Drunken Pizza?

This pizza will rock your world. It will melt your face off. It will stun your friends and neighbors and it will deeply impress foreign dignitaries if you ever have occasion to serve one!

These might sound like insane boasts and ridiculous exaggerations but they do not go far enough!

I shit you not: I have prepared this dish for hundreds of famous, powerful people…. And I’ve never received a single complaint, nor has any feedback ever been short of glowing praise.

Everyone who’s ever tasted the finished product raves about how delicious it is, in fact I’m looking at all the signed thank you cards and other mementos on my wall right now!

There’s a bunch of autographed gifts from celebrities on that wall: an original print from Andy Warhol, a golden record from Iggy Pop, a guitar pick from Eric Clapton, a hand written short story from Stephen King, and a chef hat from Chef Gordon Ramsay!

All this being said, the accolades and appreciation from regular people is almost more satisfying. It’s less of a boast, but it feels good for my soul, when I prepare this dish for local charities and receive simple standing ovations.

Still, the most incredible thank you gift I’ve received is probably the gold statue centered on my mantle— I tried to refuse but Jack Nicholson insisted I keep one of his Oscar’s.

Still don’t believe me?

Well maybe that’s your loss.

Last thing I’ll say on the topic of how unfathomably delicious this pizza is:

I actually made some for Halle Berry once and she was so impressed she fell desperately in love with me.

But she was too scared to make a move.

I later learned she was intimidated by my godlike culinary skill and that she had this pressing (but not entirely unfounded) fear that anyone so gifted in the kitchen would have a terrifyingly large penis.

Unfortunately for her, by the time she finally worked up the courage to ask me out I’d already accepted a marriage proposal from someone else, so our intense mutual attraction couldn’t go anywhere.

I’d invite her over for pizza again now that I’m single but, sadly, I seem to have lost her number.

INGREDIENTS

• pizza dough— 3 lb
• White wine— one bottle
• Gruyère cheese— 10 oz grated
• Swiss cheese— 6 oz grated
• Fresh Lemon— 1
• Butter— 8 oz
• Fresh Artichoke hearts— 4, quartered
• Flour— 2 tbsp
• Garlic— 1 head, cloved and peeled
• Kalamata Olives— 1 jar (not vinegary ones)
• Grilled Chicken Breast— 1, chopped thin
• Grapes— a bunch, each grape cut in half
• Olive oil

So— now that you’ve assembled your building blocks, let me walk you through the creation of your very own masterpiece!

1. First, preheat the oven to 425.

2. Next, in a small pan make a rou, from butter, squeezed lemon juice, white wine, and a couple punches of flour. Add the peeled cloves of garlic.

Stir as it cooks to avoid burning! The consistency of the end result should be thick like gravy.

Taste as you go!

The balance of flavors should be roughly equal flavor ratios between the butter, lemon, and wine. But in terms of volume you’re looking for a butter:lemon:wine ratio of 4:1:4

But ultimately these ratios are flexible. If you prefer your end result to be more wine or lemon forward, adjust accordingly.

If you’re paying attention to quantities here, you’ll notice that we only used half the lemon, and not even half the bottle of wine!

That’s deliberate. The rest of the lemon is to squeeze over the finished product right when it comes out of the oven. The rest of the wine is there to drink while you wait for the pizza to be done!

3. Now, the dough!

You can make your own from scratch if you’re feeling ambitious, but I just buy a premade generic pizza dough from my local grocery store.

Let it sit out at room temperature for a couple hours, to allow the yeast to wake up.

Then work the dough. Make sure to do this on an oiled pan so that you can layer transfer your pizza to the oven without it tearing apart.

It’s okay to use a pre-pressed pizza crust if you’re in a rush, but it’s much more satisfying to dig your fingers into that doughy blob and knead it and squeeze it and shape it.

You can use a rolling pin, but I find the most fulfillment from pressing the dough out using only my hands.

Reward yourself with a sip of wine.

4. Once your dough is looking like a crust, spread your lemon butter wine sauce all over the dough! Apply liberally, every bite needs to be bursting with flavor. The partially cooked cloves of garlic shoulder be added and evenly dispersed across the pizza.

5. Sprinkle your cheese all over the pizza. Again, aim for complete coverage. Sip your wine while you assess, and apply more cheese as necessary.

6. Have a few more sips of wine.

7. Add all your toppings, (the chicken, artichokes, Kalamata olives, and grapes) striving for balance and aesthetic beauty.

Even dispersal is a good goal, but if you have time to arrange these toppings in concentric circles with the grapes closest to the outer crust, that would be even better.

8. Drink a little more wine. Then, carefully transfer your pizza to the hot oven. You can simply use the oiled pan you prepped it on to bake it, but if you have the proper tools to transfer to a hot pizza stone you will achieve a greater, more impressive texture in your finished product.

9. Bake for 14 minutes, drinking wine as you wait. Cool times may vary. The end result should see the cheese slightly browned, but the crust firmed up and crispy.

10. Remove from the oven and bring your incredible pizza to the table!

11. Squeeze the remaining half of lemon over the pizza, aim specifically for the pieces of grilled chicken.

12. Enjoy the stunned admiration of your dinner guests!

Well I hope this recipe brings you as much satisfaction and happiness as it has brought me! May your wall also be filled with the Knick knacks and knickers of your flocking admirers!

Don’t let the fact that this story was submitted to the “unreliable” challenge dim your confidence in my culinary ability.

It’s not like I made this whole recipe up, I’ve actually cooked it and served it many times, believe me.

I personally guarantee you’ll love the results as much as Halle Berry and Jack Nicholson did!

Please let me know how it goes! Share your happy results and glowing recommendations in the comments.