Humanity
A little broken
Someyimes I look back at all of the relationships that I’ve had and realize how much of my time I wasted. I was never in love with anyone that I was ever with. I feel like that I trauma bonded with one and the others were just to fill a void that I was feeling at that moment. I always got bored with them very quickly. My first serious relationship was very toxic and abusive, to say the least. I feel like the only reason why I got out of that one was because he ended up getting arrested and sentenced to 19 years in prison. I realized that the universe saved me from continuing on with that relationship. He still thinks that we are meant to be together. Which means that he has developed a severe mental disorder while being in prison. Not only did he physically abuse me, he cheated on me…and lied about it even though the female told me about it. When he finally confessed, it was just last year. Mind you, we broke up in 2008. He still claims that it ONLY happened one time but the female had told me it went on for a whole year. He even still defends her to this day. To top it off, he was in love with this female before we even started dating. I dated around for a while but didn’t have a another “serious” relationship until 2010. That relationship sucked as well. I worked a lot and he was on SSI. He didn’t feel the need to work because he didn’t want to lose he punk ass $700 a month. He did nothing but play video games all day, smoke weed and do a bunch of stupid shit with his friends. That lasted for a year and I found out he also cheated on me. I ended knowing the female he cheated on me with and we ended having a nice conversation. She didn’t even know he had a live in girlfriend, so I couldn’t even be mad at her. Needless to say, he is very much a drug addict and has been in and out of jail since we broke up. Then I met my ex-husband who was basically the Puerto Rican version of the guy before him. On SSI, smoked weed all day but refused to work. I saw potential in him because he had so many talents. He could draw very well, was very good at impressions and very good with the visual effect magic. I always tried to get him to do more with his life and turn one of his talents into a career, but he lacked motivation. We ended up having two children together, but that didn’t make him want to be better. He still wanted to be a party animal and do whatever he wanted to do. I tried to help him for a while. We would separate and get back together a few times and it seemed like each time, he just got worse. I was oblivious to he obvious drug addiction and him being an alcoholic. I finally gave up on him 3 years ago after going back and forth for 7 years. At the end of it all, I realized that it really wasn’t worth it and he claims that he never loved me anyways. He said that he felt pressured to be with me for the simple fact I told him that if I wasn’t married by the time I was 30 that I would never marry. I was 28 when I had said this to him. He says that at the time he felt that if he didn’t marry me, he would lose me. He lost me anyways because he chose to be a lifetime party animal. He said to my face that he would rather get high and drunk whenever he wanted to and not be scolded for it and that he was never ready to be a father or husband. He said that he wanted to live his life the way that he wanted to without me nagging him. So I let him go. The things that he was doing was affecting my children because he would rather pawn all of our belongings and sell his food stamps and not feed my children. I say “mine” because he has proven that he doesn’t care to be a father to them. He has proven too many times that him getting high and drunk was always more important than taking care of his family. My children started asking questions that I wasn’t ready to answer, but had to because I never lie to them. Questions that a six year old should never have to ask about their father. I had another brief and regretted relationship after that and he was the same way. He did work, but only to support his habits. I found out that the jobs that he claimed to be temp jobs were just jobs he got fired from because he showed up drunk or high. I found out that he was the type of guy to charm his way into a woman’s house or apartment and be a leech. On top of being very disrespectful, he also cheated on me. I started to realize a pattern and that I need to just be alone for a while and focus on taking care of my children. I now have been single for a year and it has been the most peaceful year that I’ve had in 15 years. Even though I fee as though I have wasted half my life worrying about these men that needed me to survive while I was in theirs lives, I also feel as though it has made me a stronger person. I am more observant and very protective of my space and people that I allow into my life now. I do have trust issues because of the relationships I allowed myself to be abused in, but now I teach my girls what to look for and to respect themselves enough to know the difference between love and abuse. I don’t know if I will ever be ready to be in a relationship ever again because of the experience I’ve had. I have a wall up and I’m very scared to let someone close to me.
By Ruby Moonstone4 years ago in Confessions
Blue & Red Makes Purple
"When I was... a young girl... my father... took me into the city... to see a marching band." Actually, my father didn't do that because he's in prison. I just wanted to relate to my audience starting on a high note (g-note to be exact). The last part is true though. It is an irrevocable fact that I was, indeed, a young girl.
By Leanna Hill Vanderford4 years ago in Confessions
Ghost Baby
A heartbeat. It's the pulse that brings things to life. Or ends it. Our little clock that is in time with the world we are living in. The energy of it warms our blood to flow, and fills our bodies with the energy we absorb from its movement. The heart is earth. Blood is water and fire. Oxygen is the clean air we need to breathe to keep stepping on.
By Danielle Mullineaux4 years ago in Confessions
A moment with hope.
Around this time last year, I wrote about hope. I was angry and hurt. Life was just dark and dreary. The days endless and the nights evolving into scenes of helplessness. I was exsiting only because I had to. Because of responsibility and need. I existed. But I didn’t live. I couldn’t laugh. Anger simmered within every part of me. And hope, that elusive light of possibility. It seemed to be a cruel, unfair privilege that I had no use for. I didn’t want to hope. Because at that time, everything was dark. I couldn’t see a way out. There was no light. Just the daily grind filled with a sense of overwhelming helplessness that weighed down my existence. I worked, took care of my kids and fell asleep with an unsettling feeling of wishing tomorrow would never come.
By Chaosstar4 years ago in Confessions
The Truth About Empathic Enabling
By: Amanda Spradlin 12/31/2021 Yes, you read the title right. We empaths sure have a way of breaking things down for everyone else. We can discuss their confusing behaviors. We can explore their level of emotional maturity, but very rarely are we willing to admit our own role of participation. We enable and sometimes even encourage others to continue choosing things that do not serve them, or us, by over-extending our compassion. Sometimes, the best help we can give someone, is none at all, because that is the only way that they will have an opportunity to figure things out for themselves.
By Amanda Spradlin4 years ago in Confessions
Created Feelings
I had this happen to me, and it still has no ending, even though for myself it already ended, but the way I live, I can tell the ending hasn't occurred yet. Like I could never think of half of the shit that has happen in my life recently, it's just what I am experiencing. I have no free will, and this is my experience with created feelings.
By I am me Amanda Nissen/Champion4 years ago in Confessions
LOCK OPEN BY MIND
The story is of a man who could open any lock. Whether it was the lock of the safe, the lock of the jail or the lock of the house, no matter how high the security lock was, he used to open it. People used to wonder how he could do this. So one day an event was held, a challenge was placed that that person would open the lock of a chamber and come out of it, he would be locked inside the chamber and lock that chamber and put it in the swimming pool will be filled with water.
By Mohit Chawla4 years ago in Confessions
How to be a F*ck*ng Fairy Princess?
When I was 7, my primary school teacher asked us to write in a few sentences who we want to be when we grow up. I came home very excited about the assignment and I told my mum I wanted to be a princess. She told me I couldn’t write such bullshit (she might have used different wording) and I should be more realistic. I should write about becoming a doctor. Since I was only 7 and didn’t know any better I listened to my mum and wrote down exactly what she told me to write. Sentence by sentence. Word by word…crushing my soul. To this day I remember how upset I was. How much I DID NOT want to be a doctor.
By Martyna Dearing4 years ago in Confessions
I'm Ok
Questioning the answer I’ve given allot lately. This is my confessions. Sometimes I lie to myself and say I'm ok. Most of the time I lie to others when I say I'm ok. The truth is I’m not ok, sometimes I just want to scream until I pass out. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to say, I'm not ok. I am twenty-seven years old and I just found out it is ok, to not be ok. I am now more aware of mental health. For years things I have felt I could not speak on. Due to my past, I was doomed at the age of 6 l. By the time I was 13 I had 3 sexual abusers haunting not only my dreams but my everyday life. Having to live in the world alone because I couldn’t trust anyone my mindset matured and my childhood was left behind quickly. I’m ok. I have repeated to myself through the years with tears running wild like ocean water down my face. I eventually blocked out my trauma enough to fail myself again. I trusted someone who I thought was an older brother figure to me. He became my 4th sexual abuser and yet I still have to continue to be Ok and remain a functional mess. But I’m proud to say I’m a step closer to being better because I acknowledge it. I know now that all those times I was not ok but I do want to be better than ok and that starts with the truth. I told my mom and dad what happened to me on December 2, 2021. I’m proud of myself. I came so far when I thought I would get nowhere. Some would say I was cursed because I now I'm a lesbian. But I do NOT think my sexual preference is based on what happened to me. In fact, I believe my sexuality is a blessing because I don't think a male could give me the love that was stolen from me the very first time my innocence became someone's option. The woman I fell in love with gave me the will to live honestly now more than ever now that my secret is out. It has been 6 years and throughout everything, she sits here comforting me using my love language and I cringe at the physical touch of anyone but welcome her's I am enveloped in peace. Saying what happened to me out loud is something I didn't think I would survive to do. I have social anxiety and can only be around certain people as well as if I do have people in my presence it's a limited amount of time. Now that I brought you up to speed with a few things that are going on in my life can you understand why I am now buckling down on my mental health, working on being around a family who should now see through my unauthentic smile, but has only shown me reasons why dealing with this alone could still be better. Both routes I have chosen are extremely difficult if I survived endless torture from others and myself for 21 years I think I owe it to myself to Live in my truth. I don't understand others' thought processes when it comes to this topic in but I can say there is no handbook on how to survive. There is no time frame on when you can speak your truth. Since the day you were born it was always supposed to be on our time and when we were ready. If you read this please understand it’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to feel how you feel and express yourself. It’s ok to still have hope and try again.
By D.A.M.N Ent.4 years ago in Confessions
Elevating The Mind
I have bad habits left and right, and most of them place themselves rent-free in the base of my brain, no matter how hard I shake my skull. In fact, it seems that the harder I try to get rid of the daunting above the tip of my spine, the more that they stick to me, and to the crevices of my brain that make me, well, me.
By Shyne Kamahalan4 years ago in Confessions
