Book Review: "Surrounded by Narcissists" by Thomas Erikson

As you can tell, I'm making my way through the whole series. So far, I have read Surrounded by Idiots and Surrounded by Liars. This one is called Surrounded by Narcissists and even though there is still the same sort of data problem going on, this book might be the best one in the series because of its ability to be the most articulate. Unlike lying and idiocy, narcisissm is actually a mental affliction and so it is difficult to get it wrong if you're using the definition of the word. So, let's have a look at this book - another in the series...

Erikson explains that narcissism goes beyond ordinary self-interest or confidence. Narcissists display excessive self-centeredness, a deep need for admiration, and a significant lack of empathy. These traits often cause harm to those around them, as narcissists prioritise their own needs and desires without consideration for others. Recognising narcissistic traits can help you protect yourself from their impact. This is actually pretty good because it works with the definitions that mental health specialists have given for 'narcissism'. But don't worry, nothing is all sunshine and rainbows in this text.

Narcissists use various manipulation tactics to maintain control over others. Techniques like gaslighting (making you question your reality), love-bombing (showering you with attention to win your trust), and guilt-tripping (making you feel responsible for their emotions) are common. Understanding these tactics allows you to see through manipulative behaviours and prevents you from being exploited. Now, this is basically what he said the first time and going over and over like this seems more like filler in the book than actually presenting something the reader does not already know by now. Also, the fact that what has been mentioned is so prevalent in popular psychology culture means that there really is not any ground-breaking stuff. It's very surface level.

Building on his four-colour personality model (red, yellow, green, and blue), Erikson explores how narcissists interact differently with each personality type. For example, a narcissist might exploit a ‘green’ personality's kindness and willingness to avoid conflict, whereas they may challenge a ‘red’ personality more directly. Knowing how narcissists approach different types can help you anticipate and counter their behaviour. I never really cared for the colours that he uses because of the fact they are not backed up by science, they're just random colours the author has chosen to sort things out.

Erikson stresses the importance of setting firm boundaries with narcissists to avoid being taken advantage of. He encourages you to establish and stick to personal limits on time, emotional investment, and energy. Boundaries help protect your self-respect and prevent narcissists from controlling your life. I think this is all well and good for someone who has probably never dealt with one, but for those who do - dealing with this can be frightening and often abusive. It's like the 'just say no to drugs' campaign. All words and doesn't really do anything nor does it help anyone. This whole section was a bit eye-rolling even though it was better written than the other books and their attempts to explain what one should do.

The author makes an important distinction between empathy and enabling. While empathy is a valuable quality, it can make people vulnerable to narcissists if it leads to tolerating or excusing harmful behaviour. He emphasises that empathy should not come at the cost of your well-being, and that being firm is sometimes necessary to protect yourself from exploitation. Again, this is a good thing to say without much backing and though it sounds better than the other books because 'narcissism' can actually be recognised by definition. However, there is not much scientific backing other than 'this is what I think'. The pop-psychology and pop-sociology is strong here.

All in all, though it has better promise than the other books in the series so far, I don't think there is much else for it. It still has the same data problem, but it has a different problem too. This problem is that there is a lot of scientific research on narcissism - and yet, this book uses absolutely none of it, often getting narcissism and psychopathy the wrong way around purposefully in order to plug another book in the series: Surrounded by Psychopaths.