Someyimes I look back at all of the relationships that I’ve had and realize how much of my time I wasted. I was never in love with anyone that I was ever with. I feel like that I trauma bonded with one and the others were just to fill a void that I was feeling at that moment. I always got bored with them very quickly. My first serious relationship was very toxic and abusive, to say the least. I feel like the only reason why I got out of that one was because he ended up getting arrested and sentenced to 19 years in prison. I realized that the universe saved me from continuing on with that relationship. He still thinks that we are meant to be together. Which means that he has developed a severe mental disorder while being in prison. Not only did he physically abuse me, he cheated on me…and lied about it even though the female told me about it. When he finally confessed, it was just last year. Mind you, we broke up in 2008. He still claims that it ONLY happened one time but the female had told me it went on for a whole year. He even still defends her to this day. To top it off, he was in love with this female before we even started dating. I dated around for a while but didn’t have a another “serious” relationship until 2010. That relationship sucked as well. I worked a lot and he was on SSI. He didn’t feel the need to work because he didn’t want to lose he punk ass $700 a month. He did nothing but play video games all day, smoke weed and do a bunch of stupid shit with his friends. That lasted for a year and I found out he also cheated on me. I ended knowing the female he cheated on me with and we ended having a nice conversation. She didn’t even know he had a live in girlfriend, so I couldn’t even be mad at her. Needless to say, he is very much a drug addict and has been in and out of jail since we broke up. Then I met my ex-husband who was basically the Puerto Rican version of the guy before him. On SSI, smoked weed all day but refused to work. I saw potential in him because he had so many talents. He could draw very well, was very good at impressions and very good with the visual effect magic. I always tried to get him to do more with his life and turn one of his talents into a career, but he lacked motivation. We ended up having two children together, but that didn’t make him want to be better. He still wanted to be a party animal and do whatever he wanted to do. I tried to help him for a while. We would separate and get back together a few times and it seemed like each time, he just got worse. I was oblivious to he obvious drug addiction and him being an alcoholic. I finally gave up on him 3 years ago after going back and forth for 7 years. At the end of it all, I realized that it really wasn’t worth it and he claims that he never loved me anyways. He said that he felt pressured to be with me for the simple fact I told him that if I wasn’t married by the time I was 30 that I would never marry. I was 28 when I had said this to him. He says that at the time he felt that if he didn’t marry me, he would lose me. He lost me anyways because he chose to be a lifetime party animal. He said to my face that he would rather get high and drunk whenever he wanted to and not be scolded for it and that he was never ready to be a father or husband. He said that he wanted to live his life the way that he wanted to without me nagging him. So I let him go. The things that he was doing was affecting my children because he would rather pawn all of our belongings and sell his food stamps and not feed my children. I say “mine” because he has proven that he doesn’t care to be a father to them. He has proven too many times that him getting high and drunk was always more important than taking care of his family. My children started asking questions that I wasn’t ready to answer, but had to because I never lie to them. Questions that a six year old should never have to ask about their father. I had another brief and regretted relationship after that and he was the same way. He did work, but only to support his habits. I found out that the jobs that he claimed to be temp jobs were just jobs he got fired from because he showed up drunk or high. I found out that he was the type of guy to charm his way into a woman’s house or apartment and be a leech. On top of being very disrespectful, he also cheated on me. I started to realize a pattern and that I need to just be alone for a while and focus on taking care of my children. I now have been single for a year and it has been the most peaceful year that I’ve had in 15 years. Even though I fee as though I have wasted half my life worrying about these men that needed me to survive while I was in theirs lives, I also feel as though it has made me a stronger person. I am more observant and very protective of my space and people that I allow into my life now. I do have trust issues because of the relationships I allowed myself to be abused in, but now I teach my girls what to look for and to respect themselves enough to know the difference between love and abuse. I don’t know if I will ever be ready to be in a relationship ever again because of the experience I’ve had. I have a wall up and I’m very scared to let someone close to me.
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I’m not like them
People have all the audacity in social media these days. I honestly think about deleting everything once in a while. I have deleted my Facebook because I really find no reason to have it anymore. When I was using it everyday, it was because I was trying to make the MLM thing work and I had to “socialize” and basically be someone that I really wasn’t. I noticed that people who join these MLM companies become clones who the people they are working under. They want you to stager coat things, lie to people and mask the true person that you really are. It bullshit if you ask me. I needed up having over 2,000 “friends” but most of the people that were on my list were basically trying to do the same thing that I was, trying to get someone to buy their products. Of course there were companies that were competing against either other and nobody wanted to buy anything because all they wanted to do was recruit more people who didn’t have a backbone. I joined a lot of different companies and always realized that once you were in the inside, it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. I ended up putting thousands of dollars into it and not breaking even. I believe that the people that claim they make money from it are just people who are good at lying to people and good at making another clone basically. Most of the products that I bought never worked. Then there are the people on TikTok that feel the need to hide behind their screen and type a bunch of craziness. Every time I scroll on that app, there is someone degrading and disrespecting someone that they don’t even know. There is so much hate on the internet and I believe that if the person we’re face to face, they wouldn’t say have the things that they do on the internet. A lot of the time the person isn’t usin their real name and they don’t have a picture of themselves and they don’t have any videos. It’s just a bunch of people feeling miserable in their own existence so they go out of their way to make someone else feel bad. This is why I have my comments turned off, nobody can duet me and most of the time I don’t use hashtags. Either you like my video or you don’t and I really don’t care what you have to say about it. It’s another thing when people go out of their way to screen record someone’s video just to make fun of them or talk crap about them. What is this world coming to??? Why are people so fixated on what other people are doing and, how they live their life, what they eat or don’t eat, how fat or skinny someone is, who they are dating and so many other things that is none of their business. I understand that people sharing their life in the internet is grounds for people see a little bit into their life but that doesn’t give them the right to be disgusting. What is so hard about scrolling past something that you don’t like? I do it all the time. I even block people if their stupidity keeps popping up in my feed. I like some of the content on tiktok because it’s entertaining. The cooking videos, the comedy skits, the dancing and the videos teaching people how to do things. Sometimes even the people portraying themselves as good irritate me because I can always see through the crap they are speaking…but I keep my thoughts to myself. I can tell people are on there to become famous or just want some attention. That’s not me though. I’m just there to release some stress and laugh as much as I can. I don’t have friends and I hang out with my children. My neighbors are all older than me with the exception of the house closest to me. I have NOTHING in common with them. They are disrespectful and super ghetto with the loud music, dirty yard and dogs tied up in their front and back yard which they never feed, When the wind blows it smells like a kennel that has never been cleaned. Not to mention they have parties in their yard and drop their beer bottles and trash in my yard. I can’t stand having neighbors that are very inconsiderate to the fact I work from home and they are always blasting their music. They have constant traffic to and from their home and it makes me so uncomfortable. I’m just going to continue to stay to myself because the energy of the majority of people today is not for me.
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