Why I Masturbate

Masturbation. Self-pleasure. Flicking the bean. There are many different names used to describe it, especially when a woman engages in it. For me, it’s called self-love and self-care. Female masturbation has always had a negative spin put on it, with people calling it immoral and wrong, dirty and a sin. It is still seen as a taboo for many people, even in this modern age where we would like to think we are more… enlightened. While many see masturbation as being an act performed purely for pleasure and orgasm, I associate it with something much bigger.

I have struggled with my mental health since I was a child, and I learned that traditional methods to help — well they did not always work or help. As I aged, I became more prone to holding everything in. Projecting a smile without any worries out to the world; while desperately trying to duct tape all the broken pieces back together on the inside. I ended up finding myself so closed up that even when I tried to cry and release some of the emotions I had been holding in, I couldn’t. I could feel the pressure building inside of me, but no matter what I did, I could not get myself to drop the wall I had built up long enough to get any relief.

I decided to masturbate to try to at least get some pleasure and release in some way that I could control. I remember the intense pleasure building up, and up, and then finally that orgasmic release washing over me. After a few moments basking in that small relief, I sat up and then something happened that I never expected — I broke down in tears. I completely broke down, ugly crying for no reason in that moment that I could pin point. Yet, I could not stop crying. It lasted for a good hour before I had no tears left and I felt utterly exhausted, but also, for the first time in months, I felt calm. I did not feel tense or like I was barely holding on. I honestly felt at ease.

I began to experiment over the next several months, when I would feel overwhelmed but unable to release my emotions, I would masturbate. Then I would immediately break down in tears afterwards and finally get the true release I needed. I realized that when I would masturbate and bring myself to an orgasm, it would create a moment of release from tension and thought. Just long enough for the wave of emotions being held behind the wall I built up to burst through. Once that dam cracked opened, the whole thing crumbled down, and I would finally be able to allow myself a moment of vulnerability to free all the frustrations, struggles, pain, anger, sadness… everything that I had been holding in.

Self-love and self-care are not easy for me to make a priority. I learned to hold in everything, put on my “brave face” and act like I’m fine, even if I’m not. I learned not to speak up about what my troubles or struggles were because people always seemed… uneasy if I was honest — or they would try to use my vulnerability to their advantage. I learned to close myself off to everyone, even those I trusted, because it was MY job to be strong as the “wife and mother”. I needed to take care of everyone. I NEEDED to be the mender. I HAD to be strong for my husband after rough days at work, for my child after rough days at school, for my friends and family after struggles and trials. I was always focusing on taking care of everyone else in my life, that I forgot to take care of myself.

After years of this neglect, it’s not surprise that I ended up so close to the edge so many times. But again, self-love and self-care were never items that I was taught to make a priority. That would be “selfish”. While masturbation does not solve the issues or struggles, it has given me the chance to be vulnerable by myself, with myself. Those moments of total release, total surrender to my emotions help give me the reset that I need to gain a new perspective and see things from different angles. This allows me to better analyze the situation and determine steps to remedy it as a whole, rather than continuing to ignore whatever it may be.

Masturbation helps improve my mental health, and provides me with the release that I need when things get too heavy and I feel like I’m close to giving up. Masturbation helps me release the pain and negativity that I hold in for too long. Masturbation helps me to be vulnerable, release, and reset so that I can refocus and gain new perspectives to help solve whatever problem(s) I’m dealing with. While masturbation is seen as something done for pleasure and some see it as evil or immoral, for me, it’s a way to care for myself and my mental health. It allows me to let go of my need to keep control long enough to release emotions and be free. For me, it’s a healthy way to provide self-care and self-love; two important factors that are so easy to toss aside these days.

Originally published on Medium.com - https://medium.com/@lunaverity80/why-i-masturbate-when-im-overwhelmed-with-everything-b86dc21d2220 © 2024 Luna Verity