more to give out. So when momentarily stopped, I rushed to the cabinet beside the room door to get two towels. I got into the bathroom and soaked them in warm water. I rushed back to his side. I wiped his face, his mouth and neck. I then took his shoes and sock off then went to his side again. Every time he puked, I would cradle his torso and caress his back to induce a sense of comfort. Minutes have passed 'til he was done and finally slept. I put the casserole below the bed and squatted back. He was still. The house was still. I was about to doze off when I noticed Noen. He cried in his sleep. "It's okay," I whispered to his dreaming frame, "No one's gonna hurt you now."

I wiped his tears every time they built up to fall to his ears. I didn't know how long I was awake for I also dozed off. I dreamed I fell sideways, that I slept beside him. I dreamed I was alone in space, floating aimlessly. But in the dark vacuum, I saw Noen at a distance and he saw me, too. We propelled towards each other. Though light years apart, we persevered knowing that no matter how long it took, be it billions of years, someday we would meet.

Were we dreaming as one?

Pains of Being Pure at Heart

I woke up without him on my side. Xowie and Addison were staring at their phones from the other bed.

"Good morning," I dozily called over.

"Good morning to you," Xowie cheered. They both smiled brightly at me then looked at each other and childishly giggled.

I looked at them in curiosity and tried to deduce the reason behind their giddiness. "Oh, that's right," my already waking brain realized, "I slept on the same bed with Noen. RIP." As all my senses woke up, I picked up the aroma entering the room.

"Someone's cooking? You all should've woken me up if you guys were ever hungry. No one cooks better than me," I gloated.

Addison leaned towards me with a sinister smile and said, "tell that to Noen." I jumped.

I left and stood in the living room. There he was. His back was turned from me and was busy frying eggs. I moved slowly forwards. To my right sat Benji and Jorge. Pausing for a moment, I said my good morning . They were lying on the couch and were busy playing mobile games. They turned their heads to me. Jorge pointed his lips at Noen. I replied with a perplexed expression and said in a low voice, "what?" The two just looked at me smiling maliciously. A bunch of monkeys. I then narrowed my eyes and gestured an I'm-watching-you.

"You're awake!" Noen addressed when I approached him.

"I am. Need some help?"

"Hold a plate for me, these eggs are almost done," Noen replied.

Were my eyes really blurry? Was the sunlight reflecting too much light inside? Or was it him that made me wince? Like a flashlight directed on my eyes, he shone so brightly that I can hardly take it. But I did, and I saw him gleam to my morning wake.

Noen carefully placed the fried eggs one by one on the plate so as to not break the yolks. His eyes were fixed to his movement. When he finally transferred the final egg, its yolk poured out. He suddenly let out a high-pitched laugh in comical frustration.

"You were doing so well Noen hahaha," I teased. "Don't mind it! They look delicious either way, chef." Our eyes met. Noen and I froze smiling.

"Ehem. Mom and Dad is it done yet!?" Jorge called from the couch. They were actually watching the two of us like some village gossipers.

"Breakfast is ready kids!" I called.

We sat around the kitchen table and prepared the plates and coffee. When it was all ready, we didn't waste time to indulge. I was eating mindlessly until I noticed Noen, who was sitting in front of me, wondering at my appetite. He looked at me smiling to himself, as if restraining himself. Or was it that I was who he was wondering about?

"How's the food?" Benji asked me as I was about to drink his coffee.

Noen looked at me, radiating in excitement. They concentrated their attention to me. I took a piece of hash brown and slowly sniffed its aroma, treating it as a glass of wine. I then took a bite out of it and nodded in satisfaction.

"So," Noen said then hiccuped a laugh.

"Where am I? Who are you? What's my name?" I acted. They then shook on their seats, craving for more. "If I would rate this from one to then," I peered at them then set my eyes on Noen, "I'll give this a solid one."

"One!" Noen violently protested.

"One, because it's one of a kind in its yummy-ness." I replied. They jerked on their seats. Benji put his hand on his face, giggling in the cheesiness of it all. Addison threw her head back and was laughing and cringing at the same time. Jorge and Xowie high fived in ecstatic approval. On the other hand, Noen looked at me smiling with his upper teeth showing, moving his head in a joking show of injustice.

"What?" I called.

"I'm never gonna cook again," Noen replied.

"Why would you? The eggs aren't watery. The hash browns are perfectly well done. The pancakes are mixed well and that they melt in your mouth."

"Sure," Noen acted as if defeated. I asked him in my mind, "Why you gotta tease me like this?"

"Believe me, Noen." I smiled at him, "I'm a man of culture."

"Sure," he said again in lethargy. His eyes met his food. But I just stared at him, trying him to look me in the eyes. I know that he knows that I'm looking at him. I saw he was trying the urge to smile too. I saw his lips slightly contract and quiver. He looked at me and we smiled at each other: a peace treaty.

Without initially noticing, the four were actually silently listening to our bickering. Moving their heads from me to Noen, like watching a tennis match. They sensed something. I felt they sensed something both wholehearted and troublesome, something different and unfamiliar between me and Noen.

They had to go home after we finished eating. They craved for a shower to rinse off the smell of vomit, alcohol, and smoke from their clothes and skin. Before riding back, Xowie approached me and said that she and Benji will visit me later. They have to tell me something. There was worry in her face and in the tone of her voice.

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I already took a bath and ate lunch when they arrived at my house. They brought with them cups of coffee still too hot to sip. We sat in the living room, leaning on the couch. They looked at each other in somber undertones.

"We've only got two days left before we fly back," Xowie said. She took a deep inhale. "The primary reason that we took a vacation here is for Noen."

Benji continued, "I'm sure you already know the reason why. Being you, it's never really that hard to open up. You're like an old friend to us. We planned everything out: skydiving, mountain hiking, you name them, thinking that these would solve 'it.' But we chose to be here. I don't know why, but it seemed right."

Benji looked at Xowie, indicating that it was her turn. "We can see it. In you. In Noen." She smiled, trying to hold her anguish. "But I feel like it was our fault for teasing you two. I mean, you do that too. To yourself. Noen also. You baited yourselves to your traps. Now, we feel guilty at it because we know that by leaving in two days, we'll end up conspiring to break your hearts." She cleared her throat and held my hand, "Do what you know is right. Do what you love. F**k what'll happen after. Just always remember that we're here for you. Even if it's just through phone calls, remember that it doesn't change the fact that you have us always ready to listen. That we're always ready to get drunk, if ever we'll meet again."

"You'll never know if you don't try. And if ever you'd fail, you'll never be the same again. The next time, you'll be stronger than ever before." I said.

The sorrow on their faces faded. We leaned towards each other for an embrace. We wiped each other's tears off, laughing at how ugly we cry.

Xowie's phone rang. It was a text. She smiled in elation after she read it. "Addison said to grab some takeouts. We'll eat our dinner at the beach later at six." She pause, "And there's by any chance that we're here at your house, we should leave now---because Noen's coming over."

"We need to leave now Xowie!" Benji shrieked in a jubilant burst as he shook Xowie. They sprinted to their feet shrieking and ran outside. "See yah later!"Benji called outside.

I sat still and didn't know how to react.

No Longer Making Time

I was waiting for him in nervous fear. After Benji and Xowie have left, I went through my luggage and put on some of my best clothes. I styled my hair. I put on perfume. I even brushed my teeth two times in a row. Sitting on the couch, I could feel my hands tremble. I was afraid to disappoint him. I was afraid to assume moments that will never come.

He rang the bell and I opened the door. We stood there motionless, nervously smiling. Did the world slow down? No, it just couldn't process the moment of this meeting. His hair refracted the sunlight, as if emitting its own shine. His face curved in angles with divine precision, following a formula to surmise what one feels like to gaze at it. His eyes were animated in such a way that invisible currents shot through and magnetized the onlooker. But, all I ever needed was for him to talk, for him to express his beautiful mind.

"Let's go?" Noen asked.

"Where?" I replied.

He hiccuped a laughter, "Does it matter?"

We rode in the car and drove. I plugged in my phone to play my music. Noen rolled the windows down. The wind flew furiously inside. The smell of the trees, of the beach, of the soil played around in our senses. Without speaking, without needing to shift gears, Noen reached to me and placed his hand on top of mind. I felt him warm up. He tightened his grip, as if he wants to keep me here, as if he has no time left. We sped onward in rates where time is nonexistent. All worries that our time together will soon end faded. We lived in the present. What comes after this won't matter anymore, because no matter what happens after this, someday---somehow, we'll be together in boundless possibilities.

"Never leave," I whispered in the turbulent wind.

Then, I saw him smile.

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It was around six in the evening when we got to the beach where we would meet the four. We had driven around for about two hours, but we never got tired of it. We walked together in the sand still not speaking, but high on the moment before.

We found them huddled together in the sand. They called for us because the food was already getting cold. We joined them in a circle. The evening was warm and still. The only sound that was audible was that of the crashing waves. Addison brought out a candle and lit it up in the middle. It burned as if combusting from the fuel of having to experience your teen years again. The orange and yellow flames danced on our faces and we couldn't explain the feeling. What was once lost, was now forever found.

After we finished eating, we carried the leftovers on our way to the car. Halfway there, I turned around and walked backwards singing my lungs out to Blind Pilot's Umpqua Rushing. Xowie put her arm around my shoulder and joined me in my modified journey. Then they all joined in. Arms connected to each other, with every step backwards is forwards. We looked at the moon, the visible foam of the sea, and the dark canvass that held them in place.

I fell backwards and twisted my ankle. This caused a chain reaction that made them fall, too. While they laughed at how the sand got to their back and hair, I was in slight agony. Though it wasn't that severe, I could feel some throbbing in my ankle.

Addison approached me to check if I was okay. Still sitting in the sand, I said that I was and that it's just I slightly twisted my ankle.

"Can you walk?" She asked

"Sure I can, just that I have to first massage it a little," I replied.

She thought of something, "You owe me on this."

Before I could ask what she meant by that, she firmly pinched my leg causing me to screech. The four, who were brushing sand from their body, rushed over to me.

"You alright? What happened?" Asked Noen as he leaned over to me.

Addison said that I twisted my ankle, that I couldn't walk, and that I needed someone to support me. After she said this, she grabbed Jorge, Benji, and Xowie by the hand and ran laughing with them towards the car.

Noen lifted me up and wrapped my arm around his shoulder. He was silent as he supported me. But, I felt his worry. His face wasn't radiating anymore but self-contained in its flares, as if light was evolving to a solid state, something I know I can rely on. The four huddled outside the car watching us slowly approach. Bunch of monkeys, I lovingly thought of them.

"They're still open?," I said as I stared at the cafe over the street. I was craving for some coffee without knowing why.

"Why? you want to go?" Noen asked.

"You got your phone with you, Noen?" Addison interrupted. Noen said that he did. Then, Addison reached into Noen's pocket and got the car keys. "Okay! if you're done, text us to pick you up later? Byeeee."

They all went into the car, with Addison driving. As they went off, they rolled their windows down and waved teasing goodbyes at us.

Noen hiccuped a laugh and jerked his head towards the cafe. "Let's go."

I had no choice but to follow wherever he leads me.

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We sat in the cafe silently shy with each other. We playfully avoided meeting the other's eyes. Pretending to look over the other, pretending to look down, avoiding the moment our eyes would say yes. But our expressions betrayed us. We try as hard as we can to avoid smiling, but our faces wouldn't agree. We diverted our attention to the coffee mugs in front of us. But it didn't help either. The elation, the romantic excitement combusting in us would soon implode and explode at the same time.

"You know, my ankle doesn't hurt that much. There's no need to carry me around," I said to him while still setting my attention at my coffee mug.

"So I noticed, but it's alright," Noen said. I looked into his eyes. "I just needed an excuse to wrap my arms around you."

My face reddened and contracted in ways romantic exhilaration can only do. "Why you gotta do this to me, Noen?" I silently asked him. I reached for my coffee and sipped to clear my dry throat. He looked at me, smiling with both his eyes and lips. He tilted his head and gave me a look of fervid gratitude, as if I completed a part of him---as if I had shown him things that he never knew he needed.

I cleared my throat. "You know, you can hold me any time," I said, "and I'll be right here, ready to hold you back." I looked at him, yearning him to never leave my side.

His eyes gleamed. His smile widened. I felt his heart grow in size. "You sure about that?" Noen responded, "because once I take a hold, I'll never let go."

His face glowed, but not by his own account. The glow was coming from me.

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We were waiting for them to pick us up on the street. We only had coffee and cake but they were fantastic. We could've stayed a while longer but the cafe was already about to close. We both decided to go home even if it was against our wishes.

Standing on the street, Noen embraced me. I wrapped my arm around his back. He then turned his face to mine. I saw in his look something that I can put my faith on. It was at that moment I tasted the sweetest feeling. It was at that moment I felt that I wasn't alone anymore.

He slowly leaned over to kiss me. I leaned forward.

We then heard sounds of clapping causing us to stop halfway through. The four were already parked on the street in front of us. Seeing what we would do, they hit each other's arms and legs in excitement. They shrieked. They jumped in the car. They humorously choked each other.

Addison rolled her window down and called out, "get in b**ches!"

Circadian Rhythm

Addison and the three picked me and Noen at the cafe. Instead of dropping me off to my house, they insisted that I should sleep at the hotel that they were staying in.

"We have plenty of space," said Noen.

Addison drove the car and Xowie was riding shotgun. Noen was beside me at the back along with Benji and Jorge. I smiled at Noen as a sign of approval. After a while, Noen bounced his index finger on my hand repeatedly as if playing Mario. When I noticed it, I formed my hand like a flower and tried to snap shut and take hold of his finger. He would sometimes fake his landing, causing me to clasp at nothing. Many times, I came close but he was just too fast and clever with his trickery. But when I finally took hold of his finger, he formed it and bloomed his hand to hold mine.

"Game over", Noen said under his breath.

We got to the hotel and took the elevator. They were on the 15th floor. After we walked past different rooms, they stopped and pointed at two rooms beside each other. The one was Noen, Benji, and Jorge's room while the other was Xowie and Addison's. They decided to hang out at Noen's. The hotel room was spacious. It had two beds, one was for Noen and the other one was shared by Jorge and Benji. We huddled together on the carpeted floor. The carpet was so comfortable and soft that I would have no trouble if it were to be my mattress.

The five were conversing about their plans for tomorrow. I was just listening in. I was weirdly fascinated by this impossibly soft carpet. Out of curiosity, I laid down. I momentarily closed my eyes and not long after I fell asleep.

I was half-awake when I heard Xowie and Addison leave the room. Through subtle voices, I heard Jorge and Benji lie on their bed. I was about to doze off again when I felt someone lift me up from the ground. The unmistakable heat from his body said that it was Noen. He carried me on his arms, slowly navigated me from the corners of the bed. He then gently laid me in his bed. He took the blanket and laid it on top of me. He gently brushed my hair away from my face. I felt him lie beside me. I felt his noble gaze.

Softly, I heard him whisper a lullaby:

"At last, I'm found

Circle around

Last dance, no sound

Nowhere left to go, stay with me

Nowhere left to go, stay with me"

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I woke up to the smell of breakfast. I viewed my phone and corrected myself, because it was apparently lunchtime. Over the other bed, Jorge and Benji were eating theirs. Mine and Noen were still sitting below our feet.

Noticing me awake, Benji called with a smile, "You can finally eat Noen!"

Noen was facing them and was apparently talking about something. Upon learning this, he turned to me and brightly shined. He took our platter, handing mine on my lap.

"They have great food here," Noen said, "but, yours are the best." He smiled and hiccuped a laugh.

We ate our meal together and chatted for minutes. Xowie and Addison came over to us from their room and we chatted for even longer. We didn't care about the time. We didn't care if we disturbed the other other rooms. All we needed was what we have here at this moment. Sitting with me, with his arm over my frame---my whole being, all I ever needed was him.

When it was already dawn, we planned to eat and swim again on the beach for the last time. Addison and Xowie went to their rooms to change while Benji and Jorge went out to buy our food. We planned to meet at the exact spot on the beach that we always went to. All who were left were me and Noen.

We were facing each other on his bed, sitting so close that we could feel the other's breath.

"So. . ." I asked him, smiling in wonder.

"So," he replied as he looked inside of me.

"Last day," I said in a bittersweet tone. "Thank you---for everything."

"No," he said sentimentally looking to my eyes, "First day of the rest of our lives."

Noen took my arm and led me outside the room. We took the elevator. His hand was still pressing on mine while we waited for the elevator door to open. We got in when it finally was on our floor. We were the only ones inside. He approached the floor button and pressed all of it.

"Why'd you do that, Noen?" I reacted.

He replied, "I'd want to be with you alone, longer."

He went over to me and placed his hands beside me, trapping me in his frame. I freely stayed in his arms.

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The wind felt different. My skin tightened every time it gushed. The day was nearing an end. After this night, we'll travel back to where we came from. My heart throbbed heavily trying to bask every frame of this night at the beach. Below the dark sky swam the five. They frolicked in the salty waters, chased each other in careless joy, momentarily oblivious to what will come tomorrow. Thank you guys, I thought. They called me. I ran towards them screaming inside: this won't be the last time.

The water was cool. I felt alive. I swam past Jorge and Benji and splashed water on their faces to their delight. I embraced Addison then pulled her feet, causing her to go under. Xowie swam towards me and embraced me from behind. She slowly turned me then swam away.

There he was. His back was turned to me. He gazed at a distance. I let the sea carry me towards him; I let the moon light my way. I was about a meter behind him. I said nothing. I felt the solemnity in the way he breathed.

"Wherever you'd go, " Noen said, "I'll find you there."

The water warmed. The moonlight lit him up, turned him incandescent. Like a bug, I hovered towards the light. Light finally has someone to be with---someone who can appreciate his shine, and Bug finally felt warm again. My tears fell into the sea, disappearing with the waters. He turned and swam to me.

"Kiss me," Noen said.

I looked over at the four then turned my attention back to him. I was hesitant to do it in front of them.

"Hold your breath," I said to Noen.

We submerged in the water. Below the stars, below the waves, we tasted the salt and sweetness of our first kiss.

How to Disappear Completely

After we swam, ate, and pondered at the beach we decided to get back to the hotel for the last time. Noen and I, still wet from the sea, walked embracing each other. We would glance at each other, now and then, and can't help but smile.

Inside the hotel with wet clothes, Noen lent me his shirt and pants. I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I directed my face straight at the streaming water, cleansing the sand, cleansing the salt, washing away my tears. I sat down and embraced my legs, trying to contain the inevitable sadness---the coming melancholy.

"It's okay," said heart, "It won't be over. You'll have a piece of him in you---always---forever."

"It isn't over," added brain, "It will go on and on and on."

I smiled to myself. I felt courage run through my body. I got up and faced the streaming water. I smiled thinking of how happy my time was here---with him. Hope ran in my veins: a certain hope that someday, somehow we'll meet again.

After I changed into his clothes, I went to join them. Addison and Xowie were already huddled up with Jorge and Benji. They seemed to already have cleaned themselves up. Turning my head around the room, I noticed that it had an extra bathroom. I redirected back to them. Noen and I locked eyes. He was waiting for me. I went over to him and leaned on his back and embraced his neck. Holding him in my arms left me in wistful daydream.

Huddled together, all their attention was directed at me. Benji led the conversation. He asked me about everything---everything embarrassing like my first kiss, my most awkward moment in school, and my favorite Justin Bieber song. I answered everything truthfully to the joy of Xowie, Jorge, Addison and Noen no matter how cringe they may be. "Have you been in any relationship before?" Xowie then asked. They all stared at me in silent anticipation.

"Never had been in one," I replied, "I'm too afraid. I don't know why."

They all nodded then stared at each other, telepathically conversing in their own little world. Noen lay motionless and mute in my arms. I felt his heart throb rapidly, as if gradually building energy.

I released my hold and sat beside him. He turned to me and we looked at each other. We disappeared. Everyone and everything around faded but me and Noen. I was there in the empty room with him--him and his socially awkward demeanor--him and his tender attributes. He slowly gave me his asymmetrical smile. Streaks of different colors then flew right out of his hair and encircled around us with accelerating speed. There I saw in his eyes, simultaneously, love and heartbreak.

"I'm just gonna smoke for a bit. They may have a smoking area here. At the rooftop? I hope," I said Noen. I then signed my intentions to Benji, Jorge and Addison. Xowie, however, looked at me with subtle concern. Across the circle, she approached and whispered something to Noen. Noen looked at her heavily and gave a spare nod of confirmation and returned his gaze to me. Noen's eyes followed me across the room until the shut of the door broke the trance. Xowie and I took the elevator to the hotel rooftop.

The rooftop was briefly etched by a single light bulb hanging from the entrance door. The place was wide. We were the only ones there. I knew Xowie was gonna say something heavily private because she kept on looking over at the entrance door where my back was turned to. The sky was flowing in darkness, so much so that the stars were like salt debris. I felt the gust of the city, unemotional and damp. Xowie and I were like swimming in the night, holding our torches as we inhaled the cool smoke. We were silent for some time when we heard the backdoor open gently. It must be the wind for Xowie didn't flinch to see who it was. And as I inhaled more, I felt like it was coming.

"You can't tell anyone," Xowie said firmly, "at least, not after it's blown up. You got me?" I nodded firmly."Every one of us already knows it. But we're not sure if he's sure of what he's gonna do. But as a good friend of mine, no, a very good friend, I think you need to know what he's planning," She told me with conviction. Then she added, "because it's all about you."

I was silent the entire time she laid everything. My cigarette hung over my limp hand and turned itself to ash slowly 'til nothing was left. After what she'd told me, we went silent again.

My mind went blank and I was weightless. I put another cigarette on my lips. As the fire lit up and the tobacco burned, the brief flash of light lit up her face, saying that Noen was there with us. It wasn't the wind, but him. He silently walked beside me. He gazed at me and took the cigarette and inhaled a long drag of smoke. Every time he inhaled, the cigarette grew even brighter. We stood there, facing each other, saying nothing, silently floating in space.

"You never been in any relationship before," Noen said, "you said because you're afraid?"

I said nothing.

Noen smiled, "let's be afraid together."