Word of the day: 嘘

I have been thinking of my first boyfriend lately. I mean I still have him on Instagram so I sometimes see his updates though he lives a pretty active life and doesn't post often so it isn't like always in my face. Probably like once every 2 months or something like that.

I do wonder if he ever thinks of me or if he has the same feelings I have from time to time. I doubt it though. I think he is married or has someone in his life based off of his posts, and he lives all the way in the Netherlands having a great life.

I feel a bit jealous but it kind of melts away into being happy for him pretty quick. I think if I have any jealous feelings that linger, it is more looking at my own life: living with my mom, in the same room when I dated him. I have no career, not enough money to even live alone without government assistance. Usually this is the kind of ending we wish on the villains of our lives. Was I the villain? I guess, if that's the case, karma is being kind to me with what I have now. Somehow...

I have been trying most of my life to try to figure out how to get out of the trap but I somehow I fell into it over time. I wish I knew what I did wrong so I can correct it. Do I need to finish school? Do I just run away? I don't know any of the answers. I feel like going back to school might be a lie in itself since it will just hunker me down even more but, I need to replace my emptiness with something.

I also think, I did live life without him too. I have loved others, had my own small adventures, so it isn't like I stood completely still during this time.

I was talking to my mom about her one friend who I feel is bitter and too sarcastic, but if you look at her life, it makes sense. Her sister was more ambitious and lived a full life, while she was more 'meek' or timid in exploring the world. I think her bitterness comes from that, but also I guess my mom said her husband died. I don't think that is the only reason though, it is probably what makes her sad. I worry that is my fate too, but I think I am trying to avoid that.

I was feeling so unsettled last week but writing this now and thinking of my mental state right now, it feels a bit more settled or I don't feel like I am crawling out of my skin. I love being in the Ether and I just like to sleep to connect to it when I can't while I am awake.

My Japanese skills are going down actually, I noticed. As I am not talking to really anyone lately. Also my Japanese was sort of used up in my manic state. I used to always switch to Japanese when I went into mania but that association is dangerous. To think my Japanese mind is crazier or some how unstable is kind of... I don't know. It might create a barrier to learning any language which is something I have always enjoyed doing. I think it is more that I have this mind that wants to travel and I am forced to stay in one place that my heart doesn't really belong to.

I honestly feel that is what my bipolar is.