The Wild, Bizarre, and Energizing History of Coffee

The Wild, Bizarre, and Energizing History of Coffee: From Goats to Global Obsession

You might think your morning coffee routine is the key to surviving adulthood. But, believe it or not, humanity’s relationship with coffee dates back to a time when people were, well, probably just as confused as you are about how they started drinking it. Enter Kaldi, the goatherd who may have just discovered the world’s most beloved beverage—and inadvertently started a caffeine-fueled global empire.

Kaldi’s Goats: The Original Coffee Enthusiasts

Around 850 CE, Kaldi, a simple Ethiopian goatherd, made a life-changing discovery that no one had the decency to inform him about beforehand. One fateful day, he noticed that his goats were acting... well, extra. After nibbling on some berries from a mysterious shrub, they started prancing around like they’d just discovered the internet. Intrigued, Kaldi thought, “Hey, why not give those berries a go?” And before long, he was bouncing off the walls too.

Thus began humanity’s first taste of coffee—if you believe the legends, that is. The exact moment when people started munching on these berries is a bit fuzzy, but by the 1400s, folks in Ethiopia were foraging for wild coffee beans in the underbrush, probably trying to figure out how to turn these magical berries into something that didn’t involve goat-induced hyperactivity.

The First Brew: From Goat Snacks to Liquid Energy

At first, people used coffee leaves for tea, combined the berries with butter and salt for a snack that could keep you going for hours (talk about multitasking), and even experimented with drying, roasting, and simmering the cherries into what would become the world’s first energy drink.

Then coffee went on a road trip. It hitchhiked across trade routes, winding its way into the Middle East by the 1450s, where it took on a life of its own—literally. A Sufi leader in Yemen, returning from a visit to Ethiopia, suggested coffee as the perfect drink for ritual chants and dances. And suddenly, a new cultural phenomenon was born. Forget wine or ale—coffee was about to become the beverage of choice for everyone from mystics to rebels.

Mecca’s Coffee Trial: Is It a Drink or a Drug?

In the 1500s, coffeehouses began popping up all over the place, particularly in the Ottoman Empire, where people congregated to sip their new caffeinated concoction, smoke, and chat. But not everyone was on board. In 1511, a religious court in Mecca put coffee on trial. Yes, coffee was literally on trial, like it was some kind of intoxicating substance.

The verdict? “It’s fine.” And just like that, coffeehouses sprung up in cities like Damascus and Istanbul. These places quickly became the social hubs where intellectuals, artists, and the general public could come together to sip, smoke, and ponder life’s biggest questions. “What came first, the coffee bean or the existential crisis?”

Coffee Goes Global: From Mecca to London (and Beyond)

By the late 1500s, Yemen had become the epicenter of coffee cultivation, with coffee beans being exported from the port of Al-Makha, which—thanks to international trade—became known as Mocha. But the rest of the world wasn’t far behind. Coffee made its way to India, Java, and, of course, Europe. Central London opened its first coffeehouse in the 1650s, and by 1663, there were more than 80.

King Charles II, clearly not a fan of public caffeine consumption, attempted to ban coffeehouses in 1675. But coffee had other plans. These spots continued to thrive, fueling lively debates, scientific discussions, and—perhaps most memorably—an event at Garraway’s coffee house in 1679, where scientist Robert Hooke publicly dissected a porpoise. Nothing says “intellectual gathering” like a porpoise dissection.

Coffee and Enlightenment: Voltaire’s 50 Cups a Day

The 1700s saw coffee become the official drink of Europe’s Enlightenment thinkers. In France, people began mixing it with milk and sugar (shocking, right?). Paris’ coffee houses became the stomping grounds for figures like Voltaire and Diderot. In fact, Voltaire was allegedly consuming 50 cups a day. Now, sure, we know these were likely small cups of weak coffee, but still—50?! That’s either a caffeine addiction or the behavior of someone who had discovered the secret to perpetual motion.

Coffee and Colonialism: Darker Brews

Of course, coffee’s rise wasn’t without its darker side. European empires quickly saw the money-making potential of coffee cultivation and set up plantations in Latin America, Asia, and Africa, often relying on enslaved and exploited labor. By the early 1900s, Brazil was exporting 80% of the world’s coffee. Meanwhile, the world’s obsession with coffee only grew stronger, with the invention of the espresso machine in 1906 and the rise of coffee breaks in factories during the 1950s.

Today’s Coffee: Sustainable...ish?

In more recent years, specialty coffee has taken over, with people obsessing over everything from bean quality to brewing methods. But—spoiler alert—coffee workers in many parts of the world still face poor working conditions and low pay. Thankfully, certification efforts like fair trade and sustainable farming are slowly improving the situation. And yet, the future of coffee is uncertain. Thanks to climate change, the “Bean Belt” where coffee thrives is shrinking, and scientists are frantically researching hybrid coffee beans that can withstand the pressures of a changing climate. It’s a race against time to keep the global caffeine addiction alive.

So, What's the Deal with Coffee?

From hyperactive goats to intellectual debates, from porpoise dissections to today’s $5 lattes, coffee has truly made its mark on history. But let’s face it: we don’t need a centuries-old journey to tell us what we already know. Coffee is life. Whether you’re sipping it to fuel a creative spark or just to survive a Monday, it’s the drink that binds us all together—one caffeinated sip at a time.

And if anyone asks you how you got into coffee, just tell them it all started with a goat.