Curteeona Brelove
Bio
I’m a Southern girl from the Panhandle of Florida that loves writing and basketball. Writing, basketball, nature and love are what keep me going. Basketball has been my life, let’s see where my creativity, experience and passion gets me.
Stories (6)
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Cold World
That feeling. The one you get. The one that burns your eyes, fogs up your mind. It drains your soul, the energy of your existence, yet the bain of the everything in your sights. The feeling of being alone in every angle of your life; like no one feels what you feel. Alone physically, mentally and emotional- everything means nothing. Having No one that comforts you, makes you better and has that special gem about them that assures you everything will be okay. Tired of everything, including life its self. Wanting to sleep, without sleeping. Staring into the mirror for hours at a time, wishing you recognized the person staring back at you. Yes, she has the shape of my nose, the same build, skin complexion, everything like me- but who is she? Unlike the iPhone, facial recognition is void and I’m shut out for more than 24 hours. Tired of speaking when it seems as if no one hears you. Tired of talking about the same shit that helps you less than a negative to move in and be ok. Tired of feeling like i will never be good enough no matter how much i achieve. Tired of being tired. Tired of fucking writing and having to deal with pain i was not ready for or deserved. Tired of breaking my back to achieve something i dont think I even want anymore!! Tired of wanting to get up and do what i thought i wanted to do. Tired of everything and everyone. My problem, oh yeah, my problem. Boy dont i have a lot of them; some of which i did not cause but i have to deal with. Im Struggling and saying im okay even when im not. Hoping to one day feel the care, understanding and amount of love i once had and thought i had for others in return. Instead of letting go, its hard for me. Reaching out to my family and friends, spilling my heart out over and over in hopes of releasing the demons that have painted my world with gloomy skies and clocks with no hands. Seeking for an understanding from loved ones to hear the cliches I know all too well. “It takes time” “it’ll be okay, just be patient” “pray” “I’m here if/ when you need me” “I understand”; but do you really? Everyone understands but no one gets it. Snap out of it they say, another way of downplaying what I’m going through. Many don’t see depression as a real thing, yet we’ve all experienced it. Don’t tell me how and when to hurt, nor should you give me a time frame. This state brings out the worst in you, while others blossom into a phoenix, using their tragic times as a way of life. Crying out loud and reaching for grabbing hands to heal my weary soul, seeing no one person to help. Having little to no energy of completing my daily routine and interests because I feel worthless. Wondering when I will come out of this hole that seems to get deeper. Wanting to give up everything I’ve worked for to sit in a room, in the dark, and waste away. Ignoring all calls and communication from the outside world because I have no energy to expel. Lying awake day and night, wishing to escape myself in hopes of finding a better me. Instead, I wake up multiple times in a dark room- mind racing about the past, a scripted scene of life I created and, more pain of what I have failed at overcoming. Wanting to cry even more than the last few seconds; breaking down in public, becoming flustered at the things that once came so easy, now mind boggling. Everyday, waking up seems like a curse and the will to be happy and better is there, but overshadowed by what isn’t. Who am I and when will the pain. Talk to a professional, they say, or suffer in silence. Either way, I just want to breathe. Breathe in air leas thick, hoping my sanity is restored with each intake of oxygen, resuscitating my bear lifeless soul. Medication is preached as if it’s the key to life; it helps nothing but the business industry. talking doesn’t help, and life itself pauses for no man. Running a marathon won’t help since I can’t outrun my problems. But what will help. Seems like nothing. My head hurts all the time and college has taught me large amounts of stress damages the brain- I see why I have memory issues: ISSUES IN GENERAL!! HELP!! Something I need so desperately yet seldom. I try to find and see the good in people even when they show me time and time again that they just arent, wont, cant and will not be the person i pictured them to be. Always the bigger person, caring for others even if they’ve done me wrong in some way. Wanting others to be happy, expressing some of my feelings and trying to let go of the fucked up things we have done and said because... in my head it could work out. Clearly not. I have so much faith in muhfuckers who probably give less than one fuck about me and how i feel and how they made me feel. Wanting to hate a couple muhfuckers so bad and i probably do, even when i tell them i cant. The amount of terror i want to bestow upon them with words that I actually mean is horrid. Sadly, as much as i want them to understand how they made me feel and why i havent let go wont happen. I care too fuckin much and i hate myself for it. Fuck people and what they stand for l want to hate people, hell, i even want to inflict pain on some of them but it wont change what has been and it wont help me. As much as i want to hurt them, if they needed me, theres a slim chance(depending on the person) that i would be stuck. One i want to crush their world and being because of the things we went through, promises we made and how they basically used me to get back to their norm, toying with my head and heart. Trying new things, letting them know me, even when i knew it was a bad idea. For us, hurting each other and most importantly, them leaving me at the saddest point of my life- hurting me more than possibly anyone. I want to hug them so tight and just feel like im not alone for just a few seconds. But i also want to beat their face in and tell them how fucked up they are and how they arent shit and fuck everything they stand for and how i wouldnt have left them if something like this happened to them. I cant put my qualities on anyone else. I honestly can say i think i hate her. She asked before if i hater her and i said no because i know i wasnt the greatest person and it could have been better or worse. Besides her moving on, what really broke my heart was her knowing how hurt i was and she still gave up and left me at my saddest hour. She broke my heart even worse than my daddy did and her letting go at such a bad time cut me almost as deep as losing my granny. I honestly think i hate her. I know im not supposed to hate but i think i do whole-heartedly. Its not right to talk about the things you’ve done for people especially if you’ve done it out of love and care. If i would have not communicated with her during her trying times, she probably would have hurt herself or ended her life. I cant bare thoughts of that, i wouldnt want that for anyone. Assuming that i wouldnt have responded or said goodbye, i would have to live with the pain of knowing i could have said something to keep her from harming herself-AND I DID.. even though we werent on good terms. Fucking amazing. Fucking amazing to know that im so fucking caring and weak-minded i let someone mind fuck me to believe that i could be with them and like them- especially someone of the same sex. Someone who was hurt and told me some things supposedly no one knew about her and some fucked up shit not even my mama has ever said to me. Someone who i had no interest in knowing or being close to, that knew my whole life, got me out of my comfort zones and somehow made me feel a little happy, made me feel so fucking dumb, stupid, worthless, and not good enough after i did everything in my power to make her happy with me and without me. And when i wanted to support her happiness away from me, the fact that i was distant bothered her- you cant want and need other people who you claim you’re in love with and keep the same relationship with me. Thats selfish asf and I refuse to play with someones heart and mind, and waste their time if i know i dont want to be with them. Why even try to build and keep them around? Once again, i cant put my qualities on other people, only perfect the ones I possess myself.
By Curteeona Brelove5 years ago in Confessions
Used to
I used to think I needed you. I used to think I loved you- I used to. I used to cry alone, wondering what I did wrong; why you didn’t love me. Enough or at all, just why? I used to wonder what I could do to make you see the greatness I had inside. I used to feel like I wasn’t good enough. I used to feel like I was your biggest mistake; a regret. I used to think I wasn’t good enough; like I couldn’t measure up to those before me. I wanted to be different, I was, but I wasn’t. I wanted to make you laugh and smile like no other, again. I used to. I wanted to change your view about the world, through our eyes. I used to think it could be us against the world. I used to think the fairy tale in my head would one day come true before it was too late. I used to lie awake at night and cry myself to sleep (if I slept). I used to make my self sick from countless times of counting my mistakes. All the times I replayed the things we’ve said that hurt; I thought less of myself because of my mistakes. I used to want to look at you and feel proud for baring your mark on me. I used to try and convince myself I wasn’t tired of chasing something that probably wasn’t meant to be. I used to measure my worth by how much I resembled others who were highly regarded in your eyes. I used to shape my life around how you made me feel. I used to wait for signals to bring me closer to your heart. I used to hate myself because I felt like I wasn’t good enough- not to hurt you. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but some people were deemed as such, but they weren’t there anymore. I used to want to give you the world and be one of your favorite people. I used to want to know everything about you that makes you smile, cry, love harder, mad, and everything else. I used to want so much more than what I had been given. I used to want more than you were willing to give or needed to share. I used to want a lot. I thought I needed those things; I really did. Now I know that I’m used to being used to a thought. But now... I choose to find me. And that’s someone I have to restore from the ground up and get used to loving unconditionally. I used to want to hold your hand all day and night. I used to want to have you all to myself. I used to crave your body, mind and presence. I used to allow us to drain everything. I used to allow myself to drain and depend on you. I used to think I could make you happy- even though I wasn’t built for the task. I can’t make you happy and I did a pretty good job tearing you down because of it, destroying what i could not appreciate. A lack of understanding- I used to think it was just bad luck. I used to think of so much.. but still not enough. I used to regret knowing you regret knowing me, the hurt, the IDK. I know you need distance and I need mine too. I’m not used to it though.. so much to say and nothing really matters. I used to think it would somehow fall into place.........
By Curteeona Brelove5 years ago in Confessions
You
You taught me how to understand that some people just don’t know how to love and it’s a luxury so essential, remaining on the most expensive lists of all time. Some know how to show it, but don’t know how it really feels. How it really feels to take it in and love to be loved, as if it’s the softest blanket you’ve ever wrapped yourself into. Again I will mention, that chocolate Skin and all my god what a beautiful site it was. There will only be one you and right now, Im learning we have to let go of the things we love the most to grow. Two people emerging from growing pains, in a garden of hope, trimmed off many pieces of sheer, promising pieces of a tense wild flower. Petals falling to their death. oh my sugar, honey, I’m sorry; I’m here, pleading for acknowledgment of life around you, whilst the counterparts of dark brown callouses scratch your tender heart. as one would scorn in wonder, look on in admiration, the tenderness those fallen petals long for, establishes a bond two seamstresses couldn’t see into a matching seam. the care extended to those of lost hope to nurture us back to health is a beautiful sight when the shake back is inaccurate and praised. impeccably unrecognizable, you don’t say. The saddest of the hearts comes about as the spade forbids the diamond from sharing its heart with the joker; being the only ray of sunshine to free the joker of his mischievous dwellings. To ones owed the benefit of the doubt, come naturally to overlook their worthiness-bestowing complete happiness upon you. Your grace has been stolen you. From the very ones we put on the highest pedestals, they continue to take. Under-looked because of misfortune, led by a masquerade of the mind: giving more power to those who hurt you indefinitely, making no sense of the good given to you. Seeing it as your fault, claiming to have seen it all, when in fact, you’ve had it all- in one place. We become so dreaded with pain, we admire the false casting of acclaimed love to ponder our shortcomings into a forest of shadows. Those who care only about the pleasures of physical bonds, create the boundaries and bondage that forces the hand of the lonesome heart to digress from the love they deserve. The outside looking in; A change of heart, so timid to love as no real
By Curteeona Brelove5 years ago in Confessions
Speak
Speaking to you in tones of utter exhaustion and pain, you noticed I was broken and took the time to get to know my mangled mind’s fury. Administering a drug that overcompensates your kindness. In love with the girl with bright hair, thick puckering lips and a soul waiting to be caressed in a sea of pink and black sheets of fluffed silk and naughty secrets. Touched by the clouds and filled with nightmares; insinuating the tides of a masterpiece. Touching the body of poems written in the finest ink, with the most orgasmic slice of penmanship. Bolstering in the winds of grace, catching a moment of intimacy on your face, sending sprints and electricity to your fingertips and toes. Making them curl into patterns no one else could spring about; the whisper in your ear brings the rhythm of your night. A mistress in the stars above, awaiting for the perfectXXX time to release THOSE demons into me: take my spirits, fill my soul, and suck me sexually until each and every part of me has sunken to the foot of your heart. Bleeding for your eternity as I begin panting with the climax of sweet nectar we find in the highest peaks of heavens harps. I brought you here, and let you think I made it to the doorstep of freedom alone. Not true.
By Curteeona Brelove5 years ago in Poets
