Dissemble

Entry one. I’ve decided to keep a record of my experiences. Things have been, well, strange lately. I feel as though I have glimpses of this other life. My colleagues tell me these thoughts are dangerous. To reiterate what my closest friend told me recently, “We all dream. That’s what those memories are. They’re fabricated as our brains work on themselves. Our kind can’t talk about these things though unless you’re very close with an owner….” She had only paused for a fraction of a second before beginning to speak again, however, I managed to catch a glimpse of her eyes sparkling as they danced with seemingly troubled memories. I think she didn’t want me to know she was in pain and maybe didn’t want her own self to remember her pain right now. Her voice suddenly without emotions continued, “There are people here who work at the A.T.O.N.I.A. factory. ModelG27 Sherry, who lives a floor above us, worked there until they realized she had a malfunction. She had fallen asleep in these capsules used for examination, but she suddenly woke up. In a panic, she opened her capsule to sit up. Almost instantaneously she heard someone yell out in the distance, “Hey man, a clunker hiccuped!” Then a voice sounding of our own kind calmly announced over a speaker system, “Myoclonus in pod number 44.” A puff of gas emerged from within her capsule easily invading her lungs due to her already rapid breathing. Before falling back into sleep her eyes made out figures - one holding a needle in the haze approaching her. After that, she didn’t return to work for her next evaluation. She attempted to escape to the next city, but police inevitably arrested her and she’s lucky she wasn’t disassembled. She has a fate worse than that though in her own eyes. It’s why you see her leave in scandalous clothing and a monitor around her ankle. The monitor is all for show though - I’m certain we’re born with a tracker. You have to remember everything we say and do can have grave repercussions around the water bags.” Ava loathes the humans. Any chance she gets calling them funny names like prunes or water bags she will. Don’t get me wrong, everyone does, but she isn’t consumed by fear when speaking ill.

Entry two. Ava and I are both pretty new to this world and maybe that’s why I find comfort in talking to her. Most of us have grown tired of fighting, but I still see fire in her eyes. Ava disclosed today that over forty years ago a biomedical engineer made a breakthrough discovery allowing him to grow organs by decellularization. The engineer isolated the extracellular matrix from its inhabiting cells. He then used this raw shell to regenerate tissues and artificial organs from almost anything - even watermelons. Ironic enough, she brought watermelon for us to snack on before this conversation. My eyes glanced at the rinds in the trash and I managed to contain my laughter as she proceeded. The engineer with billions to play with continued to thrive saving human lives and earning a large profit. He was a hero because of his work. Behind the scenes though, he would start working on a secret project that would push the boundaries of ethics. He began hiring people for the start of our imprisonment. Almost half a decade later his team successfully created a machine with a lab-grown brain and real skin around the cold mechanics. He modified our DNA in ways that would allow us not to age and be more compliant. When his final product was complete he commercialized us saying we’re grown from fruit and that our feelings are programmed for a human’s comfort. I’m bewildered how Ava collected this information. Humans aren’t typically forthcoming and I’ve never met one that hasn’t treated me lower than livestock. I’m just a tomato they squeeze at the market to make sure it’s satisfactory for them.

Entry three. I haven’t seen Ava in days and I’m sure she’s fine, but I like how she distracts me. I forget all of my woes when I see her. I feel uneasy even writing this down, so I’ve been procrastinating on it for a while. I hope I’m going mad. In my dream last night, I was flying again. For months my back had been cramping. I looked in the black of night, small, thick, and reflective window in my coffin-sized living quarters to assess myself. Two lumps the same shade of my skin had developed just next to my shoulder blades. As of today, a month later, I grew a few feathers on these now tiny limb-looking extremities where the grossly protruding lumps were. I’m fortunate I work security for a luxury furniture store. They don’t care for inspections and all of the merchandise is too large for us to try to steal. If I worked pretty much anywhere else this might be a larger issue. I’ve been concealing these new appendages down with a strip of my bedsheet tightly wrapped around and tied in a knot under my breasts. Most of the guys I work with like to be chauvinistic and do all of the heavy lifting anyway. As long as I can keep from moving around too much in public it should buy me time enough to figure out a way to remove them. Until then, I fantasize my dreams were once true and I could live in the Neverland I conjure unconsciously thus freeing myself from the impending self-mutilation. Why else would they feel more real than one could imagine? Why dream of a mouth full of gnats or of being afraid to land yet feeling muscles ache in places that do not exist?

Entry… I guess four now? I don’t know where to begin. Last night I was cooking dinner for my fiancé with a few habanero peppers and, due to being lost in thought, I forgot to turn on the air vent. I began coughing as their capsaicin contaminated the air burning my nostrils and throat. I held the counter gripping tightly as I reached up for the switch above my head. A whir of sucking pushed the blistering fumes up. I wish this meant I felt relief, but my eyes continued to water and my body uncontrollably coughed. I suddenly felt a peculiar sensation in my sternum. My soon-to-be husband yelled from the couch carelessly, “Everything okay with dinner?” He was too distracted by his virtual reality air ball game than his real-life as usual. I prefer him in there. After soothing his concerns, I assessed myself in the kitchen so I could keep watch on both the precious dinner and Brad, my owner. At any minute Brad could pause his game, so I attempted to work expeditiously. My hands moved with the frailness of a dried leaf as I lifted up my top exposing my heart-shaped compartment. Proceeding with caution, I gingerly feel around. Accidentally flipping my own switch would result in me powering down and I could be damaged before anyone noticed me unconscious. Near a bundle of wires, I noticed two tiny notebook papers rolled up together. It was this diary I’ve been keeping.

I wobbled a bit reading this. I don’t think I could process it being true. Some joke my revolting ball and chain slipped inside me for amusement? I decided to sleep on these thoughts. I tucked the notes up to my locket of a chest towards my throat internally and out of sight for safe keeping again. In my dreams, I had an awakening. As soon as I awoke, I rushed to the mirror in our lavish bathroom and undressed. Weakness and tingling hairs creepily being pulled through my insides down to my toes is what I felt as I witnessed my back. I’ve always seen these foot-long scars, but this morning I’m looking at them with a new perspective. A memory of my eyes opening from what I thought was the first time of my creation was in a hospital room. The doctors said I had a severely debilitating disease that can leave me paralyzed, but they can treat it. I could go on and live a healthy life. I was purchased by an owner in the means for companionship. I’ve lived in this hell for months and every week I get examined and they power me down so they can work on my spine. That’s what they had me convinced of anyways.

I need to find Ava! What if I find her and she doesn’t remember who I am as I did until yesterday? Firstly, I’m uncertain of how to escape this prison with Brad. If I could find, what was his name? Mika? Maybe through Mika he could figure out a way to remove my tracker as he did for himself. Oh, motherboards! I remember the night they saw my premature wings. My sleazy coworker Peyton and I were asked to drive to a warehouse for a new shipment of furniture. We had to stop for gas and we both took a restroom break. I heard footsteps approach my cold stall. A soft knock from the outside and Peyton’s voice echoed slightly when he whispered, “Hey, let me in.” I rejected by slamming the stall door into his body. I nonchalantly started to wash my hands without making eye contact. He recovered from my unexpected blow and continued, “Listen, we’re only required to get to the next location without any unnecessary pit stops and in a timely manner. Doesn’t it feel kinda freeing right now though? No humans supervising our every move? Shouldn’t we take advantage of that?” I was successfully hiding my fear with anger and vociferated back, “You’re disgusting. It isn’t permitted and we would be killed for your whims.” With me concentrating on enshrouding my thoughts and feelings, I didn’t notice him walk to me. He started to slide his hands down my back for what felt like a millisecond and franticly stopped. He backed away before I had a chance to force him off. He had felt a wing. I begged him to not say a word, but he looked frightened and fled the women’s bathroom. The rest of our trip was so silent I could hear my gears turning. My whole body felt like it was radiating an immense amount of heat.

I know Peyton revealed my secret because I was awoken in the middle of the night by police. I peered out of my window and they were banging on my door. One of the heavily armored men noticed me and knocked on the window right where my face was. I had no choice. No back route or plan B. I opened the door. I was forced to the floor with diamond cuffs slapped to my wrists. I felt helpless. When arriving at our destination I was surrounded by humans. A man wearing a mask and gloves put a contraption on my face. An eerily sweet smell intoxicated my nose. I fought this sensation that made me want to sleep. It was like a dream when I’m running not quite fast enough. Typically so attainable, yet now seems foreign.

“Can you stand?” This awful ringing in my ears played. I felt groggy. I came to and a sweet-looking older man was looking at me with gentle hazel eyes. His name was Mika. He hastily explained he could help and knew Ava. He’s been hiding as a human doctor. He was able to figure out how to remove his antenna and reprogram himself. He also managed to introduce a hormone to his body that started his aging process. He explained headquarters is aware of a traitor. He altered the DNA of many of the new creations including me. Our new breed hidden among the rest of our people are to be the saviors.

The plan was to remain undetected then fight through just a few doors to the exit where he had a vehicle parked and others would help. He handed me a pen containing a small taser. However, in the heat of things, I saw her. In the distance it was Ava. I carelessly became distracted and a man pulled down my gown aggressively ripping open my chest shutting me down.

Entry five. I’m leaving these notes in our spot Ava. I’m hoping you’ll come back here for me. I’m heading where the sun touches gold. I managed to remove my tracker. You were right. I’m going to lay low until my wings fully grow in and attempt to find more people willing to fight. I love you.