We Will Always Have Garlic Toast

Italian culture has been ingrained in me since I was born. The major arcana of my culture are cooking and your family. Cooking is how we show our love to our people. My fondest memories are helping my Nonni cook for our weekly family dinner. My Nonni would spend hours cooking so her family could enjoy her meals. It was a big deal for her to let you help. She loved being the center of attention and the older I become, the more I get it. It’s a big deal to be the center of your family and I hope to earn that title one day.

I got divorced in March, right at the start of the Pandemic. The divorce and isolation from the Pandemic has helped me realize what’s truly important to me. I have realized that I cared about all the wrong things. I was so determined to reach the top, that I burnt out along the way. Being at the top, also means nothing if you don’t have anyone to share it with.

I haven’t been able to go to Italy, but I will one day. I have also been dreaming of a new love and what that would look like. In this story, I imagine us living in Italy. My day would consist of gathering fresh tomatoes from the market under the Tuscan sun, then leisurely walking back to our cottage nestled among the shrubs filled with the most vibrant flowers. I imagine music softly playing, our french doors and shutters wide open with views of the terrance and our daughter playing in the background. It's a place I long to be, it’s a much simpler life than the hustle and bustle of American life. It’s also better than my current reality. In America, our culture has become about monetary value instead of enjoying simple pleasures like cooking, beautiful scenery, and the love of family. I also admit that I’m 100% guilty of falling into the monetary trap. I was so determined to reach the top, that I became flawed in the process. I didn’t like who I was becoming in my first marriage.

As of lately, cooking has become one of my favorite pastimes. I love researching new recipes to try, shopping for the ingredients, and knowing that I’m honoring my body with wholesome nutrition and self love. I really am a taurus moon at heart, all I need is love, good wine and good food.

As I think about my first love, I think back to the time we danced in your mom’s kitchen while making “garlic toast.” One of my favorite memories with you will always be when you introduced me to “garlic toast.” Even though I'm Italian, I never knew such a delicacy could exist. You told me you got the idea from watching cooking shows on The Food Network and I loved that about you. We both lived with our parents, since we were teenagers, which meant we were limited on the amount of time that we could see each other. I loved that you would call me, after work, ask me to turn on The Food Network, so we could “watch it together.” It was our work around hanging out on school nights.

After a long day of hiking, we made our way back to your mom’s kitchen. You began to gather the ingredients and put them on the counter near the oven. We needed a knife, chopping board, french bread, olive oil, garlic, and foil. I watched in awe, as you chopped the top of the garlic off and carefully placed the entire clove on a piece of foil and drizzled olive oil and sea salt over the bulb.

After placing the bulb in the oven, you put on Dean Martin, “Return to Me” and we danced until the garlic was ready. You kissed me on the forehead and I felt safe in your arms. The timer went off and you pulled away from me to open the oven. The smell of roasted garlic filled the kitchen and it was divine and I began to cut the bread for us.

After I cut the bread, you squeezed the garlic and spread it onto the toast. You asked if I wanted to try the first bite and I said yes. I savored the sweetness and felt immensely happy. I love that it’s just the two of us, lost in this moment, humbled in this treat. I think of you often and wonder who you would be today, if you were still alive. This was so long ago, but it will be a memory that I cherish forever.