Bat Janet

She said her name was Janet which Bat Janet found offensive because Bat Janet thought Janet was the sort of Janet who gave all Janets a bad name (bad name) and lead to all those dumb Janet jokes and memes[1] that were clogging up the internet. Janet's crime against humanity was be in line for twelve minutes - it was at least twelve minutes; she was already in line when Bat Janet walked in the Starbucks - and then, when she finally got to the register, still not know what she wanted. Then after numerous questions, she finally decided on something - "a tall, non-fat latte with caramel drizzle, in a grande cup" - Callie the barista smiled at her and said, "oh, the usual, then?" The usual? You hemmed and hawed for five minutes just to order 'the usual', Janet? Bat Janet was not pleased. Bat Janet was sitting in judgement of Janet, and finding Janet guilty.

Janet paid with a credit card and got a receipt, then left the receipt at the condiment station, where Bat Janet swooped it up like the Bat Janet she was. Careless move, Janet...Tomlinson, is it? Yes, very careless move, indeed.

Bat Janet couldn't immediately do anything with the information because she had to respect the day job - that library wasn't going to run itself, those books weren't going to reshelve themselves. It wasn't until she got home that she could slip down into the Bat Janet Den and fire up the Bat Janet Computer and batjanet[2] Janet Tomlinson Tall Non-Fat Latte Caramel Drizzle and access the information she needed to advance her agenda. Ms. Tomlinson lived in the posh confines of Fountain Park, the finest gated community in all of Euless - quelle surprise! Bat Janet thought it was too early to pay Janet a visit, so she whiled away some time making a few adjustments to the Bat Janet Taser and then took a nap.

Around 11:45, the unmarked Bat Janet Volt emerged from Bramble Bush Two, a secret exit onto Bear Creek Parkway. At the stroke of midnight, a dark figure slipped into Janet Tomlinson's bedroom and flipped on the lights. Janet, alone in bed just as the Bat Janet Computer had predicted - 89.7% confidence based mostly on recent credit-card activity and Netflix selections - sprang up and said, "Who the fuck are you? Please don't hurt me! What do you want?"

"Well, gee," Bat Janet said, "Now that I'm here, it's so hard to decide."

"Take whatever you want! Take it all! Just please don't hurt me!"

"Oh, I couldn't possibly take it all! There's too much stuff! I'll have to pick and choose - but how does one do that when there's so much to choose from?" She picked up a bracelet and said, "Yes, this would go perfectly with that red dress I got from Talbot's."

"Take it! Take it! It was my grandmother's but take it!"

"Oh, pish. Sounds like the value is more sentimental than anything else." She dropped it back on the dresser. "Hey, how about this ring?"

"Fine, fine - take it and go!"

"Oh, it's inscribed from Tony. I have an ex named Tony and he's an ex for a reason. Don't need any reminders of him, thank you very much."

"I have $300 in my purse. Please just take it and leave me alone!"

"Or, I could take it and hassle you some more - so many options!" She opened the purse and found the money. "Oh, pooh - this is American currency. I was hoping for something more exotic, like euros or yen or maybe even bahts!"

"What the fuck kind of thief breaks into a house and then can't decide what to steal?"

"Annoying, isn't it? Kind of like standing behind someone at Starbucks who dithers and dithers and dithers, for five minutes, ten minutes, maybe even twenty minutes while the line grows longer behind her, and then just orders her usual!"

"God, yes!" Janet said. "I hate people like that!"

Bat Janet was gobsmacked. "Lady, you are people like that!"

"I never!"

"You do! You did! Today! Glade and 121!"

Janet thought for a moment and then burst into tears. "Oh God, you're right! I'm a terrible, terrible person!"

"No, hon, you're an average person, but you're also a Janet and Janets aren't allowed to be normal people. We're better than that."

"I'll do better - as God is my witness, I'll never hold up a Starbucks line again!"

"I know you won't, dear. Because if you do, Bat Janet will come down on you like a ton of bricks."

"Or - maybe - I could change my name. To something more mundane, like Mary, or Susan."

For the second time that evening, Bat Janet was gobsmacked. "Uh, yeah, I guess that would work, too."

1. "It costs nothing to be kind." "Some days it costs me my fucking sanity, Janet!"

2. She had her own search engine.