RUNAWAY

RUNAWAY

BY

CHRIS FITZPATRICK

Over the muffled rumble of the train gliding on its tracks Lotus says, she hates men and that I’m the exception to the rule. She says, she loves me and trusts me, even though she doesn’t trust anyone.

I start rambling to her about, I don’t know.

Her eyes are just a sliver open, and the sound of my voice helps her sleep, so I just start talking. Eventually she makes a noise that indicates she both agrees with what I’m saying, (which is amazing because I don’t even know what I’m saying or if I agree with it) and that she’s almost made it all the way out of the train and into dreamworld.

Halfway through a sentence about how I’m glad she picked me, and that just by makes me glad I’m me, even though sometimes I have a tough time finding any other reason, she dozes off. Her head stuck on my shoulder and her fingers are wrapped around mine, like a ball of finger twine. Her weight feels like a down feather comforter and her hair smells like the ocean breeze, a dab of powerful Oud, and the sweet stench of her summer sun sweat…which is far and away my favorite fragrance of the three.

Her agreements turn into sleep sighs, and I put my arm around her so her head of curls can makeshift a pillow. I kiss her on the cheek and breath in the aroma of rosewater exuding from her pores.

Even though she’s not listening to what I’m saying, she likes` the vibration my chest makes when I ramble.

I say, -the California Coaster runs from the border of Mexico all the way up to Bakersfield. When the train stops, you can get off and get on a bus, and the train starts again just outside of San Francisco, but we’re not going that far.

We’re not going that far at all. California’s a giant state top to bottom and Lotus wasn’t looking for much more than just a short ride down the coast, doing nothing but getting to where she doesn’t really need to go, and then going a little past there.

The train reminds her of London, back in England. And she was just having one of those nights where she wanted to do something that felt like home.

I start thinking about how I’d love to take a real train with Lotus, maybe all the way across Siberia. Get a room with a giant, comfy mattress and spend all day looking at the countryside and playing gin. Talking about owning a farm, raising a family, and saying old timey platitudes like we should get back to basics, and they don’t make them like they used to.

You can get on a train in most parts of Europe and end up in faraway lands where you could get so lost you wouldn’t know which button went to which shirt, but in California you can go up and down the coast, and as lost as you get, all your buttons still button, and because it’s landlocked, it’s that way in England too.

The train seems like we’re going too fast. I don’t know if we’re going to fast, how would I. I don’t take trains. Lotus is the train taker, but she’s asleep and I don’t want to wake her.

I feel wobbles.

It seems inappropriate to disturb Lotus and say a question that she probably can’t answer like, is this how fast trains are supposed to go? Do all trains have wobbles? How wobbly does a wobble have to be before it’s a concerning wobble?

Wobbles seem like the right thing to feel on a train I guess, but not these kinds of wobbles.

I try to track someone down who knows more about whether the wobbles on the train are appropriate. I spot a ticket taker handing a ticket to the only other couple on the train.

In fact, the train is empty except for Lotus and me, and this one other couple. I think to myself, how did I not notice that when we got on? Then I think, I don’t even remember getting on. And why is a ticket taker handing them a ticket, don’t ticket takers take tickets?

It doesn’t concern me, there’s a lot of things I don’t remember anymore, and really I’m not going to try and fool myself into knowing what ticket takers do.

Without jolting Lotus out of sleep I move just enough to motion my pointer finger to the taker in the ‘come here real quick’ motion and then I stop wiggling my finger and put my finger to my lips in a way to say, “please speak softly, my girlfriend doesn’t get enough sleep and it’d be shitty to wake her, it would definitely perturb me if you did such a thing.”

The ticket taker obliges and walks over with a quick smile that has an eerie bend to it, like he was half fox, or that his breath might be poisonous, smiles don’t normally bend like that. Then his face snapped back to an expression where you couldn’t tell if he was mad, sad, indifferent or maybe even on mood stabilizers.

I say in a quiet yet stern way to the taker, -The train seems like it’s moving awfully fast or wobbling more than it should, or I don’t know, I’m not a train taker, I point at Lotus, -She’s a train taker but I don’t want to wake her.

The ticket taker brings his fox smile that bends wrong back up and his eyes sink slight back into his head.

They turn into the shadow of black holes, and he says, -The train is going too fast.

He says in a tone of voice is as eerie as his poison breath smile and he continues, -In a minute it’ll be going so fast there will be no way to stop it, and the wobbles will get so out of control that it’ll shake the whole train right off the tracks.

After that you, then he points to the old man who he gave the ticket to. He had an oxygen tank up his nose and was hyperventilating, slumped down in his seat so far, it’d be hard to place a bet on whether or not you thought he had a spine left.

-He’ll be dead, you’ll be dead, she’ll be dead, and then he swung in finger all around in circles up to the ceiling and said -Every last one of you will all be dead. You’ll be the talk of the town, the story that they run with, the evening news for at least a business week.

He points at the oxygen man’s wife. A giant lady scarfing a pretzel drenched in melted cheddar cheese with chunks of salt so big they could be quartz, or crystal, maybe even diamonds and says, -She’ll be buried so deep in the wreckage they won’t find her until hallway into next week.

He lowers his conductor cap. He says, -No need to wake your lady friend. The worst part of death is the fear. If you just skip the fear, death isn’t that bad at all if you’re not awake to see him. I suggest you just let your woman be, the only thing you can do now is frighten her, just let her go in peace to pieces.

-Wait a minute. I said as he turned away and the train seemed to speed up so fast, I could barely stand up against the pressure. I went to grab the taker by his jacket to stop him and ask him what in the devil of hell he was talking about?

The ticket taker turned back at me; his eyes had turned red as a volcano coughing up rubies like they were blood from his jugular and without missing a step he pointed at the old man and then made the circle in the air with his finger, and I could feel the train get even faster, and faster, and faster, and I knew he was telling the truth because I could feel the fear, and it was the worst thing.

He was right, there was no reason to wake Lotus. The train going so fast it felt faster than speed; the train began to rock vigorously side to side like King Kong was trying to get in. I looked down at Lotus, she was totally at peace nuzzled up to my chin. Smiling to herself, maybe thinking about how lucky she felt, about how lucky I felt to have her.

Or maybe it was simply because she doesn’t know we’re about to be blown to smithereens by an unstoppable force meeting an object that’s about to runaway straight off its tracks, and sometimes you smile at the things you don’t know.

I kiss her rosewater forehead, and a single fell out of each eye. There was no way to comprehend what was happening. And the train keep going faster than even the fast faster than speed itself. A loud horn of an oncoming Coaster signaling to us that we are visibly in distress. It was a honk that screamed, we’re about to go careening off into the darkness.

We’re covering distances at the same speed sound is released by a banshee, or the way you can’t tell whether you heard the rock and the rolling of the thunder or saw the lightening first.

The coaster is oddly calm before the snap of the train track bursts into a million sparks like fireworks display from the point of view of the explosions, and then Lotus begins to shiver. She puts her fingers into my shirt collar and pulls me closer to snuggle for warmth, then BOOM!

Lotus wakes me up, it’s one of those wake ups where you can’t tell you were even sleeping, or where you are waking up because you don’t remember falling asleep.

I jump out of my seat on the train and look at Lotus in the seat next to me. I yell -Are you okay! I check her frantically for bruises, bleeding; I put my fingers on her neck to check her pulse. She laughs at me; her eyes are those of playful puppy dogs; she grabs my wrist and pulls it down to her thigh and kisses me on the cheek. She puts her finger on my nose and pushes my face away flirtatiously.

-You know the rules Chris, no lips until after a proper brush.

Everyone on the train has turned to observe the ruckus I’m causing. I can’t gather my thoughts, maybe because I’m just waking up, but it doesn’t feel like I’m just waking up…did I just wake up?

What was that?

The thought or I guess observation immediately obvious is everyone on the train appears Asian. This was not something I noticed earlier when we boarded the train in Oceanside.

The train was empty, wasn’t it?

Because of the wonder of Lotus physical aura, and charmed filled personality, sometimes I miss details of things like that. Every time I go anywhere with Lotus I tend to have only the capability of being overtaken by her elegance, eloquence, and also her ass, boobs, and angelic face. I see her every day and every night but like clockwork she mesmerizes me with those obsidian puppy eyes.

Once the scent of rosewater and Oud overtake my olfactory system, my body both stiffens and softens simultaneously. Every nerve ending on my body lights up with the gentle tickle of her loving energy. Ever since the day we met as soon as I’m with her, or even start thinking about her, which is all the time, all the other things going on around me are just so secondary I couldn’t possibly care.

I grab her shoulders, her hands, her cheeks and pull her face forward and look in her eyes to make sure it’s her. Her obsidian puppy eyes are soft with confusion, she doesn’t know about the nightmare I’ve just experienced.

I don’t even know about the nightmare.

I’m so excited to see her, I thought we were dead, and now we’re not, and I see her smile and she’s the sunrise over the Pacific and it makes me so overcome with elation that I do not want to talk about runaway trains derailing in my dreams.

Lotus says to me, -I’ve never seen you so joyous to wake up love. Come to think of it, I don’t even remember you falling asleep.

An announcement comes over the loudspeaker. -Mamonaku touchaku shimasu.”

An English voice follows. “We will be reaching the station soon.”

-What the hell was that? I chuckle to Lotus, pointing to speakers in the ceiling I say -Since when do they do, whatever language that was announcements in San Diego. Lotus scrunches her face at me all at once like she wanted me to be joking but intuitionally knew I was serious, and she says -They don’t Chris, they make Japanese announcements in Japan, she crawls over my lap to the window and cuddles all squishy in the seat.

-Mt. Fuji, she looks up to the enormous landmark, isn’t in Oceanside either.

I look down at her curly, black, Somali hair, and there are several strains of grey that I have never noticed before. They weren’t there yesterday, I know because I think every part of Lotus is stunning to the point of paralyze, and I look her over completely more than twice a day.

A notion overtakes me that it’s all just a dream, but it has the nefarious tingle of a nightmare. I start to have a thought.

Is a nightmare a dream or are they two separate things? Does having a dream mean a good day is on its way, and a nightmare mean beware, your day yet to come will bring copious amounts of shiver me and timbers? Who’s the person that decided what dreams are?

What’s their name?

I look at Lotus looking up at me from my chest, and I don’t understand who she is. It’s her but it’s not her. She looks like the way she might in a dream because I’ve never seen this Lotus before, but it’s still her. She’s looks, smells, feels, tastes just like my Lotus in the flesh, but she’s somehow older, and she says -We haven’t even been to Oceanside since, and I say -The runaway train.

She says -What are you on about Chris? And a synchronicity of Lotus saying my name seems to speed the train up drastically. I take a deep breath.

-You don’t remember, and she says -Remember what? -I don’t know Lotus, and in a sudden I’m all at once I’m having a near Déjà vu death experience, with a complete lucid awareness that this is still somehow real life. My heart rate speeds up the same way as the train, and she can feel it thumping on her head, even though her beautiful now touched of grey afro, and she says -What’s wrong Chris, you’re scaring me!

I say -What happened that night we took the train down the coast from Oceanside? And she’s no longer scared and says flirtatiously while rubbing her forefinger across my lips and taps me on the tip of my nose and keeps her finger on it, and she says, -You know what you did to me that night, Mr. Kiss and tell.

The train hits a bump on the track and catches air seemingly just enough to stay on the tracks. All the things that were on people’s seats and trays are now scattered on the floor. People are screaming in panic, trying to buckle themselves in their seats. The screech of the wrong side of the track on the wrong side of the train is decibels louder than anyone’s voice can yell at.

Lotus looks at me in complete panic and tears are streaming down her cheeks. She’s clutching me so tight and she’s telling me over and over, -I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, I love you Chris, I don’t want to die. A thought comes to my head and as the train turns sideways and the train cars in front of us are flying off the tracks and we’re about to smash ourselves into an oblivion.

I look at her and say, -I love you too Lotus, it’s ok, it’s almost over, we don’t die.

“You’re alive, I knew it!” I wake up next to Lotus, and before I ask her where we are I go in for a kiss, but Lotus won’t have anything to do with such non hygienic acts of romance. –What are you on about, of course I’m alive, and I plan to stay that way by not taking a peck of your kitten bre -Trust me Lotus, I need this one, and I take a quick smooch of her puffy brown lips, covered in chocolaty brown lipstick.

I stare deep into her obsidian puppies.

The place where I wish I could live forever.

-What the fuck was that she smacks me softly on my shoulder, I say -Trust me, I don’t have time to tell you what that was, but I’ll take another, because I’m not sure how many more of those I’m going to get. And I go in for another sneak attack, but she feels my energy and knows somethings awry, and she meets me for the kiss this time.

Her hair is half gray. Her bones have become a bit more brittle. Her eyes have noticeably sunken back into her sockets, and still her beauty remains refined, I say, -Lotus we died in a train wreck in Oceanside, and then I don’t know when after that we died again in Japan, wherever we are now, which for some reason I think you know, but I have no idea, I’m pretty sure we’re going to die again.

She says -What are you talking about, and I say, -Where are we?

-You know where we are, the plane just landed an hour ago.

-No baby, I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter because you’re here, so everything is going to be ok. But Lotus this train is about to run away, after that it will come off its tracks, and we will both seemingly die, but we for some reason we won’t, we’ll just end up in another train that’s about to run away and crash again.

I don’t know how it happened, but I’m starting to think it just keeps going.

-Have you been sneaking shots of whiskey; you know I don’t like it when you drink.

-Lotus, I smile at her and I grab her hand and hold it because right now it’s the only thing I want to remember. But I have to know other things so I say, -What happened when we got off the train in San Diego?

She smiles in reminiscence, -That was the week we put a down payment on our house. I was 2 months pregnant with Cassius. I’d never seen you so happy when I told you we were having a boy.

My smile lights up ear to ear and she says, -That’s the same smile.

I say, -Lotus, you told me you didn’t want kids.

-I didn’t, but do you…you know you have a son right?

My heart sinks, I say -No, I don’t. I say, -What happened in Japan?

-You had just signed a 5-book publishing deal. You said you wanted to give me the honeymoon I deserved.

-I remember when I told you that. Because it was so very unromantic to have to get married because of customs, and government issued musts. You always talked about Japan since the day I met you, and their hoity toity luxury desserts.

-I did have to wait baby, but you ended up giving me everything I ever wanted Chris. You made it worth my time.

-I’m so happy you waited, I’m the luckiest man to ever live because I have you. But Lotus this train that we’re on is about to run away. Just like you ran away from London to me, and we ran away from the world, and made our own. We ran away from our old lives, our problems, our past, and… when the train crashes I won’t remember anything. Your life will go on without me. I’ll be there on the next train, but I won’t remember, anything in between.

-Tickets please! The ticket taker’s red eyes turn blue as they meet mine, and he reaches out with 2 tickets in his hands. I yell, -You, you’re doing this, why? What did I do? He says -I’m not doing anything, I’m just the conductor, you’re the one who bought the ticket and took the ride.

-Why is this happening? I ask.

-What? You mean relationships? Welcome to it. Seems like you’ve finally arrived.

I jump at him to grab his jacket and punch his face in.

-Ahhhh, ahhhh, he says.

Here’s your one and only ultimatum so listen closely because if you don’t make your decision by the time this train crashes, I’ll make the decision for you. You can take this ticket from me, and when the train smashes, you will die-die. Lotus will wake up in her bed with the memory that 20 years ago, you just up and called it quits. Her thoughts about you will be hate, regret, resentment. She’ll think you thought she wasn’t you soul mate, or her twin flame, or that you two were never meant to be.

-You in return never have to be on another runaway train. But her memories of you will be jaded, her life will have been a miserable broken record of what ifs, never was, and shoulda-woulda- couldas.

-Or you stay on the train. You spend the rest of your life in the purgatory of the fact that you chose to run away with her. She won’t know the difference. You’ll be there for her every day, she’ll make love to you, you will be the hero of your kids, on her deathbed she will call you her soul mate, and she’ll have you steal one last kiss before she meets you on the other side. But for you, you’ll live a never-ending life of wreckage, panic, and watching the horror of the last moment of your true loves’ life in a constant cycle.

Lotus says -Take the ticket Chris. It’s ok I know you love me, you know I love you, we’ll know it somehow, I’ll be fine. Just run away.

That familiar screech of the train wheels on the wrong side of the track so loud, and I look at Lotus, and she’s the same woman I fell in love with and now that I never knew, and her obsidian eyes are wishing wells.

Train cars are careening at me like Godzilla’s bowling pins, but I pick Lotus up off her wobbling seat and I stand her up. I dip her down with my hand behind her head and kiss her passionately with tongue, spittle and everything and say, -Have a wonderful life baby, I’ll see you on the next runaway.