turning a piece of coal into a diamond

This idea has been floating around my head for a week, but considering the topic, I've been hesitant to type it into existence.

Here's a small, very rough excerpt.

Dwayne watches Penelope as she attempts to grab hold of the dandelion seed floating above her. There is a look in his eye, one I've noticed for a while through the haze of PTSD and pregnancy hormones.

"Dwayne..."

"I love you." He turns to look at me. "I've loved you for a long time. I love how strong you are. I love that you don't need me, even if a lot of people think you do. I love how open your heart is, that it would allow people that could be reminders of what happened to you last year to enter your life. I can only hope that your heart would allow me to be another person to be in yours and in Penelope's life."

Before I start correcting this, I should mention the idea.

While there is already a content warning on this, I am also putting one here.

The main character, Alayna, is a semi-popular indie author and poet, who starts talking to Dwayne, a well-to-do animator and artist, on social media. For some unknown reason, these two vault-like people find themselves able to be open about things they wouldn't discuss with anyone else like her mental health and body image struggles, and what type of man his father really was. In time, they meet in person, doing an interview together at a book convention. However, later that night, Alayna falls victim to a serial killer who assaults and then murders his victims. She manages to escape with her life, and the man is arrested and put in jail. Unfortunately, Alayna finds her life forever changed, especially when she finds out she's pregnant.

I want this story, despite the darker undertones, to be one of hope and strength for those who have be through such a horrible thing, to let them know they are survivors every day they keep going.

But as you can see in the excerpt, this in itself is a love story, though, this is definitely not those you would find in a fairytale. Not unless we're talking about one of the Grimm Brothers iterations, then this might hit a little closer to home.

Now specifically for this excerpt, this is what I want to accomplish.

1. Alayna's prior knowledge of Dwayne's feelings - I want this story to be a slow burn, but despite what Alayna has been dealing with, I don't want her to be completely oblivious to Dwayne's feelings for her. I do really like the use of the phrase "through the haze." It indicates how strong her struggles with PTSD and excess hormones are, but it wasn't so much that she hadn't noticed.

2. "I don't need you, I want you." - I've always loved this sentence. I think it shows how much you love someone when you want them in your life, even if your life would be just fine without them. But as much as I like a self-aware man knowing a woman doesn't need him, I want this to come from Alayna. I think it will hit the reader, me included, more powerfully to read Alayna's journey reach this climax of being stronger than before the assault. Yes, she does not need Dwayne to help her continue to cope with it or help her raise Penelope, but she wants him there because she loves him.

3. A sense of finality - Maybe it's just me, but I feel this needs to be at the close of the story. (Yes, this would definitely be a sloowwwww burn romance.) While of course, that maybe hard to accomplish in this excerpt, I want it to have this feeling of...well, you know when the music grows into this powerful climax at the end of the movie? I want this to be the start of the music building, until it all leads to the final kiss in front of a gorgeous sunset before it all fades to black and the credits roll.

4. More details - One thing I've had to learn over is the balance between being detailed and being precise. Details are great to help the reader imagine the scene or feeling, but you don't want to go on and on, repeating the same detail multiple times during a story. The reader (and I) will get bored.

With these things in mind, here is the edited, lengthier excerpt.

Dwayne, pensively sits down beside me on the deck, watching Penelope gleefully grasps for the firefly floating above her. There's something about the way he's looking at her, a look I've noticed directed my way, even through the haze of PTSD and pregnancy hormones. Then, I thought I was reading too much into those looks, crafting fairytales from polite smiles and genteel kindness.

Broken understood broken, and that's all there was to it. Besides, it would have been cruel to toss the shell I was then on him, burdening him with making me whole.

"Dwayne, can I ask you something?"

Offering a finger for Penelope to hold, almost like he was silently telling her that she had his attention too, his eyes lock with mine, letting me know I had his attention.

"Why did you stay through everything?" The constant freak-outs in the beginning. My adverse reactions to even the thought of being touched. My nightmares that trickled into my waking hours.

"Because I love you both," he declares matter-of-factly.

"All that you did, I never asked for any of it."

"You didn't have to."

"I didn't need you to."

"I know."

For a few seconds, there is only the sounds of the crickets playing the night's gentle serenade.

"I don't need you, Dwayne." I didn't. While I leaned on him for support during the worst moments, I made myself whole again. I could, and had already started, raise Penelope alone.

But just because I knew I was fine on my own didn't mean I had to live alone with just Penelope.

"But I want you, a..nnd," he moves in closer, holding both me and my daughter, "I love you too." Tears roll down my face, and I know I'm quickly turning into a splotchy mess. But love and awe remain written in his star filled eyes, as they always have through the past hellish year.

Thankfully for me, and for this miracle in my arms, part of my motivation for my life long odyssey, Dwayne's love will never die like the stars will eventually.

And it is under those stars that Dwayne whispers, "can I kiss you, Alayna?"

"Yes, Dwayne," and before our lips meet for the first time, I stop him. "Thank you. Thank you for being the kind of man to ask."

"I'll always ask."

"Even if we're old and gray."

Dwayne leans in. "Especially then."

Then we kiss, while Penelope follows my example, chasing the light, so that all of us can twinkle in the starlight together.

Much better, and I especially love this beautiful blend of strength and vulnerability from Alayna. This makes me think if I decide to keep going with this story someday, that this will be for a chapter from Alayna's perspective. Actually, I have a thought of having most of the story from her perspective, because while this is a love story, it is more importantly a story of her healing from a traumatic experience and adapting to the curveball she was handed.

Maybe I'll keep going with this piece of coal, see what diamond comes from it.