Latest Stories
Most recently published stories in Confessions.
Cold World
That feeling. The one you get. The one that burns your eyes, fogs up your mind. It drains your soul, the energy of your existence, yet the bain of the everything in your sights. The feeling of being alone in every angle of your life; like no one feels what you feel. Alone physically, mentally and emotional- everything means nothing. Having No one that comforts you, makes you better and has that special gem about them that assures you everything will be okay. Tired of everything, including life its self. Wanting to sleep, without sleeping. Staring into the mirror for hours at a time, wishing you recognized the person staring back at you. Yes, she has the shape of my nose, the same build, skin complexion, everything like me- but who is she? Unlike the iPhone, facial recognition is void and I’m shut out for more than 24 hours. Tired of speaking when it seems as if no one hears you. Tired of talking about the same shit that helps you less than a negative to move in and be ok. Tired of feeling like i will never be good enough no matter how much i achieve. Tired of being tired. Tired of fucking writing and having to deal with pain i was not ready for or deserved. Tired of breaking my back to achieve something i dont think I even want anymore!! Tired of wanting to get up and do what i thought i wanted to do. Tired of everything and everyone. My problem, oh yeah, my problem. Boy dont i have a lot of them; some of which i did not cause but i have to deal with. Im Struggling and saying im okay even when im not. Hoping to one day feel the care, understanding and amount of love i once had and thought i had for others in return. Instead of letting go, its hard for me. Reaching out to my family and friends, spilling my heart out over and over in hopes of releasing the demons that have painted my world with gloomy skies and clocks with no hands. Seeking for an understanding from loved ones to hear the cliches I know all too well. “It takes time” “it’ll be okay, just be patient” “pray” “I’m here if/ when you need me” “I understand”; but do you really? Everyone understands but no one gets it. Snap out of it they say, another way of downplaying what I’m going through. Many don’t see depression as a real thing, yet we’ve all experienced it. Don’t tell me how and when to hurt, nor should you give me a time frame. This state brings out the worst in you, while others blossom into a phoenix, using their tragic times as a way of life. Crying out loud and reaching for grabbing hands to heal my weary soul, seeing no one person to help. Having little to no energy of completing my daily routine and interests because I feel worthless. Wondering when I will come out of this hole that seems to get deeper. Wanting to give up everything I’ve worked for to sit in a room, in the dark, and waste away. Ignoring all calls and communication from the outside world because I have no energy to expel. Lying awake day and night, wishing to escape myself in hopes of finding a better me. Instead, I wake up multiple times in a dark room- mind racing about the past, a scripted scene of life I created and, more pain of what I have failed at overcoming. Wanting to cry even more than the last few seconds; breaking down in public, becoming flustered at the things that once came so easy, now mind boggling. Everyday, waking up seems like a curse and the will to be happy and better is there, but overshadowed by what isn’t. Who am I and when will the pain. Talk to a professional, they say, or suffer in silence. Either way, I just want to breathe. Breathe in air leas thick, hoping my sanity is restored with each intake of oxygen, resuscitating my bear lifeless soul. Medication is preached as if it’s the key to life; it helps nothing but the business industry. talking doesn’t help, and life itself pauses for no man. Running a marathon won’t help since I can’t outrun my problems. But what will help. Seems like nothing. My head hurts all the time and college has taught me large amounts of stress damages the brain- I see why I have memory issues: ISSUES IN GENERAL!! HELP!! Something I need so desperately yet seldom. I try to find and see the good in people even when they show me time and time again that they just arent, wont, cant and will not be the person i pictured them to be. Always the bigger person, caring for others even if they’ve done me wrong in some way. Wanting others to be happy, expressing some of my feelings and trying to let go of the fucked up things we have done and said because... in my head it could work out. Clearly not. I have so much faith in muhfuckers who probably give less than one fuck about me and how i feel and how they made me feel. Wanting to hate a couple muhfuckers so bad and i probably do, even when i tell them i cant. The amount of terror i want to bestow upon them with words that I actually mean is horrid. Sadly, as much as i want them to understand how they made me feel and why i havent let go wont happen. I care too fuckin much and i hate myself for it. Fuck people and what they stand for l want to hate people, hell, i even want to inflict pain on some of them but it wont change what has been and it wont help me. As much as i want to hurt them, if they needed me, theres a slim chance(depending on the person) that i would be stuck. One i want to crush their world and being because of the things we went through, promises we made and how they basically used me to get back to their norm, toying with my head and heart. Trying new things, letting them know me, even when i knew it was a bad idea. For us, hurting each other and most importantly, them leaving me at the saddest point of my life- hurting me more than possibly anyone. I want to hug them so tight and just feel like im not alone for just a few seconds. But i also want to beat their face in and tell them how fucked up they are and how they arent shit and fuck everything they stand for and how i wouldnt have left them if something like this happened to them. I cant put my qualities on anyone else. I honestly can say i think i hate her. She asked before if i hater her and i said no because i know i wasnt the greatest person and it could have been better or worse. Besides her moving on, what really broke my heart was her knowing how hurt i was and she still gave up and left me at my saddest hour. She broke my heart even worse than my daddy did and her letting go at such a bad time cut me almost as deep as losing my granny. I honestly think i hate her. I know im not supposed to hate but i think i do whole-heartedly. Its not right to talk about the things you’ve done for people especially if you’ve done it out of love and care. If i would have not communicated with her during her trying times, she probably would have hurt herself or ended her life. I cant bare thoughts of that, i wouldnt want that for anyone. Assuming that i wouldnt have responded or said goodbye, i would have to live with the pain of knowing i could have said something to keep her from harming herself-AND I DID.. even though we werent on good terms. Fucking amazing. Fucking amazing to know that im so fucking caring and weak-minded i let someone mind fuck me to believe that i could be with them and like them- especially someone of the same sex. Someone who was hurt and told me some things supposedly no one knew about her and some fucked up shit not even my mama has ever said to me. Someone who i had no interest in knowing or being close to, that knew my whole life, got me out of my comfort zones and somehow made me feel a little happy, made me feel so fucking dumb, stupid, worthless, and not good enough after i did everything in my power to make her happy with me and without me. And when i wanted to support her happiness away from me, the fact that i was distant bothered her- you cant want and need other people who you claim you’re in love with and keep the same relationship with me. Thats selfish asf and I refuse to play with someones heart and mind, and waste their time if i know i dont want to be with them. Why even try to build and keep them around? Once again, i cant put my qualities on other people, only perfect the ones I possess myself.
By Curteeona Brelove5 years ago in Confessions
Hope
AS I, was born on April Fool’s in 1965 when things were peaceful, sort of cool, and not talked about. I came into this world being molested and I thought it was oh ok it did not matter anyway, even incest too, because I was too young to know what to do. My mother is a foreigner, why what else could she do. So, in my life, I stood out too. Besides being molested, raped, and doing all you can imagine as I hit puberty in which I was not told, not to miss behave and had my first child indeed, now I am grown all alone as my mom disowned me going thru her own battle for sure. She did not sleep, eat, or shower I honestly believe she was in her own tower in another world so I had to find out myself all about this place called home where all can Rome. In which I did and wish I never had, because I gave up, gave in, and lost myself in the wrong zone. I felt all alone used, abused all over again. You cannot see you become blind all the time and feel out of sort, do not know how to resort in or out as you begin a journey in learning something you thought you were yearning. As you do as you, please watch if you sneeze, sniff, and smoke now this drug world was no joke. I thought I was amongst some friends and now the truth began as they degrade you and sell you too to reach a high that they may even die. All looking for love no matter how that looks with you, him, and her all on this thing that makes you fly so high that at times you want to die. You lose it all even your kids, family, and self, in fact, you do not want anybody else, because all is gone your help, healing, and hope. You start to sing this sad song in which crying out loud for hope, hope, hope you start to think everything is a joke and you want to choke on all you see, do, and have done. Now you start to see something deep inside you and you grasp on it and come to realize, it is time to recognize, stop lying, hiding, and disguising your given voice and make a great choice to get some hope, healing, and help and that is why I with God Jehovah's help made my passion, purpose, and plan to stand up for every person in hope with Washington Hope. That is how I got me to where I reside, inside, getting to know me so I can be for you when you cannot, will not, and do not know how to come back, to somewhere that cares and even dare to stand with you all the way each day till you can stand, stomp, and star for yourself here we are, check us out, Washington Hope. Do not give up or give in because your being renewed, and the test will come because now you know all those things must go. For you to grow, in your new world don’t you know. It is time for change only if you rearrange your mindset to not regret but learn so you will not return to the old because you found HOPE, to make better choices while using your voices to say NO, I am going another way today. I have tried yours now I will try HIS. Thanks for giving me a new change now I can dance with new music that will not slow me down, nor clown, or having me looking all around. But giving me all that I need HOPE in me to see clear to get to healing so I will accept help. www.washingtonhope2020.org.
By Sharon McKellery5 years ago in Confessions
An Ode to the Fall.
Dear Maya, I often ponder in the night and wonder cluelessly about your fable presence, and you would slowly gaze at my heart under the light of an evanescent moon. Such poise and a belle seldom makes the heart of a grown man ache in delight and render the mouths speechless. Even the quotes of ancient poets and philosophers fall short in words when they try to ink down what is merely an illusional boulevard. I wish I could color your Februaris with the petals of sunflower and soothe you with the trickles of a brook babbling away from the colds of December. You are an idea of a romance that every day my heart begets and with you, in my mind, I feel no animosity towards the time. The days will pass and the ink of this letter will fade but my heart will beat and the luster shall con all the glitters of the universe and the time thereon. Alas, the time of a romantic fool does sway, and all I want to ask if there is a meaning to our endless exuberant grey.
By Alongbar Narzary5 years ago in Confessions
"But I thought"
It has been a crazy, wild ride for me since June of 2019. I started school again, while working residential full time, being there for my family when need be, and still trying to balance out some sort of a life. But then we all got hit with this pandemic in 2020 and it was double the crazy and double to the wild, to say the least; and to be honest I thought I had it all in 2020.
By BuBz5 years ago in Confessions
The Eggplant Picture
If you send a picture of your Johnson to someone without them asking for it, your a visual terrorist. Period. I've been online dating for a couple months now, and I must say that the amount of men willing to send a picture of their tallywhacker without consent is absolutely abominable.
By Mae McCreery5 years ago in Confessions
Promethean Star by Power Flower
I am not sure I actually believe him. He told me he was born millions of years ago on a planet on the opposite side of the Universe. He claims to have lived thousands of lives on the Earth over the past million years or so. As I said earlier his claims are really rather fantastical and mystical.
By David Olson5 years ago in Confessions
Wing Woman
“Tash, how long does it take you to get dressed in there?” Chloe’s fist hammered on the door. “One second!” I yelled back. I quickly turned around and checked myself out in the mirror. *Gulp*, I hoped this one would pass Chloe’s eagle eye test…. Or else I was gonna be in hot water! Taking a deep breath, I opened the door.
By Rob St. Jacques5 years ago in Confessions
Cutting through traffic
As a child, about nine or ten years old, I was with my brother (who in his teens... came across more than a few beautiful little cars, like minis, and metros... all twin cams and turbos. His good friend Augustine.. oh boy! could he swap engines, and seats, and wheels, and things. One day I was with a friend, his name was victor. we were together in my brother's latest boys toy. I can't remember if he just offered or if I asked, to learn, but all I can remember is it being my turn. I'm in the drivers seat, facing the steering wheel, rev counter and speedometer, barely was able to see over the dash. nevertheless I did nothing rash as I listened keenly to my big bro who stressed clutch control over and over again. Before I knew.. I was on a roll, start stop, start stop, start stop.. each time adding a strand of nerve, between my brain, and my left foot.. now clutch down put it in second and ease it up... then third... I was driving. Changing gears was something my brother or father would allow me to do as a nipper in the eighties, as was steering. many times I had helped my mum into, or out of, a tight parking space with my natural spacial awareness. I even graduated to fully contracting of the job of parking for her sometimes. Then came the naughty years. I'd steal my mother's keys and go driving to see my friends, or just for the pure pleasure ... (a sort of benign joy ride), even tried to give it the big shot a get a date lol. I had and engine problem once as a sign I was on the wrong path however I was under the thinking that so long as I return the car in one piece, spent fuel replenished (about a fivers worth or so), preferably parked back in the same spot... then no harm was done. Needless to say I grew out of that attitude with maturity and responsibility. Came a time I was seeking a profession of some sort or just something to do, and so i trained as a courier, got an NVQ level 2 "delivering goods by road", and got myself a job as a motorcycle courier. this is when I learned the humble "Lifesaver" (a simple look over your shoulder to see what is happening around you), and well... I still got knocked over many times. Mostly by cab drivers. however those experiences came with the proverbial silver lining as firstly.. I learned. I learned all sorts of stuntman type breakfalls. I learned how to eject myself from my bike or bycicle in the split seconds before a collision. rather like a struck fighter pilot. I learned how to roll along the floor (like Arnie in T2... the liquid nitrogen scene) and get up and get myself off of the road before being struck again because the moving traffic isn't stopping soon enough ..like an action man. I learned to read and interpret the roads from a much more vulnerable and defensive standpoint! I learned to take care of myself! and that my safety, was in my hands! and more specifically, in my brain! all of which had the side effect of me scoffing at helmets for a while. Those and bike lanes. For the reduced agency and self responsibility and (one of my favourite all time road safety related words)... Anticipation. with maturity I now see clear cut bike lanes, well planned, and safely designed, with zero confusion or ambiguity, and well fitting, properly fastened, helmets as essential components of health and safety. Naturaly I moved on eventually becoming a driver's mate after joing an employment agency. In actual fact, I was a mate for many years. Having my first taste of being a white van man whilst out with my dad, helping him with his work for some pocket money. He delivered parcels, and I'd go out with him, to a lovely rural area called Buckinghamshire, which was his patch. I'd see how the other half and was always impressed to see all the lovely greenery, leafy villages and beautiful house with names and not numbers. finding them was easy, as it was so exciting to do so. my eyes eyes were naturaly peeled. I had a great experience and it was also a time of good man to young man bonding with my father. I got good excercise, running catalogues and boxes from the van to the doors. many a time was a moment of connection when we be offered a drink or a tip or a look around at some beautiful home or garden (the type with a lake and acres of Greenery.. maybe a horse etc) it was a far cry from hackney Islington or Camden etc. Courtesy, and invitation, a drink and relaxation, it was nice, and also a lesson in life.
By POETSKY5 years ago in Confessions
Ready, Set.....
I was late to the party of self-confidence. You see, being bullied by my peers from primary school onwards, wore away at my ability to understand my worth. I was told I was talented; a very artistic person. Gregarious, verbose and gifted at many things. This was all fine and good, but the blinds were down and dark clouds filled my brain. Negative self-talk consumed me.
By Kate Ashforth5 years ago in Confessions
Time and space
Halloween in America, it has certainly morphed over the centuries. What was, is no longer, at least for most. Houses decorated, haunted hayrides, carved pumpkins and then there’s the costumes. As a child my mother made all of our costumes, from Superman to the tin man. Burning old corks to black out our eyes for that Frankenstein costume.
By Katie 5 years ago in Confessions
