Life Fuel

I am just really not a fan of breakfast. I like breakfast foods, waffles are great, love the bacon, cereal is fun too, but I hate getting up and eating first thing in the morning. It's weird. If I was at a camp program, or I was out of town with friends, and we had a specific time and place where breakfast was happening, I would happily eat it. But every day? Really? Not my thing.

A little over two years ago I was diagnosed with Type One Diabetes, an auto-immune disease where my body attacks my pancreas, destroys vital beta cells, and leaves me unable to produce insulin. Long story short, I have to inject myself with insulin every time I eat anything (and at random points throughout the day too) or I die. Yikes. Taking artificial insulin also causes you to gain weight. Also yikes. And it takes a lot of math (which I hate) to figure out how much insulin I have to give myself every time. Even more yikes!

In my mind, these are just some added reasons to keep skipping breakfast, and other meals every now and then too. Less food = Less shots. Less shots + Less food = Less weight gain. Simple math! However, my doctor does not agree with me or my math.

As a diabetic, my health is really complicated. Living the way I have been is actually kind of dangerous. I hate saying things like that, because it makes me feel dramatic, but it is what it is.

The mental health aspect of life and of my relationship with food is changed by diabetes too. It is so hard to have a good healthy relationship with food, and eat consistent meals, and feel good about it, when food comes with so many needles and so much math. And to top it all off, I really don't like the way I look very much.

It would be easy to keep going as I have been, skipping meals every now and then, smiling in nodding (with no intention of change) when my doctors give input, and just pushing on, but I know that this is not what's best for me.

In 2021, I will love myself enough to build a healthy relationship with food. I feel like that sounds cheesy, but it's a big deal! Even if you aren't sick, it is important to look at food in the right light.

Food is life fuel! Food is what powers your body and allows it to keep functioning and keep doing amazing things. I don't want to hate food, and I don't want to hate myself for loving food either.

What if I decided to stop drinking water? or if I chose to stop sleeping? Or to stop breathing? It would not end well, and everyone would be very concerned for me! It's the same with food. You just need it.

The first step of changing my relationship is food is the mindset. I have to keep telling myself that food is not the enemy. All the shots and all the math in the world is worth it if it keeps my body functioning at it's best.

Step two is evaluating what foods I want and need in my diet. Not restricting or dieting, just being mindful of the fact that some foods are not meant to be a part of my every day, while also remembering that the world will not end if I splurge a little when I feel like I need it.

And step 3, loving the body I am in, even when I look in the mirror, or look around me, or scroll through social media and feel like I should be something else. I'm not as little as I used to be, I'm not as muscular as I used to be, and recently my body is covered in scars marks and irritated skin from my medical devices. It's not always "pretty", but I'm still here.

There is a quote from C.S. Lewis that says "You don't have a soul, you are a soul. You have a body." And it has become my favorite quote in the world over the last few years. It reminds me that I am not only my body. Yes, this body is my home, and yes, I should love and care for it, but it isn't everything. It is comforting to know that just because my body is incapable of functioning correctly on its own, it doesn't mean that I am broken too. And just because I am not always %100 in love with the way I look, that doesn't mean I can't be %100 in love with myself.

This year, I will love myself enough to fix my relationship with food.

I will love the skin I live in, no matter what beauty standards it does or does not fit into.

I will love my soul, because I am not the home I live in.

And I will eat my breakfast every gosh darn day!