The Toy Owl

Jessie couldn’t sleep. Again. The hot summer night felt like a blanket suffocating her. She knew she needed to relax enough so she could fall asleep.

How many nights had it been, she thought?

“At least 12,” a voice in her head said.

Jessie sighed. Her eyes were burning because she was so tired. She took a deep breath and sat up. Her white comforter was on the right side of the bed, flung carelessly off of her. She considered taking off her nightgown to help her cool down but she knew it wasn’t the heat keeping her up. She usually enjoyed the hot summer nights. But of course, that was when he was here.

A pain in her chest swelled and tears stung her eyes. The pain was like a jolt of lightning. Her eyes went to the crib in the corner of her bedroom and another jolt of lightning ripped through her. She let the tears fall. There was no fighting it. She laid back down, curled herself into a ball, and cried. She didn’t think. Didn’t judge. Didn’t scream. Didn’t ask why. She let herself feel the immense loss in the depths of her soul. She cried until she couldn’t breathe.

She sat up again, gasping for air, and reached for a tissue on the nightstand. She blew her nose and wiped her face although the tears were still spilling out of her eyes and down her cheeks. She looked at the picture on her nightstand. A picture of a happy family. A family that didn’t exist anymore. As she stared at the picture, she couldn’t help but smile through the tears. She remembered when that picture was taken that beautiful, perfect, Spring Day.

Even with the deep pain, Jessie felt a love like no other. She had never been more in love than she was in that picture. Her beautiful husband’s eyes shone with so much love in them as they both were gazing down at their magnificent son. They were so in love with each other and even more in love with their son. He had a huge grin on his face clutching his stuffed barn owl toy. His favorite toy. The one he couldn’t go anywhere without. The one he had to have clasped in his little arms before he could fall asleep.

Jessie felt the love, joy, and pain of their loss all at once. As she stared at the picture, a thought struck her. Where is that stuffed owl? She jumped out of bed and ran to the crib. It wasn’t there. Panic struck her. No, no, no! I have to find the owl, she said to herself.

Adrenaline coursed through her tired body and she had to find the owl. Where could it be, she thought? Think Jessie, think! She ran downstairs and frantically began throwing cushions and blankets off the couches, rummaging through the toy chest, and scouring the kitchen.

“Where are you?” she screamed!

Then, she remembered the car. His car seat was in her car. Her boys had gotten out and were walking across the street when…. NO! She stopped herself about to drop to her knees. She clutched the kitchen counter with both hands, steadying herself.

She’d been in such a daze since that day. People had been in and out of her house with their condolences and food train. She doesn’t even remember the car ride home. When she came home alone for the first time.

My car keys. Where are they? She found her purse hanging up in its usual spot. She shoved her hand into it and, Bingo! Her keys! Yes! She flung the side door open into the garage and pushed the unlock button on her car fob. Jessie went to the backseat door and stopped. She hasn’t been in this car since it happened.

You can do this, Jessie told herself. She took a deep breath and another one, then another. She stood there, taking deep breaths until she felt like she could handle it.

“Just do it,” a voice inside her head said. Rip the band-aid off. She quickly opened the door and shut her eyes. You can do this, she thought again. Ok, one more deep breath and she flung her eyes open. There was her son’s car seat and the owl sitting upright, perfectly situated in the car seat. How odd, she thought. It was sitting there as if waiting for her to find. She snatched that stuffed toy and hugged it hard. She laughed and cried at the same time feeling the profound love for her young son and the deep loss simultaneously.

A wave of exhaustion hit her and she coughed as the stagnant hot air in the garage felt stuck in her throat. All she wanted to do now was go back upstairs and fall into a blissful sleep.

She heard a voice whisper “go outside”. Jessie, confused, thought she must be delirious because she was so tired. The guttural crying and being in her pain took her to a new level of exhaustion.

“I just want to go to bed,” she said out loud.

“Go outside” she heard again, only a little louder.

Bewildered, Jessie, opened the door to the backyard. She was so thankful to live on a property that bumped up to the forest. She loved the trees. She walked out into her backyard and heard a sound. She looked up and saw her bedroom window open. Huh, I don’t remember opening that, she thought. She heard a flutter towards the tree line and walked over.

As she neared the tree line, she heard more fluttering. As she approached, she was scanning the trees.

What’s out here, she wondered. She wasn’t scared. There was no fear, only curiosity to the voice that led her here and the fluttering she could hear. Just then, she heard a high-pitched hiss and a scurry of feathers. She looked up and couldn’t believe her eyes.

I must be dreaming, she thought.

You’re not dreaming, Jessie, the voice said.

Tears ran down her face yet again as two barn owls identical to the stuffed toy she held tightly in her arms ascended down and perched themselves on her fence.

Jessie was completely bewildered and in awe. She stood there for what felt like an eternity staring at them. She was afraid to blink. Am I really seeing this, she thought?

The owl on the right let out a soft “hoo” as if to say “yes” in answer to her question. She looked down at the stuffed toy her son always held that she was now holding onto for dear life and looked back up at the two owls perched on the fence staring at her. Jessie wasn’t a religious person. She considered herself spiritual but never paid too close attention to spirituality. She never questioned all the synchronicities and serendipitous events that have happened in her life. Right now, though, at this moment, she felt a deep connection to something bigger than herself, these owls, and an inner knowingness she couldn’t deny. There is more than this life. This wasn’t just a sign or a serendipitous event. This was something else. Something to shake her out of the deep despair.

She smiled at the owls and said “hello.”

Again, the owl on the right let out a little “hoo” as if to say hello back.

Jessie felt a little silly but also like she needed to have this conversation. She held up the stuffed toy and smiled again. She looked at it and back at the owls.

“This was my son’s,” she said. “He died a couple weeks ago.”

“Hoo,” the other owl responded this time.

“My husband also died,” she choked on the words as she said them and a tear ran down her cheek.

“Hoo,” the first owl sounded again.

She stared at the owls again. She stood mesmerized by their beauty. Their faces had an outline of a heart. That’s peculiar she, thought. She looked down at her son’s toy and sure enough, its face had the shape of a heart. Huh, she mused. How have I never noticed that before, she wondered?

She gazed at them with more curiosity. Their white heart-shaped faces and large dark eyes. They were both still staring at her when she asked out of nowhere, “Do you have a message for me?”

She wasn’t sure where that came from but she had nothing to lose. So, what if I’m a sleep-deprived, grieving widow & mother talking to owls in the middle of the night? Ha! She laughed at herself. This world didn’t make sense anymore.

“Yes”, she heard after several moments.

She spun around. “Who said that,” she asked? Her heart was beating fast. I’m definitely losing it, Jessie thought. She looked directly at the owl on the right again. The one who seemed to be talking to her with its “hoo’s” She stepped up closer and got as close to “eye to eye” as she could with only about a foot between them.

A moment later she saw a flash of light and heard her husband’s voice. “Jessie, we are ok. We love you and we are always with you. We will be here for you when it’s your time. For now, you are meant to live amore mio, cuore mio, vita mia. You will get through this.”

Jessie stood frozen. Her husband’s endearment for her spoken in his native Italian was ringing through her ears. “My love, my heart, my life” she never thought she would hear those words again. Just then the two owls fluttered their wings and took silent flight above her head.

Oh! Jessie felt surprise at the sudden movements and astonished by what she heard. She looked up watching the owls circle above her high in the sky. As she watched them, it was like being hypnotized. She felt very heavy in her body and for the first time since the accident actually thought she could sleep.

Just as she had the thought another bright light flashed and a blanket of peaceful serenity washed over her. Tears of gratitude filled her eyes and her heart was bursting with love. She stood there savoring it. A moment later, she looked up to see the owls were still circling above her but she knew it was time to go inside. As she turned and walked towards the back door into the garage, she thought, “I hope this wasn’t a dream.”

“It wasn’t a dream” she heard in her head. She locked the door, went back into the house, and with a new level of exhaustion she didn’t think was possible, climbed the stairs. As tired as she was, Jessie noticed she felt lighter inside. A weight had been lifted. She felt more at peace and for the first time since the accident, actually believed she could get through this. She knew it wouldn’t be easy. She knew she may fall at times, but she also knew she would get back up again.

Jessie vowed to remember this night. Although she likely wouldn’t be able to forget it if she tried. She vowed to remember this sense of peace and her sweet husband’s voice telling her “We are ok. We love you. You must live your life. My love, my heart, my life.”

Jessie climbed into bed with the stuffed owl curled in her arm repeating those words over in her mind. Not wanting to let go of the memory. A noise at her window kept her from closing her eyes. She looked over and the two owls were perched on the window sill looking at her. She smiled and before she could have another thought, fell into a deep sleep.