Granny's deed

Good deeds..what are they? What do they mean? They are little signs of love, and loyalty. I feel my life with luck and good deeds never seem to come my way..not anymore..not in awhile few and far between.But, its times like this when you get to reminisce and de-clutter those memories I have fought in my head back and forth about if there is a God and why is it so hard to believe. which II find myself fighting battles in my mind that make me a disbeliever. I was baptized and was in awanas when I was a kid and, that seems to push me farther and farther away. I let shit get the best of me and let a lot of people down and probably fucked people up, but, I always knew one thing that would never change and that was “ grandma is always right”. And i'm not saying that in mean context , she was the sweetest but could be so salty happy go lucky. she was the glue in family. she just never once had a recurring thought of the glass half=empty, because she was so half-full. She made it through numerous brain surgery's. And they weren't minor. 11 aneurysms clipped, shunt put in, feeding tube, in our family she taught us to fight. she healed us, she fought for us, and she prayed about it all. so I will say this, i'm more of a scientist then a preacher. that being said, The one thing I struggle with the most is “god” and this good deed is about prayer. I was very insecure when I was a child and my self esteem wasn’t very strong. I was super hard on myself (still am), but one of the only people in my life that rooted for me was my grandma carol. and She was hilarious!! This little sweet old lady, with a middle finger behind her back towards my dad on thanksgiving, and through-out all the shit, her prayers keep me going and keep my optimism forever. Small back story: I grew up in the hospitals for my close family and my dad, because of his own shit, was an alcoholic so I felt super alone. So when I was trying out for soccer teams or holding my mom’s hair while she was getting through colon cancer. my grandma would pray that “ Please let kelsie gets on the AAA u-9 soccer team”, and bam woke up the next day and had a call from the coach and I made it. Thanks granny. I was always told when my grandma prayed for whatever reason I just knew things were gonna be alright and that’s what life is about; beautiful, optimistic thoughts. In return with the same. You definitely get what you give and vice versa. Who really knew was she was muttering in her prayers, or whether or not it was “ God”. The deed fathems me. but hey, I made soccer teams id been dying to get on (thinking in my head there's no way in hell.)and my mom alive and healing, got to attend almost all my games . I probably still don’t believe in god, but I believe prayer and a power greater then us. I strongly believe in good karma,or, “deed” and that nothing should be for granted. Not every good deed is meant for other people to see but to feel loved for second or 2. Now, my grandma passed a few years ago and I feel I don’t have much people to talk to. As I held her hand when she took her last breathe, as I closed her eyes, I look to the sky, now knowing shes my higher power. Shes who I get to talk to when I pray it forward. Love miss you granny!!