Sweet love story :>

"Today, I saw this flower blossom, just like the scent of your hair back then."

1. First love.

I've had crushes on different people, some fleeting and some unrequited for years. There were also those I tried to get to know but it didn't work out, so I let go. And then, when I entered a serious relationship in my freshman year, it was with a guy whose name was similar to my previous crush. It may sound a bit funny, but the only thing that struck me when we first met was the resemblance of his name to my recent uncrushed crush. We ended up studying English together for months, and only after about 3 or 4 months, we became friends on Facebook and started talking more. I could tell that you liked me, but you always glanced secretly, brought me food, studied together, or sent caring messages. Then one day, I told you, 'If you like me, just say it. Otherwise, I'll move on and love someone else, and you'll end up crying.' And then, you said, and we fell in love.

First love, it's confusing, it comes with difficulties, but above all, it's sweeter than anything else. There's someone by your side when you're far away from home, in a city over 1000km away, studying. There's someone who buys you food when you're rushing to a class without having eaten, someone who loves and cherishes you, someone who carefully keeps the note you casually wrote and gives it the same care as a child receiving a gift.

Beyond the sweetness, there's also companionship and understanding, like when I coincidentally saw a photo you took of a meal with three bowls of rice and curiously asked why, as your family usually only has two or three people. You said that rice is for your mother, you always set aside a bowl of rice for her, even though she has passed away over a decade ago. At that moment, I was touched, but I believed that a father who loves his wife like you would certainly raise his son remarkably well, and it was also a moment of surprise. This world still holds an abundance of beauty.

2. Misunderstandings and difficulties.

But at that time, I thought you didn't love me too much either. In the male-dominated environment of the university, where there were fewer females, maybe you saw a girl giving you a green light, so you moved forward. If not me, it would have been someone else. Negative thoughts crept into the sweetness. Then there was a mutual friend who always asked you for help with assignments, sometimes studying together on Google Meet until late at night. You did let me know beforehand and asked for my opinion, and I agreed, but I still felt uncomfortable. Honestly, is there any girl who would be happy when her partner is studying with another girl until late at night? But at that time, I didn't know how to express my thoughts, and the discomfort silently accumulated, waiting for a day to explode.

And then we grew apart. You were busy with your student union work, and I was occupied with my own club. Often, I had many thoughts but didn't speak up. You saw me being silent and assumed I was easy-going and understanding. Then your past crush asked you to buy a SIM card for them, and you bought it and brought it to school. Later, you went back to your hometown, and we were in a long-distance relationship. I had a habit of overthinking and doing everything on my own, without opening up to you or sharing my difficulties. I just assumed that you would know and understand. The truth is, even parents and children sometimes don't understand each other, let alone lovers. It's unreasonable to expect others to understand us without expressing ourselves.

All those little things accumulated day by day, month by month. We broke up after our relationship reached four months, on a rainy day. These are a few lines I wrote for you on that day but never sent. They lay silent on my Instagram, without anyone as my audience. I wrote them to ease my heart, that's all.

"On the day we said goodbye, the sky was gloomy and it was pouring rain. I felt fortunate because if it had been a beautiful sunny day, I wouldn't have been able to hold back my tears. I don't know what happened to myself, feeling disillusioned and walking away. There are many reasons, yet not necessarily a single reason. Stopping is just stopping, and I can't clearly explain why. I won't say anything to you anymore, won't share these stories or remind you to sleep early because I myself have been staying up late. And, because we have already broken up, my dear. Rarely do I feel sad or anything like that, as I think I have met such wonderful people, so there's nothing to regret anymore..."

3. The days of being apart

After the breakup, I was in a state of isolation. Every 15 minutes, there would be the sound of an ambulance passing by. It haunted me. At that time, my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer that had metastasized. My parents were worried sick about him, and I didn't want them to have any additional concerns about me, so I tried to take good care of myself. During that period, there was a very difficult subject in the semester that I couldn't understand at all. My grandfather was critically ill, and I didn't know if I would be able to see him one last time before he passed away. I was heartbroken and living amidst the pandemic, feeling exhausted and drained.

Then luck was on my side. I was able to be with my grandfather during his final days, and afterwards, I managed to pass the final exam for that difficult subject. Later on, I met new people, and so did they. Both of us moved on and continued on our own paths, just not together anymore. And those paths never crossed even once. You see, I am a stubborn person who has always believed that I wouldn't be friends with an ex-lover. For me, breaking up meant ending everything. However, before we parted ways, you mentioned that we wouldn't unfriend each other, and I agreed. I didn't unfriend you, but I created a new account. Actually, it was because I suddenly changed the password for my old account and couldn't log back in. I saw it as an opportunity to start fresh with a new account, and of course, the new account didn't friend you, for several years at least.

I was by the side of another guy, someone who set limits for all the relationships around him because of me. He would pick me up and drop me off everywhere, meticulously preparing everything in his backpack from hair ties to hand sanitizers, attentive and considerate. I had truly joyful months, but I felt suffocated. I mentioned several times that I needed some personal space, that I wanted to go to certain places by myself and do certain things on my own. But all negotiations hit a dead end. Why was it that when I had learned how to speak up, it was still disregarded like that? Then one day, I developed feelings for someone else. I realized it when my gaze lingered longer on that person, feeling restless and offbeat. I knew it was just a fleeting infatuation, but I admitted everything to that guy and chose to stop. Accepting the shattered look in his eyes and the tears of a boy was not easy, but staying true and faithful to my own heart was worth it. Because whether it's good or bad, I had said that I would always be honest with anyone I met, even if it meant admitting that my heart had changed.

4. Meeting with the first love again.

After breaking up a week ago, I still hadn't overcome the aftermath of the heartbreak. One afternoon, I was sitting at school waiting for the next class, which was two hours away, and I ran into you there. You greeted me and smiled. I was incredibly surprised because I thought I would never see you again in my lifetime. You asked me about the reason for our breakup over two years ago, thinking that I still owed you an explanation. That day, I explained everything and poured out my heart. I thought that after understanding everything, you could find peace and continue on your own path, leaving me behind.

In the months that followed, I was alone, experiencing a sense of lightness and self-reflection. I went out to eat alone, went to cafes by myself, and went on self-dates. I reflected on everything that had happened, from going back to my hometown for the Lunar New Year to studying and taking exams. However, amidst that period, you sent friend requests and occasionally messaged to check on me. At that time, my heart was tired, so I didn't pay much attention. When you came to my house and I didn't come down to meet you, you later told me it was the most desperate time for you. You knew there would be no outcome, yet you couldn't control your heart. I remember there was a time when you kept messaging and asking about me, and I got annoyed and decided to block you for a day. The next day, you sent me a cute unblock request, and I couldn't help but laugh. I felt more at ease with our relationship.

Five months later, I accepted your love once again, after going through one surprise after another. Like when you sent me a flower and said it smelled like my hair back then, or when you saw me wearing a dress and mentioned that I wore that same dress more than two years ago when I walked from H2 to H6. Or when you passed by and left a yogurt cup on the day I fell asleep while self-studying, absorbed in exam preparation, and you said I looked like a princess who had been overlooked by time. These little details, I believe, would go unnoticed if one didn't truly care. But they moved me, unlike the innocent love that I thought had faded in my freshman year. Now, I believe that you love me, deeply. It's enough for those small things about me to remain vivid, even after several years have passed.

I don't know how long we've been in love, but I think finding someone who loves me like this in life is not easy. Someone who remembers everything I say and do is even harder to find. I realize that in past relationships, it was me who was careless and indifferent, not you or anyone else. I'm just fortunate to still have you in my life, and I'm grateful to you for patiently waiting for a girl to grow up...

#Javis98