Real Heartbreak

When you left, I was lost and confused. I had so many questions. I wanted so badly to turn back time and try harder to call you. I was so mad. So very mad. Not only mad at you but mad at myself. Because I was so far. Because I said mean things. Because I wasn't supportive enough. Above everything I was hurt. So hurt that I felt the pain in my heart, go up my throat and come out of my nose and mouth as cries of your name. I thought at first I must of been going crazy. I wanted to hear your voice so much, that I swear I could hear you calling me in silence. I thought I heard you trying to talk to me through a blaring radio. So as I drove the 370 miles to be with family and arrange your funeral, all I did was cry, and scream your name. I wanted to believe so bad, that if I called for you hard enough, you would appear next to me and tell me good bye.

Never have I ever wanted to believe in ghosts so much, that EVERYTIME I thought I heard something in silence, I looked over hoping to see you.

I think of you everyday still. Sometimes all day.

Slowly, my pain that was once so intense, dulls. Still an achy feeling, I don't think will ever dissipate. I still have questions that will never be answered, and the longing to go back in time is still strong like June 3 2016.

Even though I tell you everyday, I love you Donovan Anderson. I hope one day, I will see you again. I hope you will be waiting for me. And I will meet you where we left off. I know for the rest of my life the pain of knowing you are not walking the earth will be present. But I slowly am accepting it. I am slowly getting stronger again. I'm sorry.

I've done some thinking. I am positive that one day I will see you. I know you believed in God. I know you would of asked for forgiveness. At first, I used to think that the song, "Dancing in the sky," was not something you would want others to remember you for. Now as I listen to it almost daily, I hope you really are dancing in the sky. Because heaven has nothing but joy for you. I hope you are singing in the Angels choir, because to sing freely and with love lets me know you are truly happy, with no more pain and fear.

I wrote the above, not long after you passed, and now I’ve come to end it.

Today is Nov. 25, 2024. I remember the day we buried you pretty clear. More specifically, when we, your friends and family dug your grave near the river in the little cemetery behind grandmas house in Tununak, Alaska. I looked up across the river and saw an eagle, sitting and watching us. I knew it was your spirit, because Tununak is not exactly the place you expect to see an Eagle. I had my doubts but I knew.

This thought came to mind as I was sitting next to our camp in Maine. The same camp you and I went to and made memories. As I sat I saw an eagle fly across the sky right above me, and at the same time, our neighbors were blasting, “dancing in the sky.”

Maybe I never needed a goodbye. You never left. You have always been here.