Fake Love
What hurts the most is you thought it was real.
Fuck. 10 years later. 10 years. 10 years it took me to realize that I fell in love with an idea. 10 years of abuse. Hate. Hurt. Lies. Cheating. Bruises. 10 years of waiting for my Husband. 10 years of loving my Husband. 10 years, 3 kids + mine = 4 kids and 10 years of Trauma Bond.
Nothing has made me feel more worthless than the realization that 10 years has gone by, and I convinced myself everyday that my husband loved me.
Nothing has hurt me more than realizing that everyday for ten years, my drive to make my marriage work so I can be happy, was the result of a trauma bond to a narcissist.
Textbook. To the T. Nothing screams trauma bond to a narc than the last 10 years.
10 years ago, I met my husband, and fell in love with someone who loved me. Loved me so much, that he wanted to bring me to Hawaii with him and meet his mom after dating for a month. Who loved me so much, drove 6 hours every weekend to see me. Who loved me so much asked me to marry him 5 months after meeting.
Finally! A man who wants to protect and care for me and my 1 year old. A man who loved me so much, he was risking getting into trouble to see me. That must be love. A man who lied about his age, just to talk to me. He has to really like me. A man who loves me enough, that we don’t even live together, and he wanted to marry me. Me, a 23 year old single mother. And this 32 year old man, a military man, a responsible protector wants to marry me? Thank you lord. I am so lucky.
From the moment I was born, I was thrust into the world of broken homes and chaos. An alcoholic mother, and a pedophile father (who eventually was my rapist at the age of 8.) Taking care of siblings who were only years younger than I. Surviving an abusive stepfather, at least until he threw me against a wall and my mother sent me to live with my pedophile father. (I didn’t know this at the time, and only found out as an adult. He kidnapped our 14 yr old babysitter after impregnating her when I was 2 years old, along with myself and my siblings, so he can marry our 14 yr old babysitter without parental consent.) He spent a year in jail for that. Then after raping me, he spent 16 years in jail for that. My alcoholic mother became a homeless alcoholic after the rest of my siblings got put into foster care, then eventually became a paraplegic after almost dying. (Got kicked off a cliff on her birthday when another homeless man stole her bottle. A runner found her after she laid at the bottom of the cliff for three days. Close to death.)
You guessed it, foster care. My brother Donovan and I started foster care together, we had been living with my pedophile dad at the time in SC. When me moved back to Alaska, we were separated and sent to live in separate villages. While my oldest brother Scott, and younger siblings Ben, Tessie, and Shain, we’re in another city in a different foster home.
After my moms accident, Ben, Tessie, Shain, and I we’re permanently placed in the care of my aunt and uncle. Who I called my mom and dad.
We lived there until each of us graduated and moved out. 8 years of molestation, mistreatment, hate, neglect. My younger brother, even longer. My brothers raped by my sisters husband. My sister and I molested by our adoptive siblings. I raped by my boyfriends older brother who was my coach at the time.
Boy did it make me strong. Learned to choose to be happy. Learned to obey. Survive. Never bite the hand that feeds you.
After I graduated, I went to college, came home for the summer, ran into the arms of an alcoholic, got pregnant, gave birth, then left after my son turned 1. Went back to college, and met my husband 3 months after running away, 5 months later we were married. 10 years later, trauma bond.
It’s been a hard pill to swallow. I know I have to leave. I’m not happy, and it won’t ever come. I’m medicated for adhd and depression now. And recently started therapy and diagnosed with cpsd. I thought it would make me happy. I thought my past has kept me depressed and struggling to be a good wife, and mother. Turns out, I’m not happy because my husband is a textbook narcissist. It took me 5 years to learn that, and another 5 years to finally understand why it was so hard to leave.
About the Creator
Margaret Ferreira
I am a half breed. Yup’ik Eskimo, and Caucasian. I grew up for the majority of my life in Alaska, and a large part In Chevak Alaska. Currently 32, with 4 kids. A sahm. Adhd, depression, anxiety, ctsd, and finding myself.
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