Mother Dearest

Anna watched through the square Plexiglass door window, waiting to catch a glimpse of her dead mother.

She didn’t have much time. Julian would be calling her cell any minute now. He was trying to play the role of Loving Husband perfectly, but just because Anna was pregnant didn’t mean she was fragile. The past three months proved she was anything but.

“Come on, come on,” Anna muttered through gritted teeth, lightly tapping her fingers against the sides of her growing belly. Anna hoped that the grin she was forcing would disguise the visible signs of tension forming at her brow. She not-so-casually glanced at the silver clock hanging above the door. When was lunchtime over at Senior Cove? The staff wouldn’t let her into the cafeteria until the residents were done eating their meals. “For privacy reasons,” the unhelpful front desk manager explained to Anna at the beginning of the tour she requested this morning.

This news shot straight to the pit of Anna’s stomach. She dutifully played along with the front desk manager knowing that Senior Cove’s mealtime was the perfect opportunity to search for her mother since every resident gathered there at the same time. Waiting outside the cafeteria wasn’t part of her plan, but this was Anna’s last chance to confirm if her mother was still alive. Anna’s mother’s name wasn’t in the resident’s directory, and since Anna was in no position to guess if her mother was using an alias, Anna knew she needed to see her mother face to face. After everything Anna sacrificed to get to this point, she now found herself struggling to identify her mother, who was pronounced dead 30 years ago, through a 6-inch window. Anna didn’t realize she’d been biting her lower lip until her cell vibrated in her purse.

It was Julian.

Anna let out a barely audible groan but forced herself to regain composure. Julian discovered her withdrawal from their savings account yesterday, the one built with the $20,000 Anna’s father left them in his will. Anna originally told Julian she was driving down the coast for a job this weekend, but once Julian caught wind of the withdrawal, he knew Anna didn’t have plans on coming back. Maybe the one-way airline ticket to Fort Lauderdale was the biggest clue. Or maybe it was that she depleted the funds in just two transactions. Anna needed to collect the pieces of her past and this was something she needed to do without Julian’s incessant doubts.

Anna’s phone continued to buzz.

She knew that if she were to answer the call, Julian would continue to tell her that she was fostering this “wild delusion” in her mind. He would say that Anna wanted her mother to be alive now that Anna was about to become a mother herself later this year.

The reality was that Anna didn’t know what she wanted. Did she want to prove that she was lied to her entire life? She wasn’t so certain. Anna mostly believed that her mother was dead--there was a funeral for crying out loud. Anna clearly remembered the organ bellowing the final key of its somber hymn that day. She remembered feeling the remnant sounds of the organ’s echo sinking into her soul like black ink bleeding into the fibers of a blank page. She remembered feeling overwhelmed at the sense of finality. The end to a song, to a funeral service, to life. There’s the final note and then there’s nothing. If her mother was truly alive after all these years, it would bring even deeper questions than the ones Anna was already asking.

Her phone continued to buzz.

Anna decided to let Julian’s call go to voicemail. She didn’t sacrifice the relationship with her husband and her father’s life savings just to be halted by some phone calls. She refused to remain tangled in half-truths for the rest of her life. Anna set out to discover the truth, no matter what she’d find today.

As Anna adjusted her positioning to see more of the room through the window, Anna felt around in her purse for her mother’s wallet-sized photo to remind herself what she was looking for.

Despite its crumpled edges from living between the pages of her father’s notebook for three years, the face itself was absolutely preserved; A face clear as day but unrecognizable at the same time. Anna didn’t know how long ago the photo was taken. Based on the faded Senior Cove: Ft. Lauderdale watermark spattered on its back, Anna surmised that the photo wasn’t recent. Even if Anna could smooth talk her way into the cafeteria, would she even recognize her mother? More importantly, would Anna’s mother recognize her?

It was 3-ish months since Anna first discovered that photo. Her father’s secret had been hiding in a small black notebook that Anna hadn’t even known about until years after his death. Well, Anna knew her father was jotting notes down in a small black notebook when Alzheimer’s first began eating away at his memory, but she didn’t realize the significance of the items her father urged himself to remember.

The notebook had been sitting in the back of his bedroom closet inside a weathered shoebox, buried under scattered receipts, appointment reminder cards and some out-of-date gadgets. The notebook had a soft black cover and thin, silky-smooth lined pages. When Anna first read the initial pages of her father’s notebook, Anna imagined him running his fingers along the edge of the pages’ rounded corners just as she had done. The first few pages of her father’s notebook were filled with notes like, “Took pill at 2pm” or “Call Laura back”. Over time though, the types of notes that filled his pages reflected the stark decline of his memory. He began recording things like, “Oldest daughter’s name: Anna” and “You have 2 sons, 1 daughter”. Suddenly, or maybe not so suddenly, the remaining few pages of his notebook were never filled at all. Anna remembered shuffling through the pages in eager bliss, carefully reading each page so she could soak up the last details of her father’s life. When Anna finally flipped to the page about her mother, she skipped right over it. The page appeared to be blank with a small scribble in the lower right corner, which was not unusual for a page that lived towards the back of the notebook. When the scribble turned out to be Anna’s mother’s initials, her quest to reveal a potentially family-shattering secret began.

Anna’s daze about her discovery was interrupted by distant voices coming from the long L-shaped hallway adjacent to the cafeteria. Anna shoved her mother’s photo back in her purse and craned her neck to the right so she could see what the fuss was about. Julian, Anna thought to herself.

“Your wife hasn’t signed out yet,” Anna heard the front desk manager say from afar, guiding Julian in Anna’s direction. Anna began to hear the click-clacking noise from the front desk manager’s impractical high heels as she and Julian headed down the hallway. Anna did not want to face Julian, not right now at least. She was so close to getting her answer.

"Julian, not now," Anna hissed under her breath, before abruptly turning her back to her husband and walking hurriedly in the opposite direction.

“Anna!” Julian called out from behind her. Anna briefly looked back at Julian for just enough time to see him start moving his arms side to side like an Olympic track runner picking up speed.

Anna’s scurrying quickly transformed into a slow jog which Anna had to admit was pretty good for a pregnant lady. She didn’t care that the employees were giving her puzzled glances—she could hear the click-clacking noise getting closer and closer. She needed to figure out where to go next—and fast.

“Please stop shouting, you’re disturbing the residents!” The front desk manager exclaimed, inevitably falling behind Julian, unable to keep up the pace with her heels.

Anna didn’t turn around this time, but she was getting less hopeful every step she took. Julian was close behind her but was having less success weaving in and out of Senior Cove employees who cluttered the halls to figure out what the commotion was all about.

With nowhere else to turn, Anna boldly burst through a door labeled EXIT: EMPLOYEES ONLY. A rush of warm air greeted Anna as she stepped through and pulled the door shut behind her. As Anna leaned with her back against the door, she glanced at her surroundings which appeared to be the Senior Cove rooftop.

Anna took a deep breath as she felt tears well up in her eyes. Having her husband chase her in a nursing home today was not part of her plan. As Anna caught her breath, she was thankful for her brief escape but was still haunted by her father’s cryptic ramblings in the last moments he was ever lucid.

I was so close, Julian. I was so so close! Anna thought to herself in frustration.

As Anna ruminated in the silence that the rooftop gifted her, she began to smell the faint scent of cigarette smoke in the distance. This must be where the Senior Cove employees come out and get away from it all, Anna thought. She found herself wishing she wasn’t pregnant so she could have a cigarette, too. She could really use one right about now.

“Hey, want a smoke?” a raspy voice next to her asked. The voice came from a woman a few steps away from Anna who only glanced at her using her peripheral view, keeping her eyes locked on the sky directly ahead of her.

Anna’s eyes widened as she hadn’t realized she wasn’t alone out here. Anna lifted her head from its bowed position and put on a polite smile.

“No thanks, I don’t think the tiny human I’m growing likes Marlboros,” Anna offered jokingly, peeling her back away from the door to face the friendly woman as Anna rubbed her belly.

The woman exhaled her smoke away from Anna and chuckled. “Point taken. Congrats, by the way,” she said while continuing to gaze at the sky in front of her.

Anna chose to continue the friendly banter. She needed a distraction.

“Employee of the month? You’ve got lots of those pins,” Anna asked, noticing the accomplishments that decorated the woman’s vest.

“Yup, been here for over twenty years. It’s a good place, you know. If you’re lookin’ at it for one of your folks, we take good care of ‘em here.” The woman offered with a slanted smile.

“Twenty years? You must know a lot about this place,” Anna asked a little too eagerly. Twenty years! she thought to herself. This woman might have information that could help Anna get closer to her mother.

The woman took one final inhale from her cigarette and jabbed into the ashtray as she exhaled. She wiped her hands a few times on the front her jeans, cleaning them off to shake Anna’s.

“Hey, what did you say your name was again?” she asked, extending out her right hand.

Anna let out a toothy grin and outstretched her hand for a good old-fashioned shake. Anna cleared her throat to erase any indication that she’d been crying. “I’m –”

“—Anna?” The woman, now facing Anna completely, stared directly into Anna’s eyes.

The pair stood facing each other, hands locked in a handshake, utterly entranced.

Anna gulped.

“Mom?”

***

THE END