Vanishing Twin

Second-time mum here! We had planned to have our second child when our first was starting school, a five year age gap which we were happy with and ready for. Like with our first, it didn't take long to conceive. But with both pregnancies, I was worried I would take after my mother and take ages to conceive or struggle not to miscarry as she experienced for 10 years.

They say all pregnancies can feel different. I was feeling nauseous continuously and not just at the scent of any cooking. I could sleep for 3 hours on the sofa during the middle of the day and yet still be tired at bedtime. I was lucky I was on furlough and didn't have to sit at a computer all day. My in-laws would tell me you must be having a boy next. My neighbour was the first to mention that I could be having twins considering how sick and tired I was compared to my first pregnancy. I was also showing very early on but I would use the excuse that I was really bloated. I just didn't believe I could have twins. Why would I? I don't have any twins in the family and neither does my partner.

Then that dreaded day came along. I was 11 weeks pregnant and not yet pass the 12-week safe zone when you usually make your pregnancy announcement. That morning I didn't feel so sick or tired but I didn't think much of it. Then, I noticed some bleeding. I thought I must be spotting but my mind already started worrying and I kept going back to the toilet to keep checking. It was getting heavier but not like a period. My mind was panicking so much I couldn't wait any longer. I called the Health Visitor expecting them to tell me to monitor it longer, but they didn't, they sent me straight to the hospital to get an ultrasound checkup. I was only a week away from my official first scan but I knew I would worry all week, so off we went to the hospital.

My partner drops me off at the front door but has to leave me there because of Covid rules. I now had to face this all alone. I braced myself to deal with the dreaded news of miscarriage all by myself. It was a long wait in the waiting room and I couldn't help but cry a little, pulling off my mask to wipe my nose and tears. Once I get those thoughts in my head I can't stop myself.

I was then laying on the hospital bed, tears running down my face whilst they apply the jelly to my belly. The more they tried to calm me down the worse I got. But I held them back finally to listen to the midwife.

"I have good news and bad news", she said. "Do you have twins in the family?"

Of course, I don't and I start to wonder why she asks.

"The good news is that I can hear a healthy strong heartbeat, the bad news is I can only see one baby and an empty sac measuring 7 weeks. It looks as though the other twin hasn't continue developing and has reabsorbed into your body."

I didn't know how to feel. I was shocked but relieved at the same time. I didn't know I had twins in the first place and I was more relieved to still have the one baby I knew about. It was only until a few days later that it kicked in and I felt the loss of the second twin.

To this day we will never know if it was a girl or another boy or if he would be identical to my baby boy, who by the way was born healthy at full term.

I've never experienced a miscarriage before but a loss is a loss. So to all the mamas out there who are grieving a loss but celebrating their survivor, don't be afraid to speak up about your feelings. Talk about them or seek help if you feel you need it. There is support for all types of miscarriages and child loss.