satire
Food industry and celebrity satire presented by Feast.
Watch Out, It's Pumpkin Slice Season
It’s that time of year again. The leaves are changing, the mornings are getting chilly, the Halloween décor is all on display at every store you go to “just to look” but leave with $50 worth of merchandise because DUH, spooky vibes. But the one thing more important if not the most important, the quintessential fall staple that oversaturates food, drinks, decorations, clothing, your emails, your thoughts. And we salivate for it, we yearn for it, we fantasize about the moment we can get our hands on it and monstrously devour it, much like a vampire on a bag of blood after being asleep for 1200 years. It is our life force during the cooler months; we cannot stop ourselves. We crave it, we need it, we obsess over it. None of us are immune to its intoxicating power, its symbolism, its deliciousness, its magic. We need to feed, we MUST feed. What am I talking about? Pumpkin, of course. But you already knew that. Pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin beer; even pumpkin Cheerios. A pumpkin explosion that we so desperately have been lusting for ever since we see a package of orange string lights for sale in late July at the back of Target, gingerly teasing us as to what is to come.
By Alyssa Peters3 years ago in Feast
An Open Letter to the British Sunshine. Runner-Up in Summer Camp Challenge.
Dear British Sunshine, I know you're shy. I get it - I'm shy too. That's why I'm writing this letter instead of screaming at you from my backyard. But if you could challenge your shyness just long enough to stay out in the open for an entire afternoon so that we can have our annual British barbecue, I'd be ever so grateful.
By Ellie Scott4 years ago in Feast
Carnival Food Will Kill Me
I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at the age of 11, it was not a fun time. I didn’t actually find out that it was sudden onset arthritis that had me laying in the hospital bed for a week with 105 degree temp because my body went into shock until about 10 years after the fact. My parents did not tell me because they simply thought I knew, jokes on them. I was thinking about how to exploit this situation to get McDonald’s for dinner.
By Alex Brown4 years ago in Feast
The Revealing Secret Affair with Joe
It’s hard to keep my hands off of Joe. There is something about him that fires me up and gets me hot under the collar. Seeing him positioned in the far corner of the coffee bar waiting for me, I know he’ll be steamy in no time.
By Crystal A. Wolfe4 years ago in Feast
Stop Calling It "Cheese Pizza"
I think I had just about enough of this for one lifetime. First of all, I’m not the biggest fan of dairy as opposed to every person I’ve ever met. I’m not 100% against it but I can safely say it’s approximately 99.97%. For the most part, the thought of it alone makes my blood curdle and gives me stinky foot vibes. Gross.
By The Rogue Scribe4 years ago in Feast
A Truly Mouthblowing Culinary Experience in the Dretches of Europe
When I started my career in dining critique, or as they laymen call it, “reviewing food”, I never imagined all the twists and turns the job would take me on. Whether it was being yelled at by the staff at my local gastropub over my first negative review, the long-lines at foreign airports on my way to the next artisanal farmhouse, bed-and-and-breakfast, or beachside eatery, even all my chance encounters with celebrities, I could not be more thankful for the opportunity to dictate the world’s palette one sentence at a time.
By Tyler Ridge 4 years ago in Feast
The War On Chickens
WAR... War never changes... Truer words were never spoken, however... before you gloss over a seemingly innocent picture of a chicken in a coop, consider this; What did the chicken do to get life in prison? It had to be something serious. Something sinister. Something heinous. Murder. That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. Serious stuff. We're in the middle of a war here people and most don't even realize what's going on! Idiots! Sheeple! Everyone just going about their daily business as if nothing's wrong... But that's how they get ya!
By Kerry Williams4 years ago in Feast
