Book Review: "All Down Darkness Wide" by Seán Hewitt

It's late May, Bob Dylan's birthday has come and gone and I'm not going to lie - I had this book on my phone for literally ages. So long that I forgot about it and then, discovering it some time later, I was quite happy about getting a present from my past self. I can't believe I didn't read this when I had actually bought and downloaded it, that doesn't sound like me at all but here we are. A fantastic, atmospheric and brilliantly explorative set of truths upon the homosexual experience in moments of strife. This book is a lovely meditation on real life. Unflinching in its truth, beautiful in its prose, the author has done something wild here.

There's not a lot of things harsher for the environment of a gay man than growing up in Catholic Liverpool, but that's just what our protagonist did. His early experiences are marked by a sense of otherness and the internal conflict between his identity and the teachings of his faith. He has a definite crisis of identity in which he must try his best to be himself without shame. This is often marked by him coming down with flu-like symptoms, getting scared and having himself tested for AIDS. Honestly, this kind of behaviour is heartbreaking. Imagine being so ashamed of who you love that when you do express yourself and you get the slightest bit sick, you run to the doctors in a panic. Christ, it was emotional.

The narrator has a relationship with a PhD student at Cambridge named Jack whom he was introduced to through a friend, from going out on the town on his own. There's something incredibly atmospheric about the way in which the night-life is described. He has this brilliant inhalation of the setting which makes it all seem so incredibly real. His relationship with Jack has incredible struggles, especially when it comes to Jack's own identity. This unfortunately leads to Jack's s**c**e and we get a deep introspection from the narrator, one that puts identity together with emotion. Honestly this is heartbreaking as it is beautifully written. It reminds me of the way in which Charles acted when Sebastian was revealed to be quite mentally unwell in Brideshead Revisited.

Our author then meets the beautiful Swedish student, Elias in South America. When travelling in Cambodia, his parents are initially worried but, as a character who now has nothing to lose, there is a certain way he behaves in that he's doing something instead of being unemployed. So now, we have a man who's failed in love, his identity is constantly being berated, he is unemployed despite having tons of opportunity and I cannot help but want to give him a huge hug. I know what it's like to disappoint absolutely everyone around you. It is just devastating and has such a negative impact on your mental health that you often question why you're alive.

After relocating to Sweden to be with Elias, the narrator realises that there is more to Elias than a wonderful fairytale romance and instead, he is now helping a partner who has clinical depression. The narrative delves into the intricacies of caregiving, the feelings of helplessness, and the strain mental illness places on love. He speaks of the blight of the caregiver and often retreats back into introspection, analysing the scenery, the atmosphere and picking apart himself as he goes along. He is more often than not, confronted by shame towards his sexuality and towards his actions.

However, the two connect over translating the works of the poet Karin Boye and it becomes a sort of couples therapy for them. There's a lot of references to literature in here and characters often feel connected by it. I love how literature is presented as this method of deep, interpersonal connections when the words we ourselves use to talk to each other, fail. This also goes for classical music - it allows for communication where communication does not seem possible.

All in all, I thought this book was a fantastic presentation of the sheer realities of not just the homosexual experience, but the experience of constantly feeling like you have failed absolutely everyone around you. It is a strong, atmospheric novel which contains some beautifully poetic language. If you have not read it then I definitely recommend that you do.