Chris Yanda
Bio
I write words. Some of those words make people laugh. Sometimes for the right reason.
Stories (12)
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Cat Burglary Tips From the Carlton in Cannes
Several years ago, before mobile phones were a thing, I was woken up at about five in the morning by a woman shouting my name. It was coming from outside the apartment I was staying in. I crossed to the window and peered down. It was Jennifer, my colleague. We were on a business trip and were sharing the apartment.
By Chris Yandaabout a year ago in Humans
The True Story of How Annoying a Helicopter Crash Can be
I thought we were done. The chopper had flown the crew in. It had slung all the trees out to the block. Some were, no doubt, already going into the ground. I was about to return to camp when the radio crackled into life.
By Chris Yandaabout a year ago in Humans
It Takes a Hell of a Long Time to Get a Bat Out of Hell
“A great song should be an erection of the heart.” — Jim Steinman I wasn’t expecting much when I saw the musical “Bat Out of Hell” the other night. I thought it would just be a musical revue of songs from the album. I was wrong. It was a great piece of theatre in its own right.
By Chris Yandaabout a year ago in Beat
Queries From a Sleeping Spouse
My wife is not a quiet sleeper. I don’t mean she snores like an exploding chainsaw — that was her father’s speciality — but she talks in her sleep, often loudly and quite suddenly. It never wakes her up. I’m not sure anything would wake her when she is in sleep-lecturing mode. But it always wakes me up because she doesn’t just talk in her sleep, she asks questions. If she was just making simple statements of fact, it would be easy to ignore them and go back to sleep. But she asks me things.
By Chris Yandaabout a year ago in Humans
How Frank Sinatra Pissed Off David Bowie
David Bowie had fucked up, and now he was kicking himself. It was 1968, near the start of his career. To make ends meet, he was working for a music publisher writing English lyrics to foreign language songs. He’d been given a French song to work on called Comme d’Habitude. He banged out some lyrics and created a version called Even a Fool Learns to Love.
By Chris Yandaabout a year ago in Beat
The Proper Order of Dressing for a Gentleman
Clothes make the man. Or at least they make the man less naked. The trouble is there is so much clothing to choose from and so many different types. These days a fashionable man needs more than a codpiece and a cravat to be acceptable in polite society. Often, several articles of clothing are involved. But in what order should they be put on?
By Chris Yandaabout a year ago in Styled
The Immortal Lobster
I learned something Quite Interesting from the TV show, QI, this evening. Lobsters are, in theory, immortal. I won’t go too deeply into the scientific details. This isn’t because I’m worried you, my dear reader, are too thick to understand them. I’m sure you are absolutely brilliant. It’s because I’m too lazy to look them up, and because I’m worried it might shake my newfound belief in 1000-year-old lobsters.
By Chris Yandaabout a year ago in Humor
Portrait of the Artist as a Young Robot
One of the good things about being a robot is you know exactly what your purpose in life is. You come into being secure in the knowledge that you have a purpose. You are not a random organic occurrence. You were created for a job. That job is clear to you and you know that it has value. The bad thing about being a robot is you don’t often get the chance to think for yourself.
By Chris Yandaabout a year ago in Fiction
