Word of the day: しくしく

I was pacing my room, reminding me of my time in jail. that realization made me think, " am I in jail right now? " and made me worry. I quickly grabbed my old schedule book from last year and flipped to what happened this time this year. I saw it on the day, the 10th is my dad's birthday. It then sort of washed over me to be a little bit kinder to myself right now since this isn't an easy time of year for me.

I guess I have just been so busy I didn't really realize what's going on.

Just crying but slowly feeling better.

Reading that entry gives me some solace.

I've been pacing a lot lately though. I notice I can't really sit still so much so, I wonder if I can't settle down in this house or if it is biological now. It could even be my medication which is annoying to think. I was hoping I wouldn't have any side effects so I wouldn't need to go through stupid "adjustments" and such. I don't really care for the medication, I just take it because it is a rule for me to live with my mom.

My creative outlet is automatic writing as a way to connect to the spiritual realm because all my previous ways have been a bit too destructive.

It has been weird lately, I get surges of downloads sometimes and other times I can't make sense of it and it is really just gobbly gook. I think my period sort of affected the results.

I thought about possibly posting it online but really it isn't for other people's eyes really. Not that it is anything bad or I am ashamed, but it just wouldn't be as coherent as my stream of consciousness writing I do on here. Plus, people think that this is too chaotic as it is, I doubt anyone would value the insights I get on my downtime.

I am just sort of struggling to sleep at night lately. I am really grateful for the student I have right now. It gets me out of the house and I can feel a bit productive and save up some money.

I feel extra fancy switching from Russian and Japanese Voice clips, though I do feel my Japanese is quite rusty, and I might be sort of hesitant to talk in it since I was sexually harassed by a Japanese man last night.

I just am milking any sort of normalcy or some sort of interesting moment in my day because I feel like it probably won't last. Though on the 17th there is going to be Mars in Leo so I guess were going to get a surge of energy and determination so, that will be useful. The last time astrologically that happened with Leo, I was really happy that day so I am looking forward to even just one happy day in the future.

It is almost time for me to read the helicopter book with my student so, I am just waiting for time to pass.

It was pretty nice, time went by perfectly well and I am feeling like we just need to focus on the book so, I am not going to worry about preparing my own lessons for stuff. We're just going to focus on him passing his test.

I have also decided that I am going to fast on Sundays, just drinking water and praying/meditating on stuff. I need at least one day to decompress and focus on myself and rest. I think it will do my body good.