As the Year Concludes

I was hopeful at 2023 closed out that 2024 would be a better year - basically, this was the same thing I had been saying at the end of each year since 2015. Yet, each year would be an even bigger struggle than the one before. I still had hope. December 31st would arrive, and I would be hopeful that things would change in the new year. It never did. It just got worse, and hope became harder to have. I would like to say that I see 2025 to be a better year, and a year that things finally go right. Unfortunately, 2024 took the one thing that all the other shitty years before it failed to take from me - hope.

I barely had any hope left at the end of 2023 to begin 2024 with, but it was still there. Now, just a couple of weeks away from 2025, I find myself lacking any hope for 2025. Several years ago, I began the journey to break free from generational curses, and the beliefs that were instilled in me since childhood. One of the hardest ones I've had to overcome is that "family is family no matter what". This was always the statement I was told as a child when someone in my family would hurt me or another family member purposefully. It was always the "they're still family" mindset that allowed abuse and mistreatment to be accepted in my family, with no accountability.

I moved three thousand miles away from my family ten years ago to finally escape the toxicity of that mentality. To be free from the family that I was forced to be around despite the harm they caused me through my life. This year started by pushing me right back into that area when my father almost lost his life due to my sister's negligence. He was living with her since he suffered a stroke in 2023. In the six months that he lived with her, she managed to drain his savings of $30,000.00 down to zero, he weighed barely 90 lbs., and he could not support himself to walk. The first part of 2024, I received a text from my sister saying he was in the hospital with pneumonia.

I immediately called the hospital to check on him, but I did not expect the response I received from them. They told me how glad they were to finally have someone to talk to about him, because he had been dropped off there and they could not reach the person named on the intake form at the number she gave. It seemed that my sister gave a fake name to the hospital when she dropped him off there for care, and the hospital had already called the Adult Protective Services office to look into possible elderly abuse concerning my father based on the condition he came in under. My father in tears, admitting in front of his sister and the APS investigator everything my sister, her husband, and kids had done to him over the last six months. My Aunt would not tell me the details disclosed because she did not want to risk "harming my relationship with my sister more" if I knew the "ugly truth".

Despite everything that she had heard, she was still stuck in that mindset of "she's still your sister". I have not spoken to my sister since that day, no matter how much others in my family, including my father, have tried to nudge me to. Also, that was not the only horrible thing my sister did this year. She also had a fake license that she used multiple times when she was pulled over (since her own license was suspended), and I found myself receiving an unexpected letter from the DMV here in my state. It stated that a warrant was out for my arrest and my license in this state was suspended due to "outstanding warrants" in my former state of residence. It was a lot of fun trying to get that cleared up (and it still is on my driving record, which I'm still fighting to get removed fully).

The kicker to that little incident is this - I actually apologized to MY SISTER for her ending up in jail when I contacted the state to get to the bottom of why there was a warrant and suspension on my license. This happened just weeks before my father ended up in the hospital. My sister had guilt tripped me over how all I needed to do was "pay the fine" (her fine, that is), but instead I made a fuss and now she was in more trouble. I apologized to her, telling her that IF she had told me about the tickets she got (while using my name), I would have helped clear them. However, when she almost killed my father by starving him to death and stealing all his money, that was the line for me. I decided she was another family member that I was not required to accept or interact with ever again.

As 2024 continued, I decided to do something brave, something for me to continue on with the "doing what's best for MY mental health" kick. I quit the job that I hated, where my boss was racist, transphobic and basically threatened to fire any of us on the team if we dare mention "pronouns" that we identify with. I was so confident that this was the right choice to make and the Universe would put other opportunities in my path. Here I am, seven months later, facing eviction because no new opportunities have opened up. After being so hopeful and taking that HUGE risk for my mental health, it has been a huge defeat not having any new opportunities in over six months. But, still I kept a sliver of hope.

Then, the last couple of months happened. We lost our health insurance. My husband's income was cut by almost $1000.00 per month. Oh but still I had hope! We were going to finally have a woman elected President! The excitement was there, the feeling of fresh air and change! Then election day came and as results were coming in, what began as hope and excitement, quickly turned to anger, disbelief and heartbreak. America had elected a convicted felon (to put it very lightly) to be President because electing a woman just was not a reasonable choice. I watched as hatred and fear filled the air, and in that moment, I lost the last sliver of hope I had.

2024 has been a year of struggle, defeat, breaking, and sadness. And it left me with no hope for 2025, as we sit here just a couple of weeks short from the new year. I have no hope left for 2025, but, I am still here. I am still breathing. I am still fighting. And, even though I have no hope in this moment, I know that it will return, because that is what hope does. That's why it exists. We can lose it for a while, but it does return, and I hold onto that knowledge to help guide me into 2025. Plus, 2024 has already broken me completely between the betrayal of family, nearly losing my father, lack of career comeback, loss of income, loss of health, loss of home looming on the horizon and four years of Trump... it really won't take much for 2025 to be an improvement honestly. I guess that's the biggest lesson I've learned from 2024 - things will get better eventually. I hope, right? Maybe in 2029.