Motherhood

Motherhood is one of the craziest and wildest rides I have been on in my life. Leading up to the birth of my son, everything was perfect; pure joy and excitement. Then he was born 1 month early and that brought on a whole other set of challenges most mothers and fathers wouldn't ever wish upon even their worst enemy. 1 1/2 months in the NICU just waiting to be able to hold our baby boy. Finally we were able to bring him home and use our stroller, carseat, blankets and our own clothes purchased for him. The days do have their highs but there is a constant worry that I am not doing enough or being the best mother I can be. It does get hard at times but there isn't a thing in the world I would trade my little miracle baby for or change how we have lived with him so far, even though it has had its ups and way more downs. Post partum depression, stress, lack of sleep and anxiety all combined together like a poorly made soup does not discriminate. Even the best mothers and mothers of more than one child are still chosen with this horrible mental state. It is something that I am learning to grow through and learn to handle. The hardest step of the entire reality of having this mental chemical imbalance was accepting it and realizing that I needed help. It took a long discussion with my boyfriend, my baby's father, to realize that I need to be a better me, so in return I can be a better mother to my son. This statement was one that really hit home during our conversation; 'you cannot pour into others from an empty cup', it really resonated with me and made me understand that I need to fix myself before I try and raise an entire human. Thankfully I have found FB groups, friends, and family who have dealt with it first hand and have been helping and allowing me to realize that it is okay to feel this way.

Things are getting better, slowly and surely. It isn't something that I notice overnight for sure. But over the course of about 4 months of my son being alive, I have noticed that I am happier, more positive, and motivated. I am determined to be a better mother and am not afraid to ask for help if I feel that the treatment I currently have isn't working as well or if I think I need to change the approach. My family and friends have noticed how I have blossomed like a flower in spring in a way. I am slowly becoming my old self pre-pregnancy, I am looking forwards to events, hanging with friends and even work now. Postpartum depression is something that I feel changes you in a way that no other experience can. The lack of control you feel is overwhelming, knowing that you cannot change your mindset on your own, but then again it is not something to be scared of because why would their medication and treatment plans for it if it is something rare. This is the part of pregnancy and birth no one talks about, they only discuss how the baby is getting along, sleeping, growing etc; but there is far less questions asked to the mother and even the father at times about how they are doing. This is a topic that needs to be openly discussed without feelings of guilt or shame. It is a normal and more common than most people think. It is a shame that it is not discussed more and taken care of. It is shown that many mothers have symptoms but don't realize what it is, they just believe that it is just baby blues or just the pure exhaustion of having a newborn and learning to become a mother.

When a baby is born so is a mother, and just the same, they are still learning how to navigate this crazy world in the new roles taken on.