When One Door Closes

“Shannon, say something,” Derek prompted.

He was only standing a few feet away but his voice seemed so distant. The living room seemed to be tilting, she was going to fall. She grabbed the back of the armchair to steady herself. There was popcorn and an overturned bowl on the green rug. Had she dropped it? She’d need to clean it up before they left. And they’d need the bag. A course of action was formulating and bringing her back down to earth.

She looked into Derek’s eyes and nodded.

“Are you sure?” he asked gently. But hopefully too. She heard in his voice the way she felt it in her chest.

She nodded again.

Derek lifted the phone back to his face. “We’ll leave right away. Which hospital? Clermont Memorial. Got it. We’ll be there within the hour. Thank you!” He hung up and for a moment they just stared at one another. Then he asked, “Do you want me to go get the bag?” Just as before, his tone was delicate.

“No, I can do it,” Shannon said.

He strode toward her and enveloped her in his arms. “It’ll be different this time,” he whispered in her ear. Then he stepped back and lifted his hands to her cheeks. “I’ll get the car ready.” Leaning forward again he kissed her forehead and then dashed away.

As the jangle of car keys faded, Shannon knelt to clean up the mess on the floor.

It’ll be different this time.

Please, she prayed, let it be different.

After throwing away the popcorn and setting the bowl on the kitchen counter, she took a deep breath and marched down the hall. She came to a halt in front of the final door on the right. Opening it was never easy. Because she knew every time she went inside the grief would swallow her up all over again. It had been wretched enough after Liam was gone, but then after the baby girl’s mother had a change of heart it only got worse.

The bag was in the closet. As long as she kept her eyes on the floor and went quickly she’d be alright.

No more hesitation. She grabbed the knob and twisted. It only took a few steps and yanking another door open and the bag was in her hands. As hastily as she had entered she departed. Once she was back in the hallway and the door was closed behind her she let out a sigh.

“Shannon! We need to get going!” Derek shouted from the garage.

“Coming!” she called out. Clutching the quilted diaper bag to her chest she hurried to the car.

The first fifteen minutes of the drive were spent in silence. Shannon didn’t dare to speak because she feared it might all be a dream, one that words could somehow shatter. And yet if it was a dream she wanted to wake up before the nightmare part began. She’d awakened from such dreams on too many occasions to count and had soaked her pillowcase with tears each time. She imagined it was the same for Derek. She hadn’t seen him cry in three years. Not since Liam. But she knew he mourned the little one they had hoped would be their daughter just as she did.

Suddenly Derek took his right hand off the wheel and scooped up hers that was resting in her lap. “I can’t believe this is happening,” he said softly as he squeezed her fingers. “Just when we were about to –”

“Give up,” Shannon finished for him.

“I was going to say take ourselves off the list.”

“Same thing.”

“I suppose so,” he admitted.

“If something goes... wrong. Again. We’ll have to take our names off. I know I won’t be able to handle it,” Shannon said, her voice strained by the threat of the sobs she was holding at bay.

“I know,” Derek said understandingly.

He guided the car into the hospital parking lot and cut the ignition. “We can still change our minds.”

“And she can still change hers,” Shannon declared.

“Sweetheart –”

“She can. And if she does I’ll do my best not to blame her. I’m finally not angry and I don’t want to be angry again. But pretending there’s no way it can happen again won’t help anything.”

Derek sighed. “You’re right.”

“Even though it broke my heart and it’ll break my heart again, I understand it,” Shannon said. “When I heard Liam cry for the first time and clutched him to my chest the whole world changed. It did for you too, didn’t it? When you first held him in your arms.”

She could see Derek’s eyes were growing misty as he asked “What should we do? They’re expecting us. If we don’t want to risk it, I have to tell them.”

Shannon smiled weakly. “We’re here. Let’s give it one final go.”

Derek nodded and wiped at his eyes. “Okay, let’s do this.”

They made their way to the maternity ward and found a woman in a pantsuit waiting beside the reception desk. “You must be the Pattersons. I’m Lisa, Ms. Fields’s adoption counselor.”

“Yes,” Derek said as he shook Lisa’s hand. “I’m Derek and this is my wife, Shannon.”

Shannon shook the counselor’s hand too, while trying to keep her nervous energy from rattling down her arm.

“I’m sure you’ve had quite the shock to the system today,” Lisa said with a smile.

“Just a bit,” Derek replied as Shannon nodded.

“Well, I just have a bit of paperwork for you all to look over,” Lisa said as she reached into her bag and pulled out a file and a clipboard. “Looks like your last home visit was conducted about four months ago. Have there been any major changes since then?”

“No,” Derek said.

“Good,” she handed him the clipboard. “Take some time to fill these out and then I’ll take you into see Ms. Fields and the baby.”

“She wants to meet us?” Shannon asked.

“Yes, dear,” Lisa replied.

Shannon instantly became nervous. What if the mother found her and Derek disappointing in some way? An after delivery match was rare. Maybe the poor girl just picked them without thinking and had now come to her senses.

“Did she say why she picked us?” Shannon asked. “We’re beyond thrilled, but just so surprised.”

“I’ll let you ask her when you speak with her,” Lisa said. “Go ahead and have a seat in the reception area while you do the paperwork and I’ll retrieve you shortly.”

While Derek sifted through the forms, Shannon stared at the generic landscape painting on the opposite wall. After she’d scrutinized it enough she started counting the ceiling tiles, anything to try and focus her thoughts and calm her nerves. Suddenly she felt a jab in her side. Derek had elbowed her. “What?” she asked.

“You’re tapping your foot and it’s starting to drive me crazy,” he chuckled.

“Sorry!”

“And it’s your turn to sign,” he said as he handed her the clipboard.

“Anything I need to read?” she asked.

He shook his head. “It’s all the same as last time.”

A few minutes after Shannon finished scrawling her signatures next to Derek’s, Lisa reappeared and beckoned them to follow her.

“You’ll be happy to know the baby is perfectly healthy,” Lisa said. “Ms. Fields was adamant that the doctors had to be sure before we called you.” She came to a stop outside a closed door. “And here we are. Are you both ready?”

Shannon grabbed Derek’s hand. They looked at each other and nodded. “Yes, we’re ready,” Shannon said.

Lisa swung the door open.

A young woman, still a girl really, with short dark hair and green eyes peered expectantly at them. A baby in a blue blanket slept peacefully in her arms. The girl smiled a bit but her expression was a weary one. A memory stirred in Shannon’s mind, she couldn’t place it but she had the feeling she’d met this woman before.

“Derek and Shannon, this is Courtney Fields,” Lisa said.

Derek greeted Courtney, but Shannon remained quiet as she studied the girl's features.

Courtney gazed back at Shannon, “So, you do remember me?”

Shannon noticed Derek's head swivel toward her with look of confusion on his face.

“I – I think so,” Shannon managed. “But I can’t quite recall where I’ve met you…”

Courtney laughed, “That’s okay, it was a pretty brief encounter. I used to work at the secondhand shop on Franklin Street.”

A light bulb went off in Shannon’s head. “You’re the girl that helped me pick out all the baby clothes. When we were going to adopt the girl!”

“That’s right,” Courtney said. “You told me about losing your son. How he died from a genetic condition. And that you and your husband were planning to adopt.”

“Yes, that’s right,” Shannon said. “But I don’t understand. How could you have remembered that and picked us to adopt your baby?”

“You might not have noticed,” Courtney began, “but I was there the day you brought all those baby clothes back to the store. It was months later, but not enough time for a baby to outgrow them. I’d never seen anyone look so heartbroken. And I could tell you were holding back tears when you dropped all those little pink outfits in the donation bin.”

Shannon remembered the pain of that day all too vividly. She’d completely broken down in the car afterwards. It had been the finality of it. The baby girl that had entered into their hearts was never going to come into their home.

Courtney continued, “By that time I knew I was pregnant and planning to place my baby in adoptive care. I thought about chasing after you and telling you the idea that entered into my head that day.”

“Why didn’t you?” Shannon asked curiously.

“I wasn’t very far along and I knew that something could go wrong,” Courtney said. “I didn’t want to get your hopes up just for you to mourn another child.”

Shannon was speechless. All she could do was stare and marvel at the young woman before her. How incredible was it that in a moment when she'd wanted nothing more than to completely disappear from the world, she'd been seen so clearly by the exact type of person she had prayed to encounter for years.

“But how did you find us?” Derek asked.

“I knew what Shannon looked like, that you guys lived nearby, and I knew the adoption of the baby girl had fallen through. So it was actually pretty easy for Lisa to help me find your profile.”

“And you’re sure you want to give up your baby?” Shannon asked hesitantly.

Courtney nodded. Then she looked down at the baby boy nestled in her arms. “I want to be a mom someday, but I’m not in a good place to be one right now. I’m only nineteen. I’ve got no support. And I’m not ashamed to admit I can’t do this on my own.”

“What about the father?” asked Derek.

Courtney’s eyes went steely. “He doesn’t get a say because he never gave me one,” she said coldly. “The only father this baby will ever know will be the one who adopts him.” She looked at Derek, her gaze softening. “You.”

Then she looked at Shannon. “Maybe someday he can get to know me. But until then will you be his mom?”

Tears streamed down Shannon’s cheeks, “Yes, I’d be honored.”

Courtney smiled. She looked back at her baby again and kissed the top of his head. “Goodbye, my angel. It’s time for you to go home.”

***

Shannon watched as Derek carefully scooped the sleeping baby out of his car seat.

“I’d forgotten how small they are,” he said in wonder.

Shannon smiled. “You’re a natural.”

“Here. You hold him and I’ll carry the bag.” he deposited the bundle of fabric with the red face and tufts of dark poking out into her arms.

Derek led the way into the house and down the hallway. This time there was no apprehension as Shannon stood outside the nursery door. She would always have pieces of her heart that ached for Liam and the daughter she’d anticipated bringing home, but right now the parts of her heart that swelled with joy at bringing this baby boy home eclipsed all the others.

After Derek opened the door he flipped the light on. Shannon walked in slowly, taking in the star mobile above the crib, the white rocking chair, and the blue hand-prints and foot-prints framed above the small dresser.

They’d only had a few precious weeks at home with Liam before the breathing issues started. The doctors had given them the grim news that he had Type 1 Spinal Muscular Atrophy. And the rest of his short months had been spent in a hospital. After that, the room became a reminder of grief until hope returned as they prepared it for inspection by the adoption agency. Then the failed match had made it a source of gloom once again. But standing there with Derek at her side and their son in her arms, hope was launching a conquest once more.

“We’ll have to think of a name,” Derek said as he put his hand on Shannon’s shoulder and stared down at the baby. “How about Garret or Tyson?”

Sharon wrinkled her nose. “Not a chance.”

Derek laughed. “I guess we have a little time to figure it out.”

“We can’t take too long! What are we going to call him? ‘The baby’?” Shannon joked.

“Our baby,” Derek declared.

As if on cue, the bundle started wriggling and his little eyelids fluttered open.

“Our baby,” she echoed as she lowered herself into the rocking chair.

As she stared into the tiny eyes, Shannon could feel her world changing all over again. Life would never be the same. Some doors had been slammed shut, but through Courtney a window had been thrown wide open. And Shannon planned to bask in the sunlight pouring in.