Drawing back

"The music is too loud."

"It is."

"Why did we come to a bar?"

"Why not?"

"It's loud."

"We can dance."

"Nobody's dancing."

"We can get the party started."

"I'd rather they turn the music down. My thoughts are loud enough. And with you talking too it all becomes a bit much."

"I'm happy to finally see you again too."

"Didn't want to be a jerk, dude. It's just that I've gotten used to the peace and quiet of the woods, now all this stimulation feels like an attack at my brain on all fronts."

"Time to redirect your focus. Tell me a bit about the woods."

"Right. So I lived in this hut for three months."

"Doing what?"

"I would get up at 6:30 am. Then, I would go for a short walk. Get some sunlight in my eyes and on my skin. Most days, I would wash myself in a close-by river for a bit. Next, I'd come back and sit staring at the old trees and the rough mountain ridges. Probably for like an hour."

"You sat each day for an hour staring into nothingness?"

"It's not nothingness. But yes, I would stare."

"Kind of bizarre but ok, you do you."

"I did. Anyways, then I would get bored and start preparing breakfast. The sunlight would shine through the windows in the hut, bathing everything in a bright golden light on good weather days. If not, going back into the hut would feel more like taking refuge and sometimes I would light a fire and some candles too see better."

"Didn't you have electricity?"

"I did but it was very limited and there were a lot of power outages. Plus I liked the fire. It made me feel less alone."

"Were you alone all throughout?"

"I was. The first week was extremely strange. I had been on a lot of meetings before that and if not there were always family or friends around. It was a busy time right before going up to the hut. So at the start I just felt lost. What was I to do with myself? With all this time? I swear I hadn't felt that useless in ages. Then I figured the most useful thing to do was to find a way of adjusting."

"But what for?"

"Believe me, I asked myself that question a lot of times. I just knew I needed it, is the truth. Not that I had any grandiose philosophy at the back of my mind. Everything had been accelerating day by day. I was stressed. Always tired. Always behind. Running from here to there, satisfying everyone's desires. It was goddamn exhausting."

"Couldn't you just have taken some days off, relaxed a bit on some nice beach, recharged and gone back to work?"

"Sure. But this was not about a one-off quick recharge. I didn't want to recharge. Well I mean, I wanted to, but not exclusively. I felt like everything was off. Like I was running ever further from where I wanted to be. Though I had no idea where I wanted to be. I couldn't have told you. But still, I kept running because that's what I had learned to do. Come to think of it, the term 'being out of touch' was probably invented to describe my state back then."

"Ok I get the picture. So now you've come back enlightened from your solitude in that hut?"

"Nearly. No, the truth is, I'm just calmer. I experience the world around me more slowly. I get overwhelmed, like with all this loud music here, but not existentially so. Stress comes but it isn't permanent and I've cut some obligations out and set up boundaries. I might be learning late but I'm learning. This was the first time that I ever prioritized myself. In anything. I started by doubting every day. How dared I? Who permitted me to do that? Surely, I should be working. Surely, my long absence would lead to terrible consequences. I was looping. But after some days, the noise subsided a bit. I saw wild animals. I mean, they were probably there from the start, I just never noticed. I started seeing how the sunset colours varied day by day. I started being able to differentiate between bird calls, though I still barely know any of their names. Sometimes, I would encounter people, wanderers. That was exciting and such a contrast to this solitary existence that I usually needed two, three hours afterwards to process it."

"Ok, can't say I quite see the point. But well if it made you happy."

"Oh it didn't. It was simply the only way."