6 of the Best Shaggy Dog Stories

A shaggy dog story is a kind of joke, but one that's on the listener. They're meandering stories with purposefully anti-climatic endings. The name comes from a story about a man with a dog, and everyone comments on how shaggy this dog is. One day he enters the dog in a "shaggiest dog competition." He does a lot of training for the competition. On the big day, a judge takes one look at his dog and says "That dog isn't that shaggy."

1. Big and Blue

A nurse comes up to a doctor and tells him, “This next patient is… different. He’s got a head like a giant blueberry!” The doctor figures the nurse is just using a bit of hyperbole. But when he goes in to see the patient, the doctor is shocked to see a man with a blue head as big as a beach ball.

Without examining him at all, the doctor declares “This is out of my domain. I’m referring you to an ear, head & neck specialist.”

So the man goes to the ear, head & neck specialist. There the receptionist sees him and immediately goes to tell the specialist “I think you should see this next patient right away doctor, his head looks like a big old blue balloon.” The specialist squints the receptionist, thinking that can’t be right. The specialist goes ahead, takes a look into the lobby and is shocked by how big and how blue the man’s head is. Terrified, the specialist calls the Center for Disease Control.

The CDC sends in a tactical team in hazmat suits that swarm around the blue headed man and take him off to quarantine. With no one sure what to do with him, eventually the head of the CDC comes in personally to see the man. And it is the director of the CDC who finally asks the man “Can you tell us what happened?”

“I was exploring a cave and I found an old lamp. A genie came out and offered to give me three wishes. For my first wish I asked to be fabulously rich. The genie gave me lottery numbers to play. I won $110 million dollars.”

“Really? What was your second wish?”

“I wished to meet a woman who was beautiful, kind and sexually adventurous who would love me. The genie told me to go to a coffee shop. The barristia left with me and we’ve been together since then.”

“Well, you must tell me what the third wish was. I have a feeling it was important.”

“Yes,” says the man whose head was as big as it was blue. “When I made my third wish, that is where, I think, I screwed up. After a great deal of thought, I told the genie that I’d always wanted a big blue head.”

2. Sugar and Spice

There were two horses that lived on a farm together, Sugar and Spice. From a very young age the two horses loved to race each other. Their races were very close but Sugar would always beat Spice. Spice would practice running and push herself to do better, but Sugar just always seemed to win.

They raced all the time because Spice would frequently challenge Sugar, thinking that she would eventually win (she didn’t). The farmer noticed how much the two horses ran and wondered if they could be professional racehorses. When two horses first showed up on the race circuit, they were treated like a joke--they weren’t bred to be racehorses and the farmer didn’t know anything about racing. People weren’t laughing long though, Sugar and Spice immediately started winning races. That is, Sugar won races, Spice was always just behind her.

The two quickly rose through the ranks and got professional jockeys and trainers. Spice took advantage of the opportunities laid before her and trained as hard as she could. Spice could win races against other horses, but if she was running against Sugar she always lost.

Eventually the two of them earned spots in the Kentucky Derby. “This is it.” thought Spice “All of my life has been leading to this moment. Now before the world in the greatest race of all time I am going to beat Sugar.” Both horses ran harder and faster than they had ever run before. Onlookers swore sparks flew when their hooves hit the ground. The Kentucky Derby was won by… Sugar.

A while after that both horses were put out to pasture. Years into their retirement Spice challenged Sugar to a race for old times sake. The two old horses took off running like they were still in their prime. They thundered across the field, pounding the Earth in one moment and flying through the sky in the next. From the stable hands to the goats, everyone turned to see the two legends face off. And in that race, Sugar won.

3. The Boy Who Loved Trains

There was once a boy who loved trains. Lots of boys like trains, but this boy was truly passionate about trains. Everyday he would go down to his small town’s train station to see the one daily passenger train pull in. Everyday the conductor would blow the train’s whistle and wave when he saw the boy, and nothing in the world could have made the boy happier.

One day when the train pulled in, the conductor didn’t blow the train’s whistle or wave at the boy, he just silently drove past. The boy was so hurt he ran crying all the way home. When he got there he told his mom that he was never going to the train station again. His mom said he ought to go back at least once more since he had always loved seeing the trains so much.

The next day the boy reluctantly went back to the train station. The one daily passenger train pulled in at the same time it always did. When the conductor saw the boy he blew the train’s whistle and waved, and nothing in the world could have made the boy happier.

4. The French Note

Glen took a dream vacation to Paris. He saw the Eiffel Tower, toured the Louvre and took a boat ride down the Seine. He definitely wanted to have some haute French cuisine, so he picked out the nicest restaurant he could afford. He was waiting for his table at the bar when the beautiful bartender dropped a note in front of him. It was in French, which he couldn’t read. When he was seated, he asked his waiter if he could tell him what it said. The waiter said, “Yes, of course, let me see it.” Upon reading it, the waiter had Glen forcibly removed from the restaurant.

Now Glen was sitting on the curb outside the restaurant, trying to figure out what just happened. A police officer came by and asked what he was doing. Glen explained “Well, I came to take my dream vacation to Paris. I saw the Eiffel Tower, toured the Louvre and took a boat ride down the Seine. I definitely wanted to have some haute French cuisine, so I picked out the nicest restaurant I could afford. I was waiting for my table at the bar when a beautiful bartender dropped a note in front of me. It was in French, which I can’t read. When I was seated, I asked my waiter if he could tell me what it said. The waiter said of course, but upon reading it, the waiter had me forcibly removed from the restaurant.”

“Hhmmmm…” said the police officer “You better let me see this note.” So Glen gave note to the police officer. Upon reading the note the officer put Glen under arrest.

Glen was brought before a magistrate, where he protested “Your honor, I have done nothing wrong, I don’t know why I’m here. See I came to take my dream vacation to Paris. I saw the Eiffel Tower, toured the Louvre and took a boat ride down the Seine. I definitely wanted to have some haute French cuisine, so I picked out the nicest restaurant I could afford. I was waiting for my table at the bar when a beautiful bartender dropped a note in front of me. It was in French, which I can’t read. When I was seated, I asked my waiter if he could tell me what it said. The waiter said of course, but upon reading it, he had me forcibly removed from the restaurant. Then I was sitting on the curb outside the restaurant when a police officer came by, and after I let him see the note he put me under arrest.”

“Bring this note forward.” Ordered the judge. Glen gave the note to the judge. Upon reading the note the judge ordered Glen to be exiled from France.

Glen soon found himself on an airplane out of France back to America, which annoyed him as he still had several days left in his trip. A French businessman seated next Glen asked him, “So what’s your story?”

Glen took a deep breath and then said “It started when I came to take my dream vacation to Paris. I saw the Eiffel Tower, toured the Louvre and took a boat ride down the Seine. I definitely wanted to have some haute French cuisine, so I picked out the nicest restaurant I could afford. I was waiting for my table at the bar when a beautiful bartender dropped a note in front of me. It was in French, which I can’t read. When I was seated, I asked my waiter if he could tell me what it said. The waiter said of course, but upon reading it, the waiter had me forcibly removed from the restaurant. Then I was sitting on the curb outside the restaurant when a police officer came by, and after I let him see the note he put me under arrest. I was subsequently brought before a judge, and when he saw the note, he ordered me to be exiled from France. And I still don’t even know what it says.”

“That’s quite a tale.” Remarked the businessman. “Do you still have this note?” Glen did and he gave it to the businessman. Except, instead of telling Glen what it said, he paged a flight attendant over. The flight attendant read the note and then went to talk to the pilot. Upon reading the note, the pilot personally threw Glen out of the plane.

Now the pilot wasn’t completely heartless, he did give Glen a parachute first. Glen didn’t see that it mattered too much one way or the other, as they were over the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. However, as it happened, a ship was passing by and Glen was able to land right on it. Naturally Glen was brought before the captain, who wanted to know how Glen came to be on his ship. Glen explained “My story starts with what I thought would be my dream vacation to Paris. I saw the Eiffel Tower, toured the Louvre and took a boat ride down the Seine. I definitely wanted to have some haute French cuisine, so I picked out the nicest restaurant I could afford. I was waiting for my table at the bar when a beautiful bartender dropped a note in front of me. It was in French, which I can’t read. When I was seated, I asked my waiter if he could tell me what it said. The waiter said of course, but upon reading it, the waiter had me forcibly removed from the restaurant. Then I was sitting on the curb outside the restaurant when a police officer came by, and after I let him see the note he put me under arrest. I was subsequently brought before a judge, and when he saw the note, he ordered me to be exiled from France. And I still couldn’t believe it when the pilot of my plane found out what the note said he had me thrown out of the plane.”

“Wow. That must be some note.” exclaimed the captain. “You must let me read it, I speak French.”

“No,” replied Glen “I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to show it to anyone else.” Everyone was disappointed, but Glen was firm that no one would get to see this note. They found a bunk for Glen to stay in for the week-long trip to America. It was a cargo ship, and everyone else was working, so Glen thought that he ought to work as well even though no one asked him to. He helped prep food, serve and clean up in the mess hall. Everyone agreed that they were better off having Glen make the coffee. He was even offered a permanent position upon the ship.

Of course people kept pestering Glen to see this famous note, but he kept it a secret. Towards the end of the journey, as he felt that he had gotten to know everyone and bonded with them, he decided that it would be ok to show the captain the note.

Glen was immediately thrown overboard.

He was close enough at this point that he could swim ashore to his home state of New Jersey. After getting home and cleaning himself up, Glen called his girlfriend.

“Glen!” She cried “You weren’t on your return flight, I made so many phone calls, I had no idea what had happened, I thought you were dead!”

Glen took a deep breath and began explaining. “As you know I went off on what I thought would be my dream vacation to Paris. I saw the Eiffel Tower, toured the Louvre and took a boat ride down the Seine. I definitely wanted to have some haute French cuisine, so I picked out the nicest restaurant I could afford. I was waiting for my table at the bar when a rather unattractive bartender dropped a note in front of me. It was in French, which I can’t read. When I was seated, I asked my waiter if he could tell me what it said. The waiter said of course, but upon reading it, the waiter had me forcibly removed from the restaurant. Then I was sitting on the curb outside the restaurant when a police officer came by, and after I let him see the note he put me under arrest. I was subsequently brought before a judge, and when he saw the note, he ordered me to be exiled from France. And I still couldn’t believe it when the pilot of my plane found out what the note said he had me thrown out of the plane. I wouldn’t have survived except I had the luck to land on a passing ship. I didn’t want to show them the note, you understand, but for a week they badgered me to see it, and I still had no idea what it said, so I eventually let them see it. Inevitably once they saw it they threw me overboard. I still have the damn note--the paper is very good quality--and the mystery is killing me.”

Glen’s girlfriend had some doubts about this story, but instead of directly calling Glen out about it, she offered “My uncle speaks French, we could ask him what it says.”

So the two of them met and headed over to the uncle’s house. Glen told his story to the uncle--which we will omit here in the interest of time--and checked that there were no firearms in the house before handing over the note.

The uncle said, “I can translate this for you, just let me get my reading glasses.” The uncle put the note down on the coffee table and went to get his glasses. Just then a gust of wind came through and blew the note out the window, and it was never to be seen again.

5. The Long Walk

Finn had no memory of how long she had been walking along the disused railway track. Yet, she was sure that if she had a beard it would've grown down to her knees by now. Swathes of ragweed had become a familiar sight, along with heaps of rust, brick dust, broken concrete and twisted girders. She walked over the top of yet another long narrow viaduct, and some time later – much later in fact – she came to the mouth of a tunnel. The mouth was a void – no light could be seen at the other end. But she had got this far, so she carried on.

She felt her way through the darkness – there was no way of telling for how long. No sounds could be heard other than the sound of her breathing and her footsteps. And the air was soured with the smell of soot and dampness. When she finally came out into the light, she saw she was in a different country. The land stretched out in a vast empty plain before her, and the disused rail track, which now was as straight as an arrow, ran endlessly into the distant horizon. She kept going. At least my feet haven't got any bigger from all this walking, she thought to herself after many miles. It was the first thought she had thought for a very long time.

Eventually she came to a small station. Like all stations along the line, its waiting room windows were thoroughly broken and its platforms appeared long deserted. But then she noticed on Platform 2 a smart red and white striped kiosk. Above the kiosk a sign said 'Hot Dogs'. Another sign said 'Open for Business'.

Finn walked up to the kiosk and said to the man behind the counter "Good day, sir, how is business today?" She was surprised how perfectly formed her words were – she couldn't remember the last time she had spoken and had forgotten the sound of her own voice. The man said nothing.

"I would like to purchase precisely one of your fine hot dogs, good sir," she said.

"With or without a bun?" muttered the vendor.

Not wanting to sound extravagant, Finn asked for without. The man prepared a hot dog for Finn and wrapped it carefully in a paper towel.

"That'll be one shilling exactly, miss," he declared.

Finn checked her pockets and realized she was wearing her other trousers. "I am afraid, I have left my money at home, sir," she said. "If it is no trouble, I can go back and get some."

"No, it's all right, miss," the man said without any hint of scorn, "have this one on the house."

"That's very kind of you, sir," said Finn. "But I will not be able to have it after all – I've just remembered my physician has placed me on a restricted diet and hot dogs are on the list of things I'm not supposed to eat."

(source)

6. The Sound Behind the Door

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.

He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks replied, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and gold.

Finally, they come to a door made of diamonds. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound…

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

(source)

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