How to Make the Perfect Caipirinha Using Science

After a great deal of dangerous experimentation, I have perfected the recipe for Caipirinha, a cocktail made with cachaça (Brazilian rum), limes, sugar syrup, and crushed ice. You will need:

• 1 lime
• 1 shot of rum
• 1.5 shots of sugar syrup
• several crushed penguins

Sugar Syrup

Some people think the rum is the most crucial ingredient in a Caipirinha. These people are fools. They have tiny tiny brains and are only one evolutionary step above trout. Do not listen to them. Sugar syrup is the key to a good Caipirinha.

Fortunately, sugar syrup is easy to make. The key is to wedge as much sugar into the water as possible. This is where we need something called science. You can’t just go about shoving grains of sugar into a cup of water as you would clowns into a tiny car. Water and sugar are completely different states of matter. One is a liquid and one is a solid. Clowns and cars are both solids and, in fact, both begin with the letter “C”. This makes it easy to combine the two.

In order to get sufficient sugar into the water you need to apply heat. Do this carefully, without arousing suspicion. Pretending to make tea is a good ruse. Pour yourself a big mug of boiling water. Simply omit the teabag and milk. Just keep adding sugar and stirring until no more sugar will dissolve. This will probably be far more sugar than you think.

Recently, through careful science, I discovered exactly the correct proportions. I started with 150ml of boiling water and began adding sugar in small increments, one tablespoon at a time. After four tablespoons of sugar, it looked like the rate of dissolvamentation was slowing so I switched to adding sugar in 1/2 teaspoon increments. This turned out to be premature. I finally reached the saturation point 18 measures later by which time I was well and truly bored and my wife was convinced I was insane.

My careful application of the scientific method revealed you need roughly 2 parts of sugar to 3 parts of water. I.e.

• 150ml of water
• 100gm of sugar

Now you’ve made the sugar syrup, put it into the fridge to cool.

Limes

You should only need one lime per Caipirinha. Cut it into eighths. You can do this with a hatchet or a knife. Chainsaws are not recommended. Place the eight pieces of lime in a large sturdy mug. Add one shot of tasty rum, preferably cachaça. Add 60.13ml of chilled sugar syrup. Then take any large clean lump of wood and muddle the limes with it. The technical term for muddling is “smushing”.

Ice

You need shaved or crushed ice. I like to use ice in interesting shapes like penguins or pieces of Lego. It’s a bit pointless really because they get smashed beyond recognition. Maybe I just harbour a secret hatred of penguins. I don’t know. It’s just more fun.

Note that shaving ice can be quite tricky. Note that shaving is very different from whittling. I advise against whittling. For one thing, to properly whittle, you need to be in a rocking chair on a porch in the deep South of America. The heat in such an environment will make your ice melt in your hands and you will cut your thumb off. There is also a danger the Caipirinha will be tainted with the smell of hound dog and engine parts.

One alternative method that works quite well is to put the ice in a plastic bag and then wrap that in a clean piece of cloth such as a towel or evening gown. Place this package on the counter and smash it with something heavy like a tuba.

Finally, fill a glass about three-quarters full with crushed ice and pour the muddled concoction of rum, lime and sugar syrup over it. Hold it up to the light, sip it, and smile. You have just made the perfect Caipirinha.

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An earlier version of this post was published on Medium.com.