Letter to an ex-abuser

Lost the count to the number of times I screamed at Jesus, asking him what did I do to deserve this. Lost my sanity too along the process.

Each night was a well curated horrible recipe with steps and layers. It starts with a dream, like all senseless things do. Sometimes you’re just sad, depressed even, and I act like your anchor or support like my dream was telling me to stay while all the other real signs screamed RUN. Then, it’s followed with a text about my marvelous dream and an apology that I dreamt of that. How human of me. Knowing that you wouldn’t text me back, it started turning into a dream apology diary where the other side considers me a sick obsessed psycho and tells their friends to ask me to get myself together because they are too done with me asking for a decent conversation. But how can I blame myself for that?

I killed my pride everyday thinking that one day my conviction will reach out to you. I went to a church without any intentions of changing religions ever to ‘will it bring him back if I convert’. I was clueless, lost ,and lonely and it would have been appreciated if you had treated me like a human instead of the rag doll that you tried to fuck. Wait, couldn’t because of your beliefs. I’m so sorry about that, you must have felt miserable. Ever tried asking me how I felt. I thought so.

But how come you’re allowed to go away and live a better life. How come you’re allowed to be liked after my abuse. Well, I never got the chance to expose you I guess. Didn’t get the chance to joke about your small dick which I got to engage in an non-consensual setting because in America, people have sex on the second date and I should change my beliefs because being insecure about one’s body isn’t a legitimate reason to not be naked in a stranger’s bed. And it’s on me as well, for I had mistaken it as a night of love because I was scared to leave the only person I knew on campus. If you’re happy, you’d stay and if you’d stay, I’ll still have a friend. Super sorry that I made you sin. Must have been a horrible experience. What would I know what horrible feels like?

It’ll all happen in two weeks. Before I could fully grasp reality, I had already said some horrible stuff. And before that happened, I got accused of something I didn’t even do. Read your texts like a fucking loser when you spent the entire day looking at your phone when you promised that you’ll show me around DC. What a friend? You could have told me about it, and me at the time, would have done anything to be on your good side. I would have appreciated the honesty more than you constantly ignoring me.

It’s on me for the constant Instagram reminders that I hadn’t received an answer, etc, because I’m impatient and was so used to you giving me a fast response that I came off as super obsessive. I’m still really sorry about that, but you were still a much more horrible person. I tried doing something nice, without expecting any kind of response as that was the usual scenario, and you said that you accepted the request because you believed that I was somebody else and then you ignored me. How kind? That really scattered me.

Congrats on graduating and for starting Law School. You literally never have to see me again. For someone wanting to do immigration law, you really traumatized this immigrant. And FYI, I did go to therapy for the shit I went through.