Fast and Dirty Editing - Pre-Prepared, Pre-Packaged Pleasure

So I thought as a last entry for the Self-Editing Epiphany Challenge, I'd partake in what I am calling "Fast and Dirty Editing". What do I mean by "Fast and Dirty Editing"? Well, rather than drill down into the dos and don'ts of writing poetry, or worry about the format (aside from any formatting rules that need to be applied) I am going to take an existing piece I wrote for the Tautogram challenge, but published it too late to be accpeted for the challenge, from a couple of years ago. I am then going to decimate it, without labouring over it too much, and go through the changes as I make them in this critique.

The reason for taking this approach is because, like other writers (I suspect), I grow attached to pieces, especially those that are close to my heart or get under my skin. This P Tautogram is all about pornography addiction. That is a subject I have written about a lot in the past as it is something I am still fighting (the fighting never stops) against. Staying constantly vigilant. So when I originally wrote this, I likely felt very attached to it and wanted to preserve the word choices and ideas I had in my head.

Now two years down the line, it's time to take a hyper, quick and dirty, critical look at it and see what is left.

Here is the original and a link to the original, it's a really low scorer in terms of comments, likes and reads and sits near the bottom of my stats list, so any looks at the original piece through the link would be appreciated.

Pre-Prepared Pre-Packaged Pleasure

Pre-Prepared Pre-Packaged Pleasure

Pyschological and Physical

Penile

PIV

Perforating Punchering

Punctured Pieces

Perspective is Perception

Physiological the Partner

Pride in Potency

Pushing People

Play Part

Penetrating Powerful

Proficient

Profound Phenomenon

Propensity

Pounding and Pouncing

Pain is Private

Producing Predators

Producing Prey

Photographic Patterns

Pornography

Edited Version

Now to chop this bad boy down. I immediately see a huge glaring issue with the original. A Tautogram is only a Tautogram if it consists of words with the same first letter. There should be no other words with different first letters. So they immediately need to disappear.

So, without the sneaky non-P words here is how it reads.

Pre-Prepared Pre-Packaged Pleasure

Psychological Physical

Penile

PIV

Perforating Punchering

Punctured Pieces

Perspective Perception

Physiological Partner

Pride Potency

Pushing People

Play Part

Penetrating Powerful

Proficient

Profound Phenomenon

Propensity

Pounding Pouncing

Pain Private

Producing Predators

Producing Prey

Photographic Patterns

Pornography

So now it is actually a Tautogram. I also corrected a spelling mistake from the original, as "Pyschological" is not a word and should be "Psychological".

More can still be done though. So let's take another swipe at it.

Pre-Prepared Pre-Packaged Pleasure (I like this line because it immediately sets up that we ae discussing a form of pleasure that is manufactured.)

Psychological Physical (although punchy, this feels like just two words being pushed together because they have the same first letter and vaguely tie to pornography and the connected issues)

Psychological pulverisation (I think this a better line, as it has a more visceral quality to it and the word "psychological" connects to the harm continued and unchecked use of pornography can have on your mental state, while pulverisation feels quite a violent way to describe the psychological toll I causes)

Physical penile pummelling (I moved the physical down to this line because it fits better with the word penile, as in reference to masturbation, as does the word pummelling. When you use pornography so much, you aren't even thinking of the sexual act really, not even of the masturbation, just rushing towards that sexual high)

PIV (I am keeping this line and although I did think about changing it to an abbreviation like P.I.V. that would not be in keeping with the Tautogram ules. Hopefully, as the poem is about pornography, people will realise or research that PIV means, Penis-In-vagina and refers to one of the forms of sexual activity shown in a majority of pornography.)

Perforating Punchering (I have no idea why punchering is there, as it's not a word and I can't really think what I was getting at when I wrote it, even as a made-up word. Perforating also feels out of place, so I think I will get rid of this line completely.)

Punctured Pieces (The line before makes a bit more sense now, but I still think the idea of punctured pieces can be removed and the poem will have a better flow and the meaning won't be lost)

Perspective Perception (I like these words because it is bringing in the idea of how pornography can skew perception and perspective. However, on their own, they just read as two clever words.)

Pierced perspective, perception poisoned (With the addition of pierced and poisoned, these words have greater meaning and weight behind them)

Physiological Partner (I think I was trying to tie it back to my real-life partner, my wife, Ruth and my porn addiction's impact on her, but I don't feel this works very well, so for the time being I'm removing these words.)

Pride Potency (Ah, these are important words that need to remain in the poem because pride and potency can be impacted by misuse of pornography)

Pounded Pride, potency pilfered (I like the addition of pounded and pilfered to this line, so will keep it for now, as it highlights how pride can be pounded into the ground when you use pornography and your sexual potency is pilfered, stolen. They also match the line above in this formatting)

Pushing People (while I think I know what my intention was, I feel it's a bit abstract and should be omitted, so will be getting rid of this line)

Play Part

Penetrating Powerful (both these lines are powerful, but feel a little abstract. I will see if I can tinker with them and make them more impactful and in keeping with the theme and flow of the poem.)

Powerful Penetrations, Parting People

Practiced Patterns, Programmed Psyches

(Right now, these new lines feel like a better fit for the poem as they highlight the repetitive nature of porn and how people play parts, it's fiction, fantasy and not reality and how repeated viewing can become ingrained in your brain and form new neural pathways and connections to arousal. I also like the change from psychological to psyches as it reduces repetition of the same word.)

Proficient

Profound Phenomenon

(All of these words are good fits for the poem, but I think it would work better as one single line and I will swap phenomenon for perversion)

Proficient, Profound Perversion

Propensity (although a great word, it feels a little out of place, so I'll get rid of it)

Pounding Pouncing (I think these need to stay there because they again have a very visceral feel and add to the word pictures of the poem and the acts of sexual congress that are bastardised by pornography)

Pounding, Pouncing (adding a comma for a slight break, though)

Pain Private (I think my intention as to make it feel more poetic, but I think this line and these two words would work better the more grammatical correct way.)

Private Pain (the pain we feel after abusing pornography is not really one many people openly want to share. The shame can be damaging to our psyche and repeated and extended use can cause physical pain)

Producing Predators

Producing Prey

Photographic Patterns

Pornography

(The final section is perhaps the most striking and controversial part, but also one of the most important as I do believe pornography plays a part in creating unrealistic expectations within all genders and therefore you have people who become predators because they expect to have the experience they saw in porn, and people who become prey or victims because they feel they are doing what is expected, and even if they aren't, they've found themselves with someone who has a problem.)

Producing Predators. Producing Prey. Pornography Persists (I think photographic patterns can be omitted without losing the same meaning of the final lines.)

Fully Revised Version

So, fast and dirty editing complete. Here is the fully revised version:

Pre-Prepared Pre-Packaged Pleasure

Psychological Pulverisation

Physical Penile Pummelling

PIV

Pierced Perspective, Perception Poisoned

Pounded Pride, Potency Pilfered

Powerful Penetrations, Parting People

Practiced Patterns, Programmed Psyches

Proficient, Profound Perversion

Pounding, Pouncing

Private Pain

Producing Predators. Producing Prey. Pornography Persists

Final Thoughts

Overall, I am happy with my fast and dirty editing experience. I think the piece is a lot more powerful and impactful, sticks closer to my original intention and has smoother flow for the quick and dirty changes I made.