Watching Twilight For The First Time

This is sort of weird for what an avid reader of young adult fiction I was back in my teens, but I never actually read much of Stephanie Meyer’s famous Twilight. I briefly borrowed one of the books from my cousin, skimmed a few pages, and then gave it back because I didn’t like it. And that’s where it ended for me.

I know a couple of things. I know that Bella is the main character, and I know she ends up in a love triangle situation with Edward, a vampire, and Jacob, a werewolf. I remember when the Internet furiously debated being Team Edward or Team Jacob. And that’s about the extent of my Twilight knowledge.

So jumping into this movie, I didn’t really know what to expect, but I figured it would end up being a corny, edgy, potentially cringey experience.

And boy, was I correct.

The movie starts off with Bella Swan, our teenage protagonist, moving to a tiny new village called Forks with her dad, who she hasn’t seen or lived with for a while. I don’t remember why she moves away from her mom; it doesn’t really matter. Her step-dad moves around a lot because of his baseball career, so maybe it was that. Whatever—not important.

So, here’s the thing. I’ve often heard Ms. Bella Swan being described as an awful character—and yeah. Yeah, no, she totally is.

Bella, I’m sorry. I tried. I went in with an open mind and tried my hardest to like you, to see something in you, but it just didn’t work. I do, unfortunately, dislike you very, very much.

Bella is, to put it bluntly, one of the most dull, vapid, cringe-worthy protagonists I’ve ever had the misfortune of watching on my screen. She is flat-out unintelligent, insignificant, and uninteresting. The story will tell you she is intelligent, because she does well in school, but that is where it all ends. She is not smart in any other way; we don’t even see her do well in school, we’re just told that she does do well. Telling instead of showing should be the title of this movie, man. My goodness.

Bella does not have any interests, hobbies, or a personality, which is bad, but it’s made infinitely worse by the fact that the movie will act like she does. She’s so boring, yet everyone around her treats her like she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. She is very pretty, sure, but we’re really suspending our disbelief here, because every character at the new school will fawn over her like she’s the most beautiful girl in the world, and they all have crushes on her or want to be her best friend. She’s so awkward, even unpleasantly so, but no one ever cares or points it out because she’s just so goddamn great. It’s main character syndrome from not only the character but the story itself, and that’s never good. God, it’s so dumb.

What makes Bella unique and her own person? Oh, she’s clumsy. She’s awkward. She doesn’t dance, she’s not good at sports, and she’s not great at being super social. She’s cringey, guys. Her main personality trait is that she’s cringey. Literally.

And that’s fine to an extent, because Bella is supposed to be relatable. She’s a high school girl—of course she’s cringey. Of course she’s awkward. She’s a clear self-insert character for the two hot dudes, and that’s perfectly okay. But man, has she disappointed thus far in being so devoid of anything else besides that shabby, over-dramatic relatability through her awkwardness.

Not to mention—Kristen Stewart’s acting in this movie is absolutely terrible. And that’s no hate to Stewart—I know for a fact this is a woman who can really act, so I was kind of surprised at how terrible the performance was. Maybe it was her first?

None of the acting in this film is particularly good, but it’s especially egregious on her part. She does this thing where her mouth is always constantly open, and it’s very noticeable and quite odd. She’s also always biting her lip—another check on the cringey, edgy checklist, I guess. And her voice is so monotone and emotionless that it’s hard to believe in the things she says, or that she cares about the things she says.

But that’s enough about Bella—let’s move onto Edward. The vampire. The star.

Sorry, guys—he’s terrible, too.

He is. I know it’s cool to be Team Edward for whatever reason and Jacob is/becomes abysmal as a character, and hey—that just might be the case. But Edward is a terrible character so far. He’s creepy, he’s mopey, he’s so melo-dramatic. And he’s given so many dumb moments where he’s trying to hide or conceal himself from Bella while not being able to stay away from her, and it’s just so corny and overly possessive and awful. He’s way too dark and brooding and edgy for me to even take seriously.

Also, one of his vampire powers—a “downside” of them, if you can even call it that—is that he sparkles in sunlight.

Now: you know it, I know it. Let’s say it together: it’s dumb.

And I have to bring up the age gap. I have to. I know I’m supposed to suspend my disbelief and believe that Edward is seventeen, and has been seventeen for a long time. Hey—I don’t. I don’t believe that. Sorry, I literally do not believe him.

He’s lived over a hundred years. With lived experience comes maturity. I don’t care that he looks seventeen, because he doesn’t act seventeen. He doesn’t come across as just as mature as Bella. He constantly babies her, tells her to stay away from him because he’s dangerous and not what he seems—yet he still continuously seeks her out because… she smells good? And the animal inside him roars at the sight of her. It’s repulsive. Get a grip, man. Go be a groomer someplace else that isn’t in front of my face. Oh my god, this movie is terrible.

And hey: he’s been in high school in different places for a hundred years—why? Why not keep a low profile somewhere else? Oh, because there’s no hot teenagers for this one hundred year old vampire to fall in love with in those other places? Only adults? Got it. You’re a creep, dude.

It’s so dumb. It’s such an excuse to write weird age-play stuff. But that’s just vampire romance in general, so I won’t go too hard on Meyer for that in particular. It’s always going to be icky.

But even trying my best to look past that, there is no chemistry between the two characters at all. The chemistry that is there is weird, creepy, and straight up uncomfortable. It’s the worst example of forbidden love I’ve potentially ever seen, because where’s the love? It’s just two super awkward, bad characters being awkward and bad in two different ways. I knew before watching that the movies had some bad and corny moments, but I didn’t know there would be such terrible chemistry between the actors themselves.

I don’t even want to talk about the plot. It’s bad. The villains are uninspired and uninteresting. By the end, Bella’s fine. Edward’s obviously fine. It all does not matter. For a story about a bunch of vampires—god, I’m bored.

You could say only reason the Cullens are interesting is because Bella is so goddamn boring—and you wouldn’t really be wrong.

And it’s not only the main characters that suck. Pretty much none of the characters are very good so far, I have to say. If I had to pick a favorite so far, I’d either say Bella’s dad, Edward’s dad, or Jacob. Jacob’s dad, even. When a dad is the best character, and the story isn’t about a dad, that’s just sad.

Compliments—let’s see what I can come up with here.

I think the atmosphere, as depicted in the movie and I’m sure the book as well, is a clear reason the series was as popular as it was. It’s dark and spooky and as sinister as a YA book turned movie is going to get, and I can appreciate that darkness. I think Twilight has a very particular vibe that I can understand the appeal of. I don’t love when they slap that weird pale blue filter on everything, but besides that, the visuals and atmosphere were pretty cool. The special effects were decent too, at least for the time. I’m not mad at them.

The vampires were okay. They’re pretty broken—they have super speed, are vastly powerful, and everything about them is alluring to top it all off. They’re not good characters so far, but their powers are neat. Alice and Edward’s dad are the only decent ones; the rest, in this movie at least, are trash. And I won’t hear any arguments.

The Cullens having individual powers is an interesting idea, though I have a sneaking suspicion they’re going to mess up the whole mind reading/future prediction powers and do something stupid with them. I don’t trust Stephanie Meyer with such cool and complex powers and concepts, but they are still cool—for now.

Something that took me aback, though, was how good the soundtrack was? Radiohead, Paramore, The Black Ghosts, Muse—like… wow, okay, Twilight. Genuinely a really solid soundtrack.

Anyway, Twilight was bad, and it was actually way worse than I thought it was going to be. I don’t know if I expected a better story. Maybe I just expected it to be funnier? It was really rough, guys.

I don’t think I’d ever watch any of the sequels, at least not out of any sense of want or desire. But maybe I will one day, just to tear them apart. But look at me being a pessimist—maybe they’re actually way better. Who knows?

Have you guys seen Twilight? Have you read it? Leave a comment about what you thought of it!

Thanks for reading! ♥️🧛‍♂️